Posted on 04/11/2005 8:59:33 AM PDT by qam1
Haydee Leon is planning her wedding with a spreadsheet in hand.
It's the “something new” prospective brides need these days.
Leon and her fiance, Chris Mandernach, 25, have set a budget for their Sept. 18 wedding at The Clubhouse on Baltimore, and she's determined not to overspend.
When they got engaged in December, they decided they wanted a wedding that was elegant and in good taste, “but without going overboard,” says Leon, 26, who lives in Overland Park. “Something that was just reasonable.”
In the end, they decided that $16,000 was reasonable. It is, compared to the cost of a typical U.S. wedding, which is now more than $26,000.
That's almost 50 percent more than what they cost in 1990 according to the latest estimates from the industry.
Americans, it seems, are in love with love, and a savvy industry that throws seminars for photographers and wedding planners on how to “sell the bride” is a more-than-willing suitor.
From TV shows such as “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?” and movies such as “Bride and Prejudice,” to bridal expos, celebrity wedding coverage and Internet bridal sites, everywhere you turn, someone is saying “I do” — or at least telling us how to do it. This weekend will surely bring up the subject again with Prince Charles' royal wedding in England.
Today, the bride-to-be has her pick of at least 77 bridal magazines on newsstands, more than four times as many as the 18 published in 1989, according to the National Directory of Magazines.
Most of them will tell the happy couple how to save money and many a father of the bride has joked about mortgaging the house to pay for his daughter's wedding.
These days, that's no laughing matter.
Before World War I, the average wedding cost one-third of the annual U.S. median family income, says Alan Fields in Boulder, Colo. He and his wife, Denise, have become well-known watchdogs of the wedding industry.
By the 1960s, it had risen to half. Today, wedding costs are closing in on 60 percent of annual family incomes, says Fields, co-author of the popular Bridal Bargains series of books.
It's all too much for some couples. The commercialization of weddings has caused inflation and people are forgetting what the ceremony is about, says Pete Tarantino, a 35-year-old Kansas City loan officer who just got married to Susan, 31.
“It's important to stay focused on spending a lifetime together and not just a day,” Tarantino says of the planning process. “It's about your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with God. Stay away from the magazines and the TV shows, and be involved with each other.”
“The focus has moved to the bride's dress, the size of the ring or how many people are at the reception, when it needs to be the exact opposite,” he says.
How did we get to this point? The idea of the big, fancy wedding is seductive.
Cele Otnes, an associate professor of business administration at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, spent four years researching weddings for a book she co-wrote with colleague Elizabeth Pleck called Cinderella Dreams: The Allure of the Lavish Wedding.
One reason the lavish wedding has taken off to near recession-proof costs, they argue, is that “it allows people to experience magic in their lives,” Otnes says.
It's guilt-free magic, she says, because people tell themselves this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, though that's not necessarily true anymore. Half of all new unions involve at least one partner who is marrying for a second time. And there's no more reluctance in spending big on a second wedding either. Encore weddings in the United States average about $12,000, Otnes says.
Weddings also let people “remember themselves as close as they'll ever get to being celebrities,” Otnes says. “People are young, and probably the most attractive they'll ever be, given the amount of pampering that's gone into one day.
“When you think about the powerful task that it accomplishes, it's hard to beat. You get a lot of sociological and emotional bang for the buck, even at $26,000.”
Romance is a huge driver of consumerism, Otnes says, quoting one of her sources who suggested that the lavish wedding allows us to express our romance with consumption and our consumption of romance.
So is it any wonder that the fairytale wedding has become the picture of a romantic marriage?
“A fantasy is much more appealing than reality,” says Susan Shapiro Barash, professor of gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and author of The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife.
The glamorized wedding epitomizes the hope for happily ever after and with that idea comes the willingness to create it at any cost, says Barash.
And it's important to today's young bride that her marriage is enduring. These are the daughters of baby-boomer women, many of whom are divorced or have never been married but often have careers and educations, she says.
But when these brides look at their grandmothers, they see women who have been married for 50 years to the same man. They want that kind of marriage. They want to live “happily ever after.”
“The 21st-century wife is determined to not have a stressful marriage, but to have a very romantic, exciting marriage,” Barash says.
Sarah Burkindine of Prairie Village has seen the fantasy of it all while planning her Nov. 5 wedding to Brian Roberts, 32.
