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Lemon Harangue (Dave Barry) LoL
Maimi Herald ^ | Dave Barry

Posted on 05/15/2005 6:01:23 AM PDT by nuconvert

Lemon Harangue

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 21, 1990.)

TODAY'S CONSUMER TOPIC IS: How to Buy a Car.

The First Rule of Car-Buying is one that I learned long ago from my father, namely: Never buy any car that my father would buy. He had an unerring instinct for picking out absurd cars, cars that were clearly intended as industrial pranks, cars built by workers who had to be blindfolded to prevent them from laughing so hard at the product that they accidentally shot rivets into each other.

For example, my father was one of the very few Americans who bought the Hillman Minx, a wart-shaped British car with the same rakish, sporty appeal as a municipal parking garage but not as much pickup. Our Minx also had a Surprise Option Feature whereby the steering mechanism would disconnect itself at random moments, so you'd suddenly discover that you could spin the wheel all the way around in a playful circle without having any effect whatsoever on the front wheels. Ha ha!

You can imagine how I felt, as an insecure 16-year-old with skin capable of going from All Clear Status to Fully Mature Zit in seconds, arriving at the big high school pep rally dance, where all the cool guys had their Thunderbirds and their GTOs with their giant engines and 23 carburetors, and there I was, at the wheel of: The Hillman Minx. A car so technologically backward that the radio was still receiving Winston Churchill speeches.

You don't see many Minxes around any more, probably because the factory was bombed by the Consumer Product Safety Commission. You also don't see many Nash Metropolitans, another car my father bought. The Metropolitan was designed by professional cartoonists to look like the main character in a children's book with a name like Buster the Car Goes to Town. It was so small that it was routinely stolen by squirrels.

It was not the ideal car for dating, because there was room for only one person, so the other one had to sprint along the side of the highway, trying to make casual conversation and sometimes dropping from exhaustion. Being a gentleman, I always made sure my dates carried flares so I could go back and locate them at night.

Today's cars are much more sophisticated, by which I mean ''expensive.'' This is because modern cars employ all kinds of technologically advanced concepts such as measuring the engine in ''liters.'' Let's say you buy a car with a ''5.7 liter engine'': This means that when it breaks, you should not ask your mechanic how much it's going to cost until you've consumed 5.7 liters of a manufacturer-approved wine.

Of course, the most important consideration in buying a new car is the rebate. This is one area of automotive technology where America still reigns supreme. A lot of Japanese cars don't even have rebates, whereas some American car dealerships have become so sophisticated that they no longer even sell cars. You just go in there and sign legal papers for a couple of hours and get your rebate and your zero-percent financing with no payments due until next Halloween, and you drive home in your same old car. Ask your automotive sales professional for details. He's clinging to your leg right now.

NO! JUST KIDDING! The last time I jokingly suggested that there was anything even slightly unpleasant about buying a car, several million automotive sales professionals wrote me letters threatening to take all their advertising out of the newspaper and jam it up my nasal passages. So let me state in all sincerity that as far as I am concerned these people are gods, and car-buying is the most legal fun that a person can have while still wearing underwear.

But it can also be confusing. There are so many brands of cars today, with new ones constantly being introduced, not only from domestic manufacturers but also from foreign countries such as Mars. I refer here to the ''Infiniti,'' a car that was introduced by a bizarre advertising campaign in which -- perhaps you noticed this -- you never actually saw the car. Really.

All you saw in the magazine ads was ocean waves, leading you to wonder: Is this a submersible car? Or was there some kind of accident during the photo session? (''Dammit, Bruce, I TOLD you the tide was coming in!'') But no, the Infiniti ads were done that way on purpose. They wanted you to spend $40,000 on this car, plus whatever it costs to get the barnacles off it, but they refused to show it to you. Why? Because the Infiniti is actually: The Hillman Minx.

No, just kidding again. The truth is that the Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called ''Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is To Irritate You.'' The ultimate example of this is the magazine ads for Denaka vodka, where a haughtily beautiful woman is staring at you as though you're the world's largest ball of underarm hair, and she's saying, ''When I said vodka, I meant Denaka.'' What a fun gal! I bet she's a big hit at parties. (''Pssst! Come into the kitchen! We're all gonna spit in the Denaka woman's drink!'')

My point is that there's more to buying a car than just kicking the tires. You have to really know what you're doing, which is why, all kidding aside, I recommend that you carefully analyze your automotive needs, study the market thoroughly, and then purchase the car that you truly feel, in all objectivity, has the most expensive advertisement in this newspaper. Don't thank me: I'm just keeping my job.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: barry; car; carbuying; davebarry; hillmanminx; humor
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1 posted on 05/15/2005 6:01:23 AM PDT by nuconvert
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To: nuconvert

After Googling Hillman Minx photos, I'd have to say some are really nice looking.


