Posted on 04/24/2005 6:35:03 PM PDT by TheWriterTX
The last emotion I expected to feel was fear. Yet, there it was, a niggling sensation cinching the pit of my stomach, so dramatically different from my other pregnancies.
I have a good reason to be afraid.
During the several long, and often painful, years that my husband and I attempted to conceive a child, I became accustomed to hiding my grief. When pregnancy tests came back negative, I would slap on a brave face for the world and muffle my sobs into towels behind a locked bathroom door. I can still recall, with bitter clarity, the conflicting tests results – pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant – only to learn that my hostile womb did not accept a fertilized egg. That gentle glow of life had flickered out, allowing me to catch just the briefest glance of its dimming light.
I didn't understand it. My husband and I shared a loving, committed, and stable relationship. We were financially secure and owned a comfortable home. We tried, in all ways, to live by the golden rules. We had so much love in our hearts; a baby would only enhance our joy. We were prepared to make all the sacrifices, to put our children first, to protect, to nurture, to cherish. With each passing month, I grew more despondent, felt more worthless, and saw myself as less than whole.
I placed the matter into God's hands, knowing that He alone created life. Please, Lord, I prayed, show me the way You want me to go. Adopt? Wait? Be a mother to another? I prayed to accept His decision with grace, with a glad heart.
To our supreme delight, He blessed us with a beautiful boy, born just 40 weeks later.
Before the year was out, I was pregnant again. This time, I was carrying a girl. At 32 weeks, I hemorrhaged. I can still remember my husband's strength on that day, his firm assurances despite the blanching of his face, and how his hands seemed to effortlessly guide me from a dark and horrifying place.
Twelve days later, our beloved girl was home. The days of tubes and needles and beeping machines were over. The days of staggering medical bills had begun. But all of it was worth it, worth it a hundred times over, for the delight of my daughter's voice, the gentle lilt of her laughter, the wonderful smell of her soft skin.
In the two and a half years that have passed, many things have changed. My babies are riding bikes without training wheels, coloring and drawing, saying grace at mealtimes, and playing with friends. We're still struggling to pay off the debt, my endometriosis returned, and my pap-smears have come back with pre-cancer cells. After surgery and a menstrual cycle as frequent and erratic as buck shot fired into a calendar, we believed our days of little feet were over.
But God had other things in mind.
This I know: I am at a very high risk to lose my baby. I am a cancer risk. I am nearing 40, and there is every likelihood my baby will be perilously premature. My heart rate plummeted dangerously during my daughter's c-section and the recovery was terribly slow. By the grace of God, alone, we both pulled through.
I'm afraid that this little one will never know my arms, afraid that he or she won't survive to feel my touch, afraid that I won't survive to touch them.
This I also know: On the day I married, I vowed to accept children lovingly from God. A little soul is already nestled inside me, attached to me forever. God gave me this baby for a reason, and fear will not prevent me from doing everything I can, everything I must, to see it born.
Even if it means my life.
Linda Prussen-Razzano is frequent contributor to Enter Stage Right and a number of other online magazines.
I will be praying for you and your little one. May God help this pregnancy to go well and bless you with a healthy baby!
I started cramping down last night, which was alarming at first. That is why things got quiet on my end; I logged off to rest. I woke up this morning with a hard belly and no spotting; I did this for my son and daughter, so it looks like things are progressing well.
I'll let everyone know how the doctor's visit went. It's set for May 3rd. God willing, we will have a heartbeat!
Many, many thanks again, my friends, for all your kind words and prayers. It means more than you can know and I can express.
Am so deeply sorry about the last baby that did not make it into this world and arms of you and your loving husband.
Now you are pregnant once again. You are a brave woman. You have endured grief deep enough to break a lesser person. I will pray to St. Gerard for you as he is the patron saint of expectant mothers. I will pray this baby will make it into our world and that you will be cured and that the both of you can live your lives with your husband and your other son and daughter. Stay strong and keep the faith. There is a message here. Maybe this child will make some kind of impact that is not yet known. God only knows our world could sure use it. Take care and know there are those out here who are with you all the way. Don't forget to keep us posted along the way. We DO care here on Free Republic.
Prayers sent for the little one, Linda and her family.
Prayer bump.
Prayer bump.
Are you saying that it's dangerous to your life to have this child? Is that what you're saying?
I wondered why you got quite last evening. Now I understand. Hope you are feeling ok today and resting a lot. I know you will do everything you can so I don't worry about that end. I'll just keep the prayers for a wonderful outcome going.
In the meantime, my best to the family and here's a (((HUG))) for you.
Joining with the prayer warriors for you, your new baby, and your family. God Bless.
And, I join everyone else in offering prayers!
God Bess
Prayer bttt and a howdy to you AG!
Hugs and so nice to 'see' you.
So nice to see you, too, my friend! Here's another prayer bump!
It could be. I hemmoraghed with my daughter (30% abruption) at 31-32 weeks and my blood pressure and heart rate dropped sharply on the delivery table. I have very low blood pressure to begin with, so this caused all sorts of frantic activity to get my daughter out in time. I passed out after she was removed and did not awaken until the following morning. All in all, it took me several months to recover.
I also had a small battle with uterine cancer after she was born. Thankfully, they were able to get it. I'm praying it doesn't come back while I'm carrying this one. Since abortion is not an option for me, I'm praying very hard, indeed.
During my miscarriage last year, I was hospitalized twice for excessive bleeding. After the first week, when my body let my baby go, I stopped for two days. Then came another four weeks of bleeding, with the flow increasing. I was filling diapers every hour on the last day and passed out on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood. My son found me and brought me the phone; neighbors rushed me to the hospital. They thought I had experienced another abruption. It turns out that my body was still trying to provide a safe lining for my child, who was lost to us a month earlier.
This is my 5th pregnancy. I'm praying that this one, like those of my son and daughter, is successful.
Prayers and hugs.
I wanted to give you an update; it doesn't appear good. I started cramping down last night...lots of pressure inside. Kept me up for most of the night and hurt like heck.
My uterus had hardened up (as it did with both my babies) last week, which was a good sign; but today, my stomach is flatter and everything is soft and pliable again. I have a very empty feeling in my heart right now, like something is wrong. No spotting, but pressure like its about to begin.
Doctor has me on best rest for today, and I have an appointment first thing in the morning. Husband stayed home with me to watch the kids so I can rest.
I'm about two months along. We are hoping for a heartbeat tomorrow...that will be the best sign that this little one is still with us.
Please keep us in your prayers. My heart is just aching over this, and I don't know what else to do than pray.
Hand off your worries to us, and keep us apprised. The prayer warriors are here!
I join in urgent, earnest prayer for you and the little one - a good report and a successful pregnancy!
Major Prayers sent.
God bless you all.
Thank you so much, Maigrey. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, feeling so darn helpless, and it brings me such comfort to see the generosity of spirit from my fellow FReepers. I will certainly let everyone know how things turn out tomorrow.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.