Where No Geek Has Gone Before

The last new Enterprise airs tonight, and soon Star Trek will be, in a sense, dead -- but we should all have such a rollicking afterlife. Forget the five-year mission; Star Trek has succeeded in its thirty-year mission to be the most all-encompassing multimedia geek experience ever. Star Trek doesn't need new episodes, or new anything else. Between hundred of episodes, novels, comic books, video games, role-playing games, conventions, cartoons, and movies, Star Trek has achieved cultural immortality.

Yes, Orson Scott Card, it was inferior science fiction, but so what? Star Trek was family. You don't stop loving your kids just because someone else's kids are smarter and better looking. Star Trek didn't just offer the illimitable joys of William Shatner tumbling out of his chair every time the camera shook, or yet another sermon from the pen of Gene Roddenberry about how organized religion is a childish superstition. It offered a world. It offered a place that dreamers could call their own; a place where wonky, right-leaning dreams of rugged space exploration and pioneering could sit comfortably next to hippy-dippy dreams of world peace and universal brotherhood. It was a kind of home, and home is no place for shrewd critical judgments.

Star Trek offered us middle-class midwestern types a chance at full-body geeky immersion when nothing else did. Now pay attention to yer Grandpappy Kern, you young Gen Y whippersnappers. In the bad old days, when nickels cost dimes, ladies wore petticoats, and high-speed modems ran at 800 bits per second, geeky pursuits were the love that dared not speak its name. In those days, we didn't have "graphic novels." Admitting that you read comic books was like admitting that you read Playboy for the pictures. Video games? If you spent twenty hours a week on the same game, your parents had you institutionalized. Dungeons and Dragons? For Satanists. Tolkien? For Folklore Studies majors who looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy and homely girls who liked unicorns.

Ah, but Trekkers? (Or Trekkies, as we called them in the days before Congress outlawed the word as a hate crime.) Even in the distant hinterlands of the industrial Midwest, folks had heard of such a thing. Mainstream? No. But Trekkies were comprehensible. You could tell your girlfriends "My husband is such a Trekkie" and they would nod understandingly. You could go to Waldenbooks and find racks and racks of Star Trek novels and books and retrospectives, and no one would stare if you read such books on the bus home. You could hold conventions and dress up in Federation uniforms and, while you still might get beaten up, most likely you wouldn't get arrested. Obsessive behavior over Star Trek earned the same shred of respectability as, say, socialism, or nudism. And that sliver of respect gave Trekkies (and fantasy-loving fellow travelers like me) the opportunity to seek each other out.

Something in the human psyche wants to enthuse in the company of like-minded people. Normal people scratch that itch through sports and religion and politics. Imaginative folk scratch it through fantasy and science fiction and comic books. In Star Trek, we dreamers found the means to reveal our true geeky selves to the world, and to each other. It was our Stonewall.

In the church of geekitude, the Internet offers cheap grace. Any jerk with a computer and an ISP can obsess over anything with little effort. Just Google up your favorite TV show/book/comic book/movie/video game/whatever, and you'll find 1,000,000 sites devoted to documenting it and analyzing it in painstaking detail. Master a little HTML and JavaScript, and you can add your thoughts and obsessions to the pile. Hit "send," and you can direct your febrile pop culture vaticinations to millions of like-minded geeks worldwide. Nowadays, to enthuse wildly requires no manic passion, no ferocious intensity.

By contrast, your fathers' geeks had to rely on the U.S. Postal Service for all their mass communication needs. Home pages? Archived documents? No, sonny, we had 'zines - ugly, smudged, badly photocopied homebrewed newsletters that had to be assembled and mailed by hand. And on the strength of this fragile fannish samizdat, a cultural juggernaut was built.

Consider these essay titles, culled from a compilation of articles from the top 'zine:
The Star Trek Movie Novel and Comics Adaptations
Parallels in Star Trek: The Motion Picture vs. the Series
A Brief Look at Spock's Career
Star Trek: The Motion Picture -- A Review
The Psychology of Captain Kirk's Popularity
Vulcan as a Patriarchy
A Trek Into Genealogy
Alternate Universes in Star Trek

Greater love than this hath no geek, to write 2,500 words on Star Trek genealogy for free. If these articles sound awful, well, they frequently were - but they were just as frequently better than anyone had a right to expect. The sheer love of Star Trek inspired some surprisingly thoughtful writing from some unusually smart non-writers.

Remind you of any blogospheres you know?
Like the blogosphere, Star Trek fans wielded power that the MSM couldn't imagine. It is a staple of Star Trek lore that a massive letter-writing campaign saved Star Trek from cancellation after its second season. No one knows the exact number of letters that NBC received - I've heard anywhere from 50,000 to a million - but regardless, it was a remarkable achievement at a time when massive letter-writing campaigns received no help from Microsoft Outlook. Later, the passion of the fans kept Star Trek alive in novels and cartoons and reruns until Hollywood caught on to the profits that could be reaped from such excitement. Reflect upon the billions of dollars generated over the last thirty years in the name of Star Trek, and realize: geeks did that.

