Posted on 04/11/2005 8:59:33 AM PDT by qam1
Haydee Leon is planning her wedding with a spreadsheet in hand.
It's the “something new” prospective brides need these days.
Leon and her fiance, Chris Mandernach, 25, have set a budget for their Sept. 18 wedding at The Clubhouse on Baltimore, and she's determined not to overspend.
When they got engaged in December, they decided they wanted a wedding that was elegant and in good taste, “but without going overboard,” says Leon, 26, who lives in Overland Park. “Something that was just reasonable.”
In the end, they decided that $16,000 was reasonable. It is, compared to the cost of a typical U.S. wedding, which is now more than $26,000.
That's almost 50 percent more than what they cost in 1990 according to the latest estimates from the industry.
Americans, it seems, are in love with love, and a savvy industry that throws seminars for photographers and wedding planners on how to “sell the bride” is a more-than-willing suitor.
From TV shows such as “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?” and movies such as “Bride and Prejudice,” to bridal expos, celebrity wedding coverage and Internet bridal sites, everywhere you turn, someone is saying “I do” — or at least telling us how to do it. This weekend will surely bring up the subject again with Prince Charles' royal wedding in England.
Today, the bride-to-be has her pick of at least 77 bridal magazines on newsstands, more than four times as many as the 18 published in 1989, according to the National Directory of Magazines.
Most of them will tell the happy couple how to save money and many a father of the bride has joked about mortgaging the house to pay for his daughter's wedding.
These days, that's no laughing matter.
Before World War I, the average wedding cost one-third of the annual U.S. median family income, says Alan Fields in Boulder, Colo. He and his wife, Denise, have become well-known watchdogs of the wedding industry.
By the 1960s, it had risen to half. Today, wedding costs are closing in on 60 percent of annual family incomes, says Fields, co-author of the popular Bridal Bargains series of books.
It's all too much for some couples. The commercialization of weddings has caused inflation and people are forgetting what the ceremony is about, says Pete Tarantino, a 35-year-old Kansas City loan officer who just got married to Susan, 31.
“It's important to stay focused on spending a lifetime together and not just a day,” Tarantino says of the planning process. “It's about your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with God. Stay away from the magazines and the TV shows, and be involved with each other.”
“The focus has moved to the bride's dress, the size of the ring or how many people are at the reception, when it needs to be the exact opposite,” he says.
How did we get to this point? The idea of the big, fancy wedding is seductive.
Cele Otnes, an associate professor of business administration at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, spent four years researching weddings for a book she co-wrote with colleague Elizabeth Pleck called Cinderella Dreams: The Allure of the Lavish Wedding.
One reason the lavish wedding has taken off to near recession-proof costs, they argue, is that “it allows people to experience magic in their lives,” Otnes says.
It's guilt-free magic, she says, because people tell themselves this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, though that's not necessarily true anymore. Half of all new unions involve at least one partner who is marrying for a second time. And there's no more reluctance in spending big on a second wedding either. Encore weddings in the United States average about $12,000, Otnes says.
Weddings also let people “remember themselves as close as they'll ever get to being celebrities,” Otnes says. “People are young, and probably the most attractive they'll ever be, given the amount of pampering that's gone into one day.
“When you think about the powerful task that it accomplishes, it's hard to beat. You get a lot of sociological and emotional bang for the buck, even at $26,000.”
Romance is a huge driver of consumerism, Otnes says, quoting one of her sources who suggested that the lavish wedding allows us to express our romance with consumption and our consumption of romance.
So is it any wonder that the fairytale wedding has become the picture of a romantic marriage?
“A fantasy is much more appealing than reality,” says Susan Shapiro Barash, professor of gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and author of The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife.
The glamorized wedding epitomizes the hope for happily ever after and with that idea comes the willingness to create it at any cost, says Barash.
And it's important to today's young bride that her marriage is enduring. These are the daughters of baby-boomer women, many of whom are divorced or have never been married but often have careers and educations, she says.
But when these brides look at their grandmothers, they see women who have been married for 50 years to the same man. They want that kind of marriage. They want to live “happily ever after.”
“The 21st-century wife is determined to not have a stressful marriage, but to have a very romantic, exciting marriage,” Barash says.
Sarah Burkindine of Prairie Village has seen the fantasy of it all while planning her Nov. 5 wedding to Brian Roberts, 32.
“Weddings are becoming more of an event,” says Burkindine, 28. “I definitely think people are spending more these days on weddings than they did years ago.
“My aunt got married in the early to mid-‘80s and my grandmother paid for it by herself, and that wedding was much less than $10,000,” says Burkindine. “My sister recently got married and had a wedding similar to that one, but 20 years later the cost more than doubled.”
That is closer to the cost of the average $20,000 Kansas City wedding, according to local bridal publications.
“Weddings are more extravagant,” Burkindine says. “It's not your basic dress, tux and 50 guests. People get wrapped up in the little details, like favors, chair covers, huge halls, big bands and outstanding florists. But there's a supply and demand, and people will pay for it.”
It would be hard for any one person to pay for all of the cost themselves, Burkindine says. Her budget is made up of a large contribution from her parents, some from his parents and a few thousand from the couple.
That's not necessarily a new phenomenon, but this pitching in to cover the cost of a wedding is happening more often these days, wedding experts say.
“It's just becoming more unusual for the bride's family to foot the bill,” says Kara Corridan, executive editor of Modern Bride and Elegant Bride magazines in New York. “It happens, but it's not the norm anymore. It's almost seen as old-fashioned.
