SCIENTISTS SEEK EXPLANATION FOR PARIS HILTOHotel

The Borowitz Report ^ | 5/31/2005 | Andy Borowitz

[annajones]

SCIENTISTS SEEK EXPLANATION FOR PARIS HILTON Hotel Heiress’ Popularity the Subject of Oslo Conference

Over two thousand of the world’s leading scientists converged on Oslo, Norway to attend a conference devoted to one of modern science’s most baffling phenomena, the continuing popularity of hotel heiress Paris Hilton.

In recent years Ms. Hilton’s worldwide fame has puzzled scientists, who have been at a loss to explain the gathering celebrity of a person who by most measures does not possess a distinctive talent, ability or personality.

But as the hotel heiress’ popularity has reached critical mass over the past twelve months, some of the most prominent voices in the scientific community called for the Oslo conference, which had been originally slated to discuss global warming, to focus on Ms. Hilton’s career instead.

The University of Tokyo’s Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke, who wrote the definitive work on how the universe was created, is among the scientists in Oslo baffled by Paris Hilton’s surging success.

“I have a much clearer idea of how the solar system came to be than I do about Paris Hilton,” Dr. Kyosuke said.

As seemingly insoluble a mystery as Paris Hilton is, however, Dr. Kyosuke hopes that the scientists in Oslo will come away with at least a workable theory of Ms. Hilton's allure.

“The better we understand how and why Paris Hilton got here, the easier it will be to predict when she will go away,” Dr. Kyosuke said.

Elsewhere, Carl Edward Roland, the man who spent 56 hours perched on a crane above Atlanta’s Buckhead district, said today that he was only trying to beat a record set by the magician David Blaine.

[annajones]

This was just too funny not to post. Please don't be offended if you like her--I hear she's actually a pretty sweet person. This post is in fun only.

[cyborg]

LOL she's a thin,blond bubblehead. The MSM loves blonde bubbleheads. It's a paradox. They make fun of her but they all want to be her or at least have her fame,money and waistline.

[SIDENET]

I think she has cooties.

[Sonny M]

I hear she's actually a pretty sweet person.

She's really not actually.

[thoughtomator]

I can explain this one in two words: "Deep Throat"

[Petronski]

At least the world's top experts are working on it. LOL

[cyborg]

deep throat is going to be the new gravitas,nuanced, and what was the other one? WMD!

[Luna]

“The better we understand how and why Paris Hilton got here, the easier it will be to predict when she will go away,” Dr. Kyosuke said.

LOL!

[cyborg]

LOL!! It's a hugh and series issue.

[ARCADIA]

These scientist have never heard of a pin-up poster.

Personality? LOL -

[CO Gal]

Me thinks her cooties have cooties!

[EagleUSA]

Isn't this the same Paris Hilton I saw on the internet? Hmmm. I would have to say "DEEP THROAT" fits. I thought that is what she is famous for...I didn't realize she was an accomplished uh, er, well, uh...what is she again???

[GipperGal]

At least the world's top experts are working on it.

Please tell me they're not getting government funding for this research.

[GSlob]

As Aristotle said once, the number and variety of fools are infinite. Once in 70s a couple of friends and me started a queue in Moscow. The queue was not even leading to a door (waiting for the place to open after a lunch-break - that at least would be plausible) but to an empty wall between two windows. Within few minutes the queue started growing, and we excused ourselves at flimsy pretexts, asking the next person to keep our places for us for a few minutes. If that queue was possible [and it was], so are the imbecile fans of any "celebrity" [and tell me, what is there to celebrate? Their own idiocy, the lack of the better things to do with their time and general emptiness of their lives?]

[RegulatorCountry]

There aren't too terribly many cogent arguments against Intelligent Design. The inexplicability of Paris Hilton is one of them.

[cmsgop]

Word is, She has "The Herpes"™

[SkyPilot]

Over two thousand of the world’s leading scientists converged on Oslo, Norway to attend a conference devoted to one of modern science’s most baffling phenomena, the continuing popularity of hotel heiress Paris Hilton.

I think these guys paid too much for their Ph.D.'s

[upchuck]

Paris Hilton's "fame" can easily be explained. It's just further proof that the RAT/NEA plan is working and on time. Thousands more ace this pop quiz on a daily basis.

Sad.

[Tribune7]

Paris Hilton (w/reviews)

[Tuba Guy]