2 posted on 05/15/2005 6:03:23 AM PDT by nuconvert (No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: F14 Pilot; Boxsford; Ditter; Irish Rose

Dave pong


3 posted on 05/15/2005 6:05:14 AM PDT by nuconvert (No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: nuconvert
That'll get the LADIES.
4 posted on 05/15/2005 6:33:29 AM PDT by Thebaddog (Dawgs off the coffee table.)
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1956

.

1957

.

1963

5 posted on 05/15/2005 7:07:29 AM PDT by nuconvert (No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: nuconvert

Dave is the funniest writer anywhere. Thanks.


6 posted on 05/15/2005 7:17:50 AM PDT by Ditter
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To: nuconvert

My Dad gave some thought on buying a Checker Marathon because they were built to last but like my Dad said, "who wants to buy an ugly car that will last far longer than you want it to?"


7 posted on 05/15/2005 7:36:07 AM PDT by jwh_Denver (The Good News of the Gospel of Christ really is Good News!)
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To: jwh_Denver

LoL


8 posted on 05/15/2005 8:29:26 AM PDT by nuconvert (No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: Thebaddog

That's a nice looking car.


9 posted on 05/15/2005 8:30:10 AM PDT by nuconvert (No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: nuconvert; MeekOneGOP; Conspiracy Guy; DocRock; King Prout; Old Sarge; SandyInSeattle; ...
Ladies and gentlemen, the Nash Metropolitan:


---
This-Is-Not-A-Ping-List ping!

[Freepmail me to get on or off this Not-A-Ping-List.]

10 posted on 05/15/2005 11:05:59 AM PDT by Slings and Arrows ("You would have to double your IQ to be stupid. " --zip)
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To: Slings and Arrows

I seem them on the road occasionally. They're cute.


11 posted on 05/15/2005 11:07:56 AM PDT by nuconvert (No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: nuconvert

no, the most irritating commercials (within the class of ads where they are presumably actually trying to sell stuff - perfume ads are in a different league) are the Fanata commercials.


12 posted on 05/15/2005 11:26:19 AM PDT by King Prout (blast and char it among fetid buzzard guts!)
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To: Slings and Arrows; sweetliberty

I know someone who will love this line:
"Nash Metropolitans, another car my father bought. The Metropolitan was designed by professional cartoonists to look like the main character in a children's book with a name like Buster the Car Goes to Town. It was so small that it was routinely stolen by squirrels."


13 posted on 05/15/2005 11:39:37 AM PDT by Darksheare (What do you mean I'm that old? I am not! You can't prove it! I'm telling!)
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To: nuconvert
Now this is the car you need to pick up chicks back in Minsk:


14 posted on 05/15/2005 11:45:41 AM PDT by struwwelpeter
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To: nuconvert

That Hillman that's advertised as have "the new gay look"--oooh, that's what we all want, isn't it? I can attest to the delights of having a car with a "gay look" because I drive a Subaru Outback, and we all know about those. . .


15 posted on 05/15/2005 12:06:08 PM PDT by Capriole (I don't have any problems that couldn't be solved by more chocolate or more ammunition)
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To: nuconvert

"The First Rule of Car-Buying is one that I learned long ago from my father, namely: Never buy any car that my father would buy. He had an unerring instinct for picking out absurd cars, cars that were clearly intended as industrial pranks, cars built by workers who had to be blindfolded to prevent them from laughing so hard at the product that they accidentally shot rivets into each other."

Why I like Dave Barry.

Thanks for the pong. :)


16 posted on 05/15/2005 2:10:54 PM PDT by Irish Rose (Some people march to the beat of a different drummer. And some people tango!)
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To: Slings and Arrows
Actually the Nash corporation was quite innovative for it's time. Shown below is the optional "Blizzard Package" for the Metropolitan.

Image hosted by TinyPic.com

Snow tire manufacturers threatened Nash with unending litigation if they did not abandon the project so this option became quite rare and the whole incident became known as the worst automotive snow job in history

17 posted on 05/15/2005 2:31:59 PM PDT by Cowman (Just when you hit the bottom of the stupid hole you notice the guy next to you is digging)
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To: nuconvert

They are. I have to admit, I'm a guy who's seriously considering getting a Mercedes Smart, just because it makes me smile.


18 posted on 05/15/2005 5:28:52 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows ("You would have to double your IQ to be stupid. " --zip)
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To: Cowman

Lol


19 posted on 05/15/2005 6:04:13 PM PDT by nuconvert (No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
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To: nuconvert

BUMP


20 posted on 05/15/2005 6:15:45 PM PDT by F14 Pilot (Democracy is a process not a product)
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