“We know a lot of couples bringing in a nice income and they feel funny turning around asking their parents to pay for it.”
Even arbiters of etiquette such as Peggy Post contend that it's not unusual for families to pool their money to get their sons and daughters hitched. Today, approximately 25 percent of weddings are paid for solely by the bride's parents, according to wedding industry estimates.
“I think that's a reflection of that $20,000 figure,” says Alan Fields. “It's just a lot of money.”
The Cinderella Dreams authors found little backlash to the lavish wedding during their four years of research. But they didn't meet Kansas City couple Jamillah Duckett and her husband, Quentin. They steered well away from the marketing and hype when it came to their 2004 wedding.
“My wedding was simple, intimate, elegant and romantic,” says Duckett, 29, whose wedding cost about $2,500. “I only had my sister stand up with me, and his brother stood up with him, and I would not change a thing about my day.”
Duckett thinks people have forgotten what a wedding is supposed to be.
“Spending your whole life savings makes for a dream wedding, but it's not the (blueprint) for a healthy marriage,” Duckett says.
“One of the main things for my husband and I is that we had to remember that this was our day, because everyone is going to give you their opinion of how they think your wedding should go and that, in itself, can be stressful,” Duckett says.
“Just remember the purpose and you'll be fine.”
I was in a wedding once that nearly drove me batty. It was the center of the universe for the bride's family and they were really into it.
They wanted the attendants to be matching pretty much down to our underwear. Like it would spoil the wedding if our bras were different. Ugh.
Sounds like your SIL came out on top, at least for the first year.
No, you're still in the hole 20K.
Our wedding cost $75--at the JP in Gatlinburg, TN in 1999. I was sick, and immediately after the wedding, I took a nap, and he watched the Women's Soccer Team win, and saw Brandi Chastain pull off her shirt. His applauding woke me up.
He's a romantic devil, that Mr. SoVa.
My wedding cost $20,000 and we only had 50 people.
All three, lol!
I'm with you gals... I was never a gal to sign up for the princess plan.
My wedding was about perfect :~D We had it at our beach house, and though there were extravagances (the float plane that picked us up) the money was spent on fun things. The biggest complaint I have about the princess weddings I've been to recently is that they are stuffy, and not any fun for the guests because they are so orchestrated and uptight!
I wanted for everyone who took the considerable trouble to come to our wedding to have a really good time. That was my primary goal, and I don't think some couples give that any thought at all! Too many weddings seem to be expensive backdrops for photographs of the bride.
I have just one word of advice..elope....put the money into an investment, you'll need it come divorce time...lol..
HA! especially if your matron of honor is a newlywed who wants to give you all her wedding planners and ettiquette books and wants to talk about little hand made party favors for all the guests! For the umpteenth time I DON'T WANT THEM AND NEITHER DO THE GUESTS!
Wasn't able to wear it much except just recently, though, cause I got too fat after child #4 was born! LOL! Well, 17 yrs. later and I'm finally able to wear it again, but usually only for dress up, which isn't very often.
No, you're not - you're $26,000 plus eleven years worth of interest ahead. :-) Even better.
Weddings are supposed to be symbolic & legal ceremonies, not status symbols. If I want a storybook wedding, I'll Photoshop one.
Oh and there is always someone who has a cousin who has a friend who knows a girl who has a neighbor whose sister in-law can sew and will make your bridesmaid dresses for next to nothing. ;-)
We share the same philosophy. :-) I want everyone to have fun, that's what counts! I was so miserable at the last wedding... I had to blow a couple hundred on a bridesmaid dress so tight that I couldn't eat much food... ugh.
$20K was the total expense for the whole ball of wax. Not what we paid out of pocket.
We ran a pretty good profit on the matter. And it is likely that the place we had the reception at lost money on us. Through a comedy of errors, and our guests ability to eat and drink massive amounts.
First, my wifes madien name is Glick. There was a reception at the same time in the adjoining ballroom where the brides madien name was Gluck. As one would expect, hotel reservations were all screwed up for many guests and rooms had to be given away for free and some at greatly reduced cost. Something we should have had they had and vis versa.
And our guests then proceeded to drink the place out of several liquors and beers and they were forced to go to a local liquor store and grocery store to replenish their supplies and because of this we got an additional hour of open bar. Not to mention we put a real hurtin on the buffet.
Several things also got screwed up on the honeymoon. From airline flights, to hotel rooms, to rental cars. We ended up getting free flights, cars, and rooms.
When all was said and done, we profited cash wise, and bagged a lot of free stuff.
I have had to buy 5 different taffetta or satin parade float gowns that always cost me a fortune and the bride always thought I might shorten and wear again. Phhooey. Stop pretending I'll wear it again. I know better.
My maid of honor wore an off the rack sundress that cost about $19. Mine for her wedding was $190 and has about 40 yards of fluff in it.
I'm not against big weddings if that's what the couple wants and they don't have to go poor for a few years to afford it. I'm all for having the type of wedding the couple wants with as little outside interference as possible.
It's an important day and the husband and wife should have no regrets about it.
Just curious what your main expense was for such a small guest list? Location?
That's right start out your life together mired in debt for a one day party.... to quote the Guiness commercials "BRILLIANT!". Morons.
I couldn't even sit down in the torture device corset I had to buy.
Tagline potential is high.
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