Future perfect: how to be a 'real' man

Women rule says Michael Buerk, and feminism is triumphant at home, at work, even in TV ads. The woman who coined the word 'metrosexual' explains how men can reclaim their masculinity, and we publish an extract from her new book

WHO’D be one of you, eh chaps? Let’s be honest, your CV these days is hardly enviable. Outperformed by girls at school, emasculated by women at home and at work, shockingly dislocated from your emotions and the hapless joke figure in endless TV commercials and sitcoms whose message is that females rule and men are fools.

Well wise up, because apparently it’s time to say enough is enough; the ridicule of men must stop. The pendulum of power has swung too far into the female corner and you must stand up and assert your right to masculinity. Stop apologising for it, be comfortable with it, but while you’re at it try to embrace a few female traits such as compromise, communication and learning to multitask.

It is called M-ness and it is The Future of Men — at least according to one particular woman who has written a book with just this title. Marian Salzman, with her co- authors Ira Matathia and Ann O’Reilly, is the American trendspotter who coined the term “meterosexual” to describe a certain breed of straight, sensitive, modern men who see nothing wrong with exfoliating and going to see a weepy film. Now she has come up with another concept to which all males must apparently subscribe if they wish to reclaim “their space, their sense of worth and even themselves”.

Indeed, she believes the revolution is already under way and that this is the “dawning of the Age of M-ness”.

What’s that being shouted from the bar of the Ferret and Firkin? “What a load of bollocks”? Undeniably there will be plenty of men who will laugh into their pints at the very idea. But Salzman, an executive vice-president at the advertising agency J. Walter Thompson, has serious points to make about where men go from here. Society has changed for ever, she says, so males must adapt if they are to reassert themselves in a world increasingly defined and dominated by femininity.

It is not just men who are fed up with male-bashing. Research shows that women, too, want men to assert themselves as confident, vital, masculine partners. They want “real” men back. But because we will never return to 1950s patriarchy — the genie cannot be put back in the bottle, thank God — men must redefine masculinity to accommodate who they are today. They must find, says Salzman, their own personal version of manliness.

“What has happened to men over the past 30 or so years is that they have moved from defining the world . . . to having their world defined by women,” says Salzman, 45. “Men have been the butt of the joke for too long. TV is the snapshot of our everyday lives . . . there are men making jokes about men, women making jokes about men but not men making jokes about women because that would be politically incorrect.

“We used to worry about teenage girls losing their voice . . . but now I’m feeling very worried for 15-year-old boys. Where do they feel they fit in any more?” She believes the young working-class male is most demoralised in the new, female-orientated society, having, outside sport, few strong role models to admire.

Michael Buerk, the veteran BBC newsreader, echoes these sentiments in the current issue of the Radio Times. He asserts that life is now lived according to women’s rules, that traditional male traits of “reticence, stoicism and single-mindedness” have been marginalised, that men have been reduced to little more than “sperm donors”.

“It is basically saying that no straight man knows how to dress himself,” says Salzman. “So at the top you have women and the next most refined individual after that is a gay man — and at the bottom of the pecking order you have a straight man.

“What needs to happen is that the genders need to move closer together, not necessarily to be like each other but to respect each other . . . not be threatened by each other and achieve proper mutuality.”

M-ness (also known as my-ness) is defined thus: a masculinity that defines the best of traditional manliness (strength, honour, character) with positive traits traditionally associated with females (nurturance, communicativeness, co-operation). A lifestyle that emphasises higher-quality emotional and physical pleasures, male pleasures, that come from knowing oneself and one’s potential.

Confused? Well, according to Salzman, a classic example of M-ness man is Guy Ritchie. He is the alpha male tough guy who married an even tougher woman. But have his masculinity and identity been diminished by Madonna, arguably one of the biggest female icons in the world? No, says Salzman.

If anything they have been enhanced because Ritchie is so comfortable in his own skin. Here lies the essence of M-ness.

Ditto Bill Clinton, believe it or not, who scored M-ness points for apologising publicy for his infidelity (admitting you were wrong is a very feminine trait) and has not been threatened by taking a back seat to Hillary. See also the Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger, who, in marrying Maria Shriver, a famous Democrat, showed simultaneous respect for her beliefs and absolute confidence in his own. You could argue that Sir Paul McCartney demonstrates M-ness in his support for the career of his wife, Heather Mills. And might there not have been a touch of M-ness at the heart of Sir Denis Thatcher, whose sense of self was never compromised despite being married to the most macho female in living memory?