“Weddings are becoming more of an event,” says Burkindine, 28. “I definitely think people are spending more these days on weddings than they did years ago.
“My aunt got married in the early to mid-‘80s and my grandmother paid for it by herself, and that wedding was much less than $10,000,” says Burkindine. “My sister recently got married and had a wedding similar to that one, but 20 years later the cost more than doubled.”
That is closer to the cost of the average $20,000 Kansas City wedding, according to local bridal publications.
“Weddings are more extravagant,” Burkindine says. “It's not your basic dress, tux and 50 guests. People get wrapped up in the little details, like favors, chair covers, huge halls, big bands and outstanding florists. But there's a supply and demand, and people will pay for it.”
It would be hard for any one person to pay for all of the cost themselves, Burkindine says. Her budget is made up of a large contribution from her parents, some from his parents and a few thousand from the couple.
That's not necessarily a new phenomenon, but this pitching in to cover the cost of a wedding is happening more often these days, wedding experts say.
“It's just becoming more unusual for the bride's family to foot the bill,” says Kara Corridan, executive editor of Modern Bride and Elegant Bride magazines in New York. “It happens, but it's not the norm anymore. It's almost seen as old-fashioned.
“We know a lot of couples bringing in a nice income and they feel funny turning around asking their parents to pay for it.”
Even arbiters of etiquette such as Peggy Post contend that it's not unusual for families to pool their money to get their sons and daughters hitched. Today, approximately 25 percent of weddings are paid for solely by the bride's parents, according to wedding industry estimates.
“I think that's a reflection of that $20,000 figure,” says Alan Fields. “It's just a lot of money.”
The Cinderella Dreams authors found little backlash to the lavish wedding during their four years of research. But they didn't meet Kansas City couple Jamillah Duckett and her husband, Quentin. They steered well away from the marketing and hype when it came to their 2004 wedding.
“My wedding was simple, intimate, elegant and romantic,” says Duckett, 29, whose wedding cost about $2,500. “I only had my sister stand up with me, and his brother stood up with him, and I would not change a thing about my day.”
Duckett thinks people have forgotten what a wedding is supposed to be.
“Spending your whole life savings makes for a dream wedding, but it's not the (blueprint) for a healthy marriage,” Duckett says.
“One of the main things for my husband and I is that we had to remember that this was our day, because everyone is going to give you their opinion of how they think your wedding should go and that, in itself, can be stressful,” Duckett says.
“Just remember the purpose and you'll be fine.”
You sound like a wonderful dad.
Your daughters hopefully picked good guys with
you as an example.
LOL!!
Hey, it was my idea to elope, so I'm not complaining in the least. :)
I married my best friend. After 12 years she's still my best friend. And there's still passion, but of a different kind. I think most people who divorce marry someone who's main attraction is physical, and when that fire goes out after about three years, the marriage gets into trouble.
I agree with you about the pictures! I've seen the pictures overdone in a lot of ways! If I could warn a future bride about one thing it would be to not get sucked into the bridal photo package that costs a few thousand dollars and is really a drag on the day.
First example, my friend where I was maid of honor, she had to be at the church two hours before the wedding, and they stood for pose after pose after pose for two full hours that exhausted everyone and made the wedding itself seem like an afterthought. Who ends up wanting all these pictures? fifty pictures of the bride, a few with the groom, one pic of the bride with the bridesmaids, one with the groom and the groomsmen. A pic with the bride and her family, a pic of the groom and the bride with her family. A pic of the groom and his family, a pic of the groom and just his mother. A pic of the bride with just her mother, a pic of the bride with her mother and father. A pic with just her father. I could go on and on.
The second recent wedding I went to was similar except all this went on after the ceremony, and kept the couple and their whole family from the reception for over an hour with all these combinations of shots. I appreciate that families feel they rarely have everyone together for a picture, but I don't see the point in every mathmatical combination of characters and poses. The couple will want a few nice pictures of themselves and family from the wedding. But it overshadows the event sometimes.
We didn't hire a photographer, we mingled and posed for shots during the reception itself, all our friends had digital cameras. We got all the pictures of us and the guests that anyone would need to see what the day was like just from our friends.
But then... I was never on the princess plan, as I've said before. I agree. Complaining only about the cost does smack of class envy or warfare, and my gripe is on the silly plans that are made.... not how much it costs.
Find a nice chapel or your own church.
