Posted on 08/05/2005 6:35:55 AM PDT by fight_truth_decay
I watched as my wife put all her energy into scraping what looked like a white crust around a round wheel of brie cheese. She held it on its side on the cutting board and carefully used a cheese knife to peel away the white covering over a manila colored soft cheese that is by far one of my favorites. I went over to ask if I could help and she gave me a look that told me to get away because she didn’t want to spend the afternoon cleaning up my blood off the kitchen floor. Knowing she was correct as usual I backed off and watched as she did her magic.
The reason for the scraping of the brie was we were having a few people over before we went out for dinner. Now this meant my wife would prepare some of the tastiest appetizers on the face of the planet. These little morsels of food usually tasted better then any of the food we would order out at the restaurant. In fact, the appetizers were so good it was difficult to order more then a small salad at the restaurant.
Getting back to the brie, after my wife peeled all the hardened white covering off the cheese she opened up a tube of crescent rolls. You know the one advertised with the little dough boy hoping someone would push their finger deep into its stomach. I always thought the tube of crescent rolls could only be used to make dinner rolls. Boy was I ever wrong.
After popping the dough out of the tube she laid the raw crescent rolls out on the cutting board and proceeded to fill in where triangles were cut out by pushing the cuts together. This made the dough look like one large square. Then the denuded brie was placed in the middle of the dough. She then pushed the corners over the entire wheel of cheese covering it as one would cover a special Christmas present. I was becoming enthralled by what she was doing yet still being careful not to get in her way. I mean who would be foolish enough to get in the way of an artist creating a work of art.
When the cheese was covered by the dough she took what she called an egg wash and covered the top of the concoction. When it was good and shiny she placed it on an oven tray and put it in the oven for about ten minutes at 350 degrees. Now if someone wants to copy this recipe beware because I think it was for ten minutes at 350 degrees. Time and temperature have never been my strengths.
As always, as soon as our guests arrived the brie appetizer was done. It cut like a fine cake and everyone complimented the chef for her concoction. It was as if you were eating a crisp flaky pie covering warm soothing food from heaven. My mouth exploded with taste and I am sad to say the wheel of brie did not last long.
The other day my wife went out with her sisters to do some shopping at the mall. Since I would rather eat razor blades then go to the mall I told her I would stay home in order to get some chores done. I had no idea what I had to do but if I could find a chore that would get me out of going to the mall consider that chore completed. I also told her I would find something to eat for lunch and not to worry so she could have a nice time with her sisters. After she left I looked in the refrigerator to find something to get me through to dinner. There was an un-opened wheel of brie on the top shelf and a cylinder of crescent rolls next to it. I also noticed we had a full dozen eggs.
I thought what a pleasant surprise I could give my wife and sisters when they came home from the mall by making up one of our favorite appetizers. I didn’t think anyone was coming over and since I did tell her I would be doing some chores around the house; why not make one of the chores making the brie.
The first thing I had to find was the cheese knife. The last time I watched her making the appetizer I saw her take something out of our utility drawer that had a white plastic covering over it. I assumed the sheath was so you wouldn’t cut yourself as you looked for it in the drawer. To my surprise I found it before I had to empty the entire drawer. I thought this was a good sign and that my first encounter with the brie would be a happy and successful one.
I took the knife out of its protective covering and discovered it did not look like any knife I had ever seen before. It was wide and had a point on the end. Inside the knife were small knives cut into the metal. For a few seconds I was actually afraid but once I started a project I rarely stopped until it or I was done.
I then took the box of brie out of the refrigerator. I loved the way the brie cheese was stored because the wooden box made it look as though it was very valuable. I took the paper wrapped cheese out of the box, uncovered it and saw the thick white covering around what is one of my favorite cheeses. I put the cheese on its side, unsheathed the knife and proceeded to peel the white jacket off the cheese.
What I thought was a soft white covering proved to be something that could protect a person in space. It refused to be cut and every time I thought I cut through the skin the knife would pop out and take another small piece out of my hands with it. The Band-Aid stock must have gone up that day because their sales were destined to increase especially in my house.