Salzman’s point is that you can have M-ness whether you are a happily married house-husband or a 45-year-old serial dater, a physician or a soccer coach. You must do whatever makes you happy, gives you self-respect and makes you feel whole while respecting the other gender’s right to the same. But you must be multidimensional. You must love your family, have male friends to whom you are not afraid to show affection, have one or two hobbies.

“We need to move to a place where each gender can co-exist mutually and happily,” says Salzman. “There is no society that we can learn from on this — we have never had that kind of equality.”

Ultimately men will learn that their future is not about control as it has been in the past, it is about co- operation.

We’ll see more focused and more organised efforts by men to regain the societal and intrafamily respect they used to take for granted.

Husband-bashing, believe it or not, is on its way out — not completely (never completely) and not quickly — but we’ve finally reached a point at which men are truly fed up with being the butt of every joke, and even women are beginning to see that it’s gone overboard. We’ve seen this trend in spurts and fads such as Promise Keepers and the “surrendered wife” phenomenon. Now we’re going to see it move beyond the Religious Right and other conservative groups, and make it into the average household. And that, in turn, will put television executives and advertising creatives on notice that using men, fathers in particular, for cheap laughs has run its course.

M-ness, or My-ness, signals a shift in society’s definition of what can and should be considered masculine, loosening the reins on male behaviour and providing greater choices to those men who refuse to be denied entrance into what has long been considered the “women’s world”.

We’re not talking men in dresses and false eyelashes. We’re talking about men being able to have open and loving platonic friendships with their male buddies. We’re talking about men not being ashamed to admit that they like the feel of cashmere or spending an hour getting a facial. We’re talking about more men being who they are and doing what they want without fear that they’ll be “outed” as unmanly.

As men are asked to take on new responsibilities at home and cope with increased competition from the female of the species everywhere else, they will need to develop the skills that have allowed women to succeed in these areas — multitasking and collaboration, for instance. Julius van Heek, 40, a gay designer living in Chicago, summed it up nicely: in his view, men have been propped up by women throughout history. Now that women are putting themselves forward, it ’s up to men to pick up the slack and do for themselves those things that used to be taken care of by the women who supported them. “As I have matured I have come to my personal conclusion that men have not ruled the world in modern times,” he said.

“They may think they have, but it is either the support of women or the prompting of women that has allowed these men to give the perception that men rule the world.

“Generally, I believe the veil is being lifted as women’s roles have become more visible and/or more accepted as well as respected. I believe that women’s power position(s) and how important they are have become more clearly understood by the mass public . . . (Going forward), men will continue to learn how to become more well rounded, more like women, particularly those who balance work, home, and life goals. Men will have to become better ‘project managers’.”

The latter half of the last century saw the strengthening of the civil rights movement in the United States, followed by the women’s movement, followed by the gay rights movement.

The cumulative effect has been that straight white men, while still dominant, have had no choice but to play nice (or at least more nicely) with new entrants to the game.

There’s no stuffing the genie back in the bottle, certainly not in the Western world. And that means even more changes to come as the composition of the classroom, the applicant pool and (eventually) the executive suite changes. Jimmy Szczepanek, 34, who works in PR in New York, anticipates that day: “Physical strength is no longer a defining factor in success,” he says. “Therefore I think that women will continue to play a more important role in business and politics.

“In addition, as generations of people grow up with different sets of ideals, there will be more opportunities for others . . . Adolescents are accepting their homosexuality at earlier ages, which signifies a degree of acceptance. There is an increasing number of African-American executives. Therefore, I anticipate a more level playing field and (hopefully) the end of white male rule.”

As the rules in one area change, the pressure is on to be more flexible in other areas. Cathy Lasowski, an American baby-boomer based in Paris, anticipates “an increasing percentage of men falling behind or beginning to opt for non-traditional ways of working/living (as women increasingly do).”

This, in turn, will change the ways men view themselves in relation to their jobs and titles.

“Changes in jobs — outsourcing, working at home, less allegiance to a single employer/job — could have an enormous effect on how men see themselves and their place,” Jim Frank, a 50-year-old magazine editor in the US, asserts. “With luck,” he says, “and with more and more women not just entering the workplace but rising within it, men won’t have to feel that they are the sole breadwinners, that they must ‘provide’ . . .

“Will the majority of important positions (business, political, economic) be held by men? Yes, but the percentage will shrink.