Purchase a beautiful dress "off the rack"
Have a few in your bridal party with dresses "off the rack"
Find a nice place
Find a good caterer
Have someone bake you a beautiful but modest cake
Invite CLOSE friends only
Invite Immediate family only
Simple finger foods, music and fun
Memories need to be made on this most important day not arguments, overspending, ridiculous prices. If you want a designer wedding dress...buy one off the rack and put a designer label in it. I bet no one would notice the difference anyway. Besides...have you SEEN some of the dresses those idiot stars pay for by designers? Can you see the designers making the dress thinking of the starlet but with a sucker (lollipop) over the head of the starlet? Nothing is worth those kinds of hard earned dollars. My friend could make dresses that would put a designer's in the garbage. When will people learn it is not the QUALITY of the item that costs so much but the NAME of the person who made it?!
Weddings are a racket anymore to get your $$$$$$$$. Just like a lot of other things.
Keep it simple. Keep it tasteful. And most importantly...no cake in faces like only those with no class seem to think is funny today.
My husband I got married in San Diego 10 years ago, for probably well under $3,000 (including the honeymoon and my plane ticket from Indiana). I don't understand the drama of spending 10s of thousands for one day of your life. Worry more about what goes on after the wedding for the next 50 years instead. The fact that my husband and I didn't have ice sculptures, 10 bridesmaids and 300 guests didn't change a damn thing about our marriage. We are still very connected after 10 years and 3 kids.
Now how much you want to bet some of these people who spend this kind of money on a wedding will put off having kids for several years because can't afford them?
You sound like you had a terrific time and have/had all the right motives!
Me neither (and I got the butt gene too - maybe it's at the same chromosome location as the big wedding gene, and you get either one or the other? :lol: ).
We got married in a state park by the lake. Had it catered but it was pretty much a dressy barbecue. We were insane and grew our own flowers and vegetables for the reception, as well as handwrapped our own favors (I don't recommend growing your own stuff, it's very stressful). My parents drove me there in their sedan, and DH and I drove away in his Volkswagon then went out drinking with all the in-town guests that night :lol: .
Total price tag was about 3K, would've been a lot less without the open bar (beer and wine only, but with my family it adds up!).
LQ
Mine cost around $2,000, in one of the biggest churches in the state of Maine, and that includes the cost of getting there and the honeymoon. My wife designed her own dress, so it cost more than off-the-rack, but wasn't terribly expensive.
You want to know what a great person my grandmother was? I came home for my grandfather's funeral a few weeks before the wedding. The week she was putting her husband of 52 years in the ground, she insisted on running around with me making wedding arrangements. She just couldn't imagine not helping. Probably saved me some money, too.
I have to say I haven't seen any of the cake smashing lately, thankfully. I think that was a fad that passed quickly, though I am disappointed hear guests actually cheering for it during the cake thing.
I tried to get Rambette to go for me wearing my dress uniform, but she felt that if I wore mine she should wear hers, and she wanted that wedding dress instead. Me, I figured the wedding dress was her crowning glory and the dress uniform was my crowning glory, but I never got anywhere.
Call the septic pumper!
Ugh... would not be pretty trying to recover it.
A good friend of mine had a large ring, and once when she was letting her horse lick her hand, the horse chomped and bit the diamond right off her hand.
She stalled the horse for a week, and picked through every pile, but the diamond was not found.
Dude...scale down. After 12 years with the girl, I look back and think, "If that wedding had cost $200 bucks, would I be just as happy now?" And of course, the answer is yes. Don't blow a bunch of money on it, use it for a house, or to make your early years debt free, or stick it in a retirement account.
That sounds really great! If we hadn't eloped we were going to do something very similar to your wedding.
My cousin and her husband got married at sunset on the beach in Maui. They had just their close family there (parents and siblings). It looked absolutely beautiful.
IMO, it's all about marking the day in a way that's meaningful to you and your spouse. I can't imagine going into debt, though.
Most people don't understand the most important rule of personal finance...
"You will earn a limited amount of income in your lifetime."
...and see an extravagant wedding as something they can afford, not as something that will prevent them from affording other things.
I hope you make better cakes than the one we had for our wedding. It was the only bad part. It was a cheesecake and it collapsed all in on itself. I think my wife's folks paid a couple grand for it. What a waste.
Spending more and more to get less and less. Where have I seen this before?
Heartily agree!
My friend's parents spent $250,000 on his sister's wedding. And it wasn't in Manhattan or Beverly Hills but Cape Girardeau, MO.
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