The Cost of Delaying Marriage

Boundless Webzine ^ | 8/25/2005 | by Danielle Crittenden

[Theo]

Crittenden's position is pretty one-sided in this column, but she does make some valid and thought-provoking points.

FWIW, Boundless publishes three columns per week. I think the new ones will appear either late tonight or late tomorrow. If these are fairly well-received, I'll continue posting these columns on FR....

[justche]

ping for later

[TXBubba]

I'll admit I only made it through half the column due to it's length. I didn't marry until late 20s because that is when I found Mr. Bubba. It had nothing to do with losing my freedom. Had a co-worker who married younger yet didn't even take her hubby's last name...not even in hyphenated form. Now that is strange. (and, no, she didn't have a professional name to keep).

I also think grandmas married earlier due to a shorter life expectancy.

[Zack Nguyen]

If the articles are this thoughtful and this thought-provoking, continue to send them.

[SDGOP]

Long read but it was enjoyable

[Theo]

Thanks! Boundless is pretty choosy what they print, though some things have gotten through that aren't really worth reading. :-)

[Theo]

It really is long -- much longer than the typical Boundless column. I confess that I wasn't able to read it in its entirety either. :-)

There are many reasons some people don't marry in their early- to mid-20s. I married when I was 35, for example. This column only addresses one reason some women may not marry in their 20s....

[Señor Zorro]

Even religious conservatives, who disapprove of sex outside of marriage, accept the now- common wisdom that it is better to put off marriage than do it too early.

I like Marin Luther's view of the subject, some exerpts of which are here.

[ConservativeMind]

This was a really good post. Thanks!

[ventana]

Very good column. Please continue to post. As to the reception of it, well, today may not be the day which proves most responsive to this post as other more pressing issues capture Freepers attentions. V's wife.

[Texas_Conservative2]

It's a very good read, I think 25ish is the perfect age to get married.

Your out of college (hopefully) and have started your career, and have matured enough to know what qualities you really need in a spouse.

[jacquej]

Hmmm...

I married at 22, in the very early 60's. Never had a "career", unless you consider raising four children to adult status a "career", and I doubt that most do... but, while raising them, I learned how to run a computer to help my husband in his business, learned to weave on a 16 harness loom, learned to knit, and design my own patterns, learned how to sew my own clothes, how to grow my own food, then can, freeze, or dry it...

also served on my local School Board for 10 years, using all I had learned from reading up on education (including Diane Ravitch), and having my own children in public schools. I went on to serve on our County School Boards Association, and then to the State level as an elected lobbyist...

Also, taught myself 16th century counted thread embroidery, then decided to figure out how to make my own quilts. Now, I am a happy grandma. My children are all so busy with their own lives that we get a call only when they need advice, (thank goodness).

I am free and happy to make my dogs, Belgian Malinois, my new "babies", and believe you me, they know when to sit, when to stand, and when to lie down. I am the queen of my household. My husband is a happy man, for he is my king, and I am not longing for that silly "career" I never had...

Why do some women fall so easily into thinking that one needs a "paycheck" to determine one's worth as a human being? All I have to do is look at my grown children, responsible and busy adults, to know that the years of work and attention were worth the effort.

And, neither my husband, or I, were, or are, perfect specimins of beauty, perfection, or "most eligible" status. We just treated each other with respect, kindness, and love. We worked as a team in harness. We are happy.

I feel so sorry for those looking for that brass ring. It isn't there. You have to find your own path, and not follow that of the crowd.

Please know that I believe that not all are called to marriage and parenthood. There is no need to do what doesn't suit one's soul. But, there is no future in following the "mode" of the moment, if it doesn't suit your heart's desire.

[cyborg]

I've been around the sun thirty times and people were asking my mom when I'm going to give her grandchildren. My mom used to respond she'll get married when she wants to and I don't want her 'bringing home any big belly for me before time'. Before time, meaning before marriage of course *lol* This article is a little lame of course. A woman should not get married until she's ready. Kids can be adopted and many older couples do. She needs to get a grip.

[Archidamus]

"I remember having, in my early 20s, long and passionate conversations with my female friends about our need to be strong, to stand alone, to retain our independence and never compromise our souls by succumbing to domesticity. And yet at the same time, we constantly felt the need to shore each other up. We'd come across passages in books -- paeans to the autonomy of the individual, replete with metaphors of lighthouses, mountains, the sea, etc. -- copy them out carefully (in purple ink, on arty cards), and mail them to each other."

Women are weird.

[Clioman]

So what other delicious unanticipate discoveries await our dear Danielle? With love (and children) now permissable, how long can it be before she finds...:gasp: the comfort and assurance of religion?

[Theophilus]

My wife one held these foolish notions of "fun", but with little conviction - THANK GOD.

I turned her into a baby addict and now she is light years ahead of the 33 year old who is suddenly wondering when she is going to "settle down". The mother of a large family has never "settled down" and never will "settle down". She just rolls through life, a Familial Tycoon, making, nourishing and raising more precious little lives and the difference will never be forgotten. Now that's progress, that's prosperity, that's so much more than a deadend career!!! And on top of that, she still has the passion and looks that she did when she was 19! I've seen the envious looks of many other women, even ones that criticize, that would give anything to have what my wife cradles in her arms. I feel sorry for them. But I feel great, and I thank God that even though I can't give my wife Brad Pitt looks or Bill Gates money, we can give each other what we really want.

[Chickensoup]

I love Boundless...post away.

Dear Mrs Web is an advice columnist who recommends early marriage.

[Diana in Wisconsin]

Good read. This lept out at me:

"Once a husband and children were thought to be essential to a woman's identity, the source of purpose in her life; today, they are seen as peripherals, accessories that we attach only after our full identities are up and running."

Nope. I totally disagree. And really, do people spend this much time THINKING about this stuff? I highly doubt it. I'm 45, and I can assure anyone reading this that our "identities" change by the decade. Well, at least they're supposed to! One would HOPE to outgrow the music and stupidity of their youth, don't you think?

I had my "starter marriage," which ended when I was tired of raising my husband, versus him being a full partner in our joint venture...

Then, I had my "Whirlwind Romance" which was SO sweet I was clinically in a Diabetic Coma for a number of years and couldn't clearly see the absolute JERK I was committed to...

Fast forward to when I gave myself permission to "Just Be Me" and didn't marry until I was 35 and then adopted my husband's son. This marriage is stickin' for a lifetime. :)

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure." Someone knew what they were talking about. ;)

[Dr. Scarpetta]

The sensible, decent, not-bad-looking men a woman rejected at twenty-four because she wasn't ready to settle down all seem to have gotten off at other stations.

I got married at 21 but had a friend who rejected a nice guy who wanted to get engaged because she wasn't ready to settle down. She traveled a lot, etc. It's now many years later, and she never married. I'm sure she has regrets.