At least an hour and a half hour later, two boxes of Kleenex, and a full box of bandages emptied I looked down at my work and saw what was left of the brie cheese. It no longer resembled a wheel but rather an amorphous glob of cheese. I didn’t think this a problem because it was to be covered by the crescent roll disguising the job I had just completed.
With bandaged hands I then grabbed the tube of crescent rolls. Being an old TV buff from way back I banged the tube of rolls on the side of the counter assuming the dough would pop out. It did not. I decided to hit the counter a bit harder in order to extract the dough. It still did not pop. Becoming a bit agitated I hit the counter as hard as I could. This made the dough explode out of its tube to the point it flew up and hit the ceiling to the kitchen. Of course it stuck there. I grabbed a chair, peeled the dough off the ceiling, and put it on the cutting board. I was just thrilled I didn’t use colored dough.
I tried to copy my wife by carefully squeezing the dough together so it would make one piece. All I did was create what looked like a piece of Swiss cheese. Knowing my wife and sisters would be home soon I placed what was left of the cheese in the middle of what was left of the crescent rolls and tried to piece the whole concoction together. Looking at what I created had no resemblance to what my wife had made. But, I was not yet defeated.
I grabbed an egg and placed it on the top of the cheese. The one think I forgot was I should have made an egg wash and then brushed it over the cheese. I just threw an egg on the top. Another mistake was made.
I then placed it in the oven at 350 degrees and decided to wait at least 20 minutes for its completion. After about ten minutes the kitchen became filled with a noxious white smoke. The reason I didn’t catch this right away was I was checking to see how the Sox were doing in their matinee game with the Twins. Like the Red Sox I lost the battle that day because what I took out of the oven was not fit for consumption by any type of man or animal.
By the way the second I took what was left of what I was trying to make out of the oven my wife and sisters came home. They all just stared at me and said nothing. Looking down at my bandaged fingers, totally disrupted kitchen, and the thing I attempted to create I simply asked how their day went.
Jim Fabiano is a teacher and writer living in York, Maine Maine Publisher's Association Best weekly column award for 2004
[drum roll..cymbals clash]
good one, thanks.
Very funny..BTW..that white "stuff" around the brie..it's penicillin mold..If the author had known that, who knows what direction the piece would have taken?..
Typical man. Screw something up so much the wife never asks him to do it again and he gets to watch the Sox from then on.
I ate that rind once. I didn't know any different. I'd never had that kind of cheese before. I'll never do that again. Yech!.......
You might need to make just a few slits in the top when you do this if the dough isn't already perforated up there.
humor pong
I sent Jim Fabiano a link to his story posted on FR ; maybe he will pass this on to his wife.
Oh, yipes! Cheap crescent rolls around a wheel of boxed Brie!
I'm no food snob, but that's just criminal. Might as well have been Wonder Bread.
Make two of 'em and slap 'em together and Bang! ya got as good a feed as that Frenchy fancy stuff ever was.
Best of all, both the cheese and bread are pre-sliced so, there's no bleeding.
And it's AMERICAN too.
Thanks for this, ftd!
Food ping!
Oh shut up. We all know you drink Meisterbrau when no one is looking.
Wasn't Wonder Bread was it? ;)
Use puff pastry and put walnuts, brown sugar, butter and cinnamon on top of the cheese.
We make it every Christmas.
I think I'll not attempt this, unless I have a recipe card in hand first. :)
Wow! That sounds awesome!
Waiting for carlo3b to offer up a recipe for Mrs. Fabiano.
Wow. That's quite a recipe there. It sounds vaguely familiar.
Actually, one of the best guilty pleasures is a sandwich made with Wonder, Velveeta, Spam, and French's (or Plochman's) yellow mustard. Buttered with Parkay or something similar.
You assemble the thing and toast it.
No natural ingredients, but yummy in a truly disgusting sort of way!
:-)
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