Star Trek ends having nothing left to prove and perhaps nothing left to say. A clever writer can always wring another tale out of a world as fertile as that of Star Trek, and yet after thirty years it's fair to say that the easy seams of dramatic gold are all mined out. ("Captain Janeway fighting a Romulan-Bajoran hybrid on a planet of sentient Tribbles that's just like Ancient Rome, but in the Mirror Universe? And she's been blinded? By Q? And the story is told in reverse order? Dude, we did that last season.") But so what? The world now contains more Star Trek than anyone could consume in a lifetime. Star Trek has conquered every forum of geekery; now, like an aging pro athlete, it retires before younger, better competitors can show it up too much.

It's easy to yuk it up about geeks and Star Trek, so let me end on a personal note. Seventeen years ago, I was six hundred miles from home, a stranger from the Midwest at a profoundly east-coast institution of learning. And I admit: I inhaled Star Trek paperback novels - sometimes on a weekly basis. It was a cheap luxury for a scholarship student; more important, it was a mental haven, with characters I liked, a familiar and comfortable setting, and a reassuring message that man's potential for greatness could surmount even the most formidable of obstacles. For a few months in 1988, Star Trek was my respite from the world. Kirk, Spock, Picard, and all the rest made for good friends at a time when real friends were in short supply.

So I salute you, Star Trek, as you complete your transition from living entertainment meme to stately cultural artifact. You taught us how to live our love for geekish things, and in the shadow of your committed fans we were less ashamed. In that sense, all fans are Trekkers now.

I should have clarified - I like the original series. The PC new series truly irritated me.

Alright.... Now you've gone and done it Ivan. I'm sorry, but I must post the following:

Here are the top 100 reasons why Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard...

Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
Kirk never got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
Kirk has sex more than once a season.
One Word: Hair.
Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
Picard is a French man with an English accent.
Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
Two words: Shoulder Roll.
Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively heathy.
Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off -- even around those pesky Yeomans.
Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
One Word: Velour.
Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37 he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
One Word: Iman.
Kirk looks good in a ripped shirt.
If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and sh** down its neck.
Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
Kirk never once said, "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
Kirk is not politically correct.
Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
If there ever was a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
One Word: Miniskirts.
Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*** YOURSELF."
If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
Picard never met Joan Collins.
Picard flunked his entrance exam to Starfleet.
Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
Two Words: Line Delivery.
Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?>
Kirk is not put off by green skin.
Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
Kirk onces fought a Greek god. And won.
Kirk rarely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
One word: Fisticuffs.
Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
The Klingon's didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
Kirk's bridge is not beige.
Two Words: Crane Shots.
Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LAY-Z-BOY for the bridge.
Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
Kirk never once, ever, wore a weiner wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
One Word: Balls

The Rules of Acquisition

1. Once you have their money ... never give it back.
3. Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
8. Small print leads to large risk.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
16. A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along.
17. A contract is a contract is a contract (but only between Ferengi).
18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
27. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
31. Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother ... insult something he cares about instead.
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34. Peace is good for business.
35. War is good for business.
40. She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
41. Profit is its own reward.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
47. Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
52. Never ask when you can take.
57. Good customers are as rare as latinum -- treasure them.
58. There is no substitute for success.
59. Free advice is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
65. Win or lose, there's always Hyperian beetle snuff.
75. Home is where the heart is ... but the stars are made of latinum.
76. Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
85. Never let the competition know what you're thinking.
89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
94. Females and finances don't mix.
97. Enough ... is never enough.
99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
102. Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.
104. Faith moves mountains ... of inventory.
106. There is no honour in poverty.
109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
111. Treat people in your debt like family ... exploit them.
112. Never have sex with the boss's sister.
113. Always have sex with the boss.
117. You can't free a fish from water.
121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
139. Wives serve, brothers inherit.
141. Only fools pay retail.
144. There's nothing wrong with charity ... as long as it winds up in your pocket.
162. Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit.
177. Know your enemies ... but do business with them always.
181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189. Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.
192. Never cheat a Klingon ... unless you're sure you can get away with it.
194. It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in the door.
202. The justification for profit is profit.
203. New customers are like razortoothed grubworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they can bite back.
211. Employees are rungs on the ladder of success. Don't hesitate to step on them.
214. Never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach.
218. Always know what you're buying.
223. Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.
229. Latinum lasts longer than lust.
236. You can't buy fate.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242. More is good ... all is better.
255. A wife is a luxury ... a smart accountant is a necessity.
261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your love of latinum.
266. When in doubt, lie.
284. Deep down everyone's a Ferengi.
285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.
286. [Quark's rule] When Morn leaves, it's all over.

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