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Colonel Angus

Melinda.....Amy Poehler
Daddy.....Chris Parnell
Miss Anabelle.....Rachel Dratch
Farm Boy.....Jeff Richards
Bedelia.....Maya Rudolph
Colonel Angus.....Christopher Walken

[ open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: "Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!" ]

Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When's he gonna get here, Mama?

Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient.

Melinda: Is he very handsome?

Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He's been away at war so long, I don't rightly remember.

Melinda: Mama! Look! There's a carriage on the horizon!

Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child?

Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton!

Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus!

Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus?

Miss Anabelle: ..I don't know, uh.. We haven't seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years..

[ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ]

Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus?

Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can't wait to meet him!

Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she'll settle for nothing less.

Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus!

Daddy: Hmm.. I don't know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure why.. can't put my finger on it..

Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!

[ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ]

Bedelia: Yes, Sir?

Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We're gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight!

Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don't know nothin' about no Colonel Angus!

Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy!

[ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ]

Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger!

Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience.

Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We're always happy to see your shiny face!

Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts?

Colonel Angus: I'm headed.. down South!

Daddy: Hmm. Of course!

Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus?

Colonel Angus: Ain't really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity..

Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not!

Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud?

Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda.

Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I've heard so much about you.

Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don't believe everything you hear.. about ol' Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.

Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you'll spend the night with us.

Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.

Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. I always begged my Daddy: "Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!" But he never will.

Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that's because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end in embarrassment!

[ they all share a hearty laugh ]

Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors.

Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver..

Daddy: Yes?

Colonel Angus: It's true, I'm afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw.

Daddy: Is it true you've been stripped of your rank?

Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There'll be no more "Colonel Angus", ladies. Call me by my given name.

Miss Anabelle: Oh, Anal..

Melinda: I so love the sound of "Colonel Angus".. but I guess I could give Anal Angus a try.

Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Anal Angus.. to come knockin' at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket.

Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh..

Colonel Angus: If you'll excuse me.. I'd like to freshen up.

[ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ]

Miss Anabelle: Of course! We'll call you when it's time to eat, Anal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread.

Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful!

Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm....

Miss Anabelle: You won't.. after forty-five minutes.

Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.

[ fade ]