“Until there are significant changes in the concept and biology of childbearing, women, unfortunately, will never quite reach equality across all people. Individual cases, absolutely; across ‘mankind’? No.”

“Equality” — if we’re looking at it as equal success and status — will increasingly be tied not just to career achievement, but to a broader definition of success that incorporates family, friendship, and life balance. So we believe true equality is within reach of women. As working hours and job stress both increase, there will be a breaking point, and society — multicultural, male and female society — will call into question whether what the white, middle-class male historically has decreed to be success any longer meets our needs and wants. Already, “equality” for many women has less to do with job titles and incomes than with a more fair division of labour and equal access to free time.

Being a Real Man today means knowing and doing what it takes to get what you want, when and how you want it. That may include an attractive partner (male or female), power and wealth, health and physical prowess, or extended hours of unhurried time with family and other loved ones. After all, we’re living in an era of infinite choice. This is the “Dawning of the Age of M-ness”.

Yes, indeed. He has the power to shape it just as women shaped theirs in the last century. Man’s greatest battle is not against women or other men or even changing times. It’s against the inertia that falsely tells him that he’s on top and will always be on top. It’s against the false sense of security that what always has been will always be. This isn’t a battle that women will instigate or fight on men’s behalf.

They’ve fought their battle — and they’ve won. Now, it’s up to men to fight their own revolution.

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.....If I am to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time...No one moves...He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest ..She gasps......He whispers ......

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...

Here, here. Men outperformed by women?? This woman better check the stats on engineering, chemistry, and math. Standardized tests support, with numbers, that, in fact, men do better in math while women in language. We are equal but still have our differences and there is nothing, I repeat, nothing wrong with that. This article is about the feminization and homosexualization of the country. Hollywood has been the driving force, but some have resisted being led by such famous idiots. Think for yourself and be what you wish with no apologies.

From the article:

(admitting you were wrong is a very feminine trait)

Turn off the alarms - this account is from a different planet!

Outperformed by girls at school, emasculated by women at home and at work, shockingly dislocated from your emotions and the hapless joke figure in endless TV commercials and sitcoms whose message is that females rule and men are fools.

Not!, no to either, dislocated from what? Who watches sitcoms anyway?

(scans remainder of article....) What drivel!

I do what I do within the limits of civility (most days), wear enough clothes to be legal and comfortable and don't really give a rat's ass what anyone thinks.

"I'm going to the range this afternoon. Any suggestions for targets?"

This idiot's book for starters. This crap makes me want to puke. This chick should watch the new Milwakee's Best commercials, they are hilarious!!!

You couldn't be more right. We have political correctness to thank for the sad state of affairs we find ourselves in today. Sadly, most people don't realize it.

Sorry to interupt the female bashing but....

I was at the range few weeks ago with my husband and went out to buy more targets. They of course have prairie dog shapes, turkeys, etc. The guy behind the counter asked if I needed any help and I asked him if he had any targets in the shape of kittens. The look on his face was priceless!

Who are these people? At my best I am barely scraping above caveman. I am still trying to get the hang of not attacking people for their food. Thanks to this article when I get home I am totally going to pee on the seat.

My-ness

Say it aloud. "Minus"? rather a, er, negative connotation to that term, ya think? She spends all that time worrying about men getting a bad image, then titles her solution "minus"? Great.

I concur with FReepers who decry the ongoing feminization and homosexualization. However, on many threads I have noticed a disturbing trend on FR.

At one time the vast majority was against women in combat, now apparently they have capitulated. Almost every thread has FReepers openly supporting women in combat.

Nothing but the feminization/homosexualization agenda carried over into the military, IMO. The feminization of the miltary.

They would like to see no gender differences in appearance and behavior. In fact, even sex will be obsolete.

Good lord man, don't lump all us gals in that opinion of yours. I like a REAL man and love sex.

Your situation sounds much like mine. My wife has not worked "outside the home" for over twenty-five years. We homeschooled our four grown children. By the way, it took less than two months to teach each one to read.

While we have a tv, we watch very little. I built my house with my two hands and those of a friend. We all read extensively. All members of my family are proficient with small arms.

My great hope is that my four children will carry on this attitude of self sufficiency that I and my wife have tried to instill in them. So far so good.

While my entire family is college educated, I have tremendous respect for the "Trades". When I hear a "metro-sexual use the term "blue collar" in a derisive way, I chalk it up to ignorance and think, "which one would I rather have by my side in a street brawl. I'll take the "blue collar" every time over the "metro".

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