Posted on 03/30/2005 8:13:49 PM PST by paulat
March 27, 2005 MODERN LOVE Truly, Madly, Guiltily By AYELET WALDMAN
HAVE been in many mothers' groups - Mommy and Me, Gymboree, Second-Time Moms - and each time, within three minutes, the conversation invariably comes around to the topic of how often mommy feels compelled to put out. Everyone wants to be reassured that no one else is having sex either. These are women who, for the most part, are comfortable with their bodies, consider themselves sexual beings. These are women who love their husbands or partners. Still, almost none of them are having any sex.
There are agreed upon reasons for this bed death. They are exhausted. It still hurts. They are so physically available to their babies - nursing, carrying, stroking - how could they bear to be physically available to anyone else?
But the real reason for this lack of sex, or at least the most profound, is that the wife's passion has been refocused. Instead of concentrating her ardor on her husband, she concentrates it on her babies. Where once her husband was the center of her passionate universe, there is now a new sun in whose orbit she revolves. Libido, as she once knew it, is gone, and in its place is all-consuming maternal desire. There is absolute unanimity on this topic, and instant reassurance.
Except, that is, from me.
I am the only woman in Mommy and Me who seems to be, well, getting any. This could fill me with smug well-being. I could sit in the room and gloat over my wonderful marriage. I could think about how our sex life - always vital, even torrid - is more exciting and imaginative now than it was when we first met. I could check my watch to see if I have time to stop at Good Vibrations to see if they have any exciting new toys. I could even gaze pityingly at the other mothers in the group, wishing that they too could experience a love as deep as my own.
But I don't. I am far too busy worrying about what's wrong with me. Why, of all the women in the room, am I the only one who has not made the erotic transition a good mother is supposed to make? Why am I the only one incapable of placing her children at the center of her passionate universe?
WHEN my first daughter was born, my husband held her in his hands and said, "My God, she's so beautiful."
I unwrapped the baby from her blankets. She was average size, with long thin fingers and a random assortment of toes. Her eyes were close set, and she had her father's hooked nose. It looked better on him.
She looked like a newborn baby, red and scrawny, blotchy faced and mewling. I don't remember what I said to my husband. Actually I remember very little of my Percocet- and Vicodin-fogged first few days of motherhood except for someone calling and squealing, "Aren't you just completely in love?" And of course I was. Just not with my baby.
I do love her. But I'm not in love with her. Nor with her two brothers or sister. Yes, I have four children. Four children with whom I spend a good part of every day: bathing them, combing their hair, sitting with them while they do their homework, holding them while they weep their tragic tears. But I'm not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband.
It is his face that inspires in me paroxysms of infatuated devotion. If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children.
An example: I often engage in the parental pastime known as God Forbid. What if, God forbid, someone were to snatch one of my children? God forbid. I imagine what it would feel like to lose one or even all of them. I imagine myself consumed, destroyed by the pain. And yet, in these imaginings, there is always a future beyond the child's death. Because if I were to lose one of my children, God forbid, even if I lost all my children, God forbid, I would still have him, my husband.
But my imagination simply fails me when I try to picture a future beyond my husband's death. Of course I would have to live. I have four children, a mortgage, work to do. But I can imagine no joy without my husband.
I don't think the other mothers at Mommy and Me feel this way. I know they would be absolutely devastated if they found themselves widowed. But any one of them would sacrifice anything, including their husbands, for their children.
Can my bad motherhood be my husband's fault? Perhaps he just inspires more complete adoration than other husbands. He cooks, cleans, cares for the children at least 50 percent of the time.
If the most erotic form of foreplay to a mother of a small child is, as I've heard some women claim, loading the dishwasher or sweeping the floor, then he's a master of titillation.
He's handsome, brilliant and successful. But he can also be scatterbrained, antisocial and arrogant. He is a bad dancer, and he knows far too much about Klingon politics and the lyrics to Yes songs. All in all, he's not that much better than other men. The fault must be my own.
I am trying to remember those first days and weeks after giving birth. I know that my sexual longing for my husband took a while to return. I recall not wanting to make love. I did not even want to cuddle. At times I felt that if my husband's hand were to accidentally brush against my breast while reaching for the saltshaker, I would saw it off with the butter knife.
Even now I am not always in the mood. By the time the children go to bed, I am as drained as any mother who has spent her day working, car pooling, building Lego castles and shopping for the precisely correct soccer cleat. I am also a compulsive reader. Put together fatigue and bookwormishness, and you could have a situation in which nobody ever gets any. Except that when I catch a glimpse of my husband from the corner of my eye - his smooth, round shoulders, his bright-blue eyes through the magnification of his reading glasses - I fold over the page of my novel.
Sometimes I think I am alone in this obsession with my spouse. Sometimes I think my husband does not feel as I do. He loves the children the way a mother is supposed to. He has put them at the center of his world. But he is a man and thus possesses a strong libido. Having found something to usurp me as the sun of his universe does not mean he wants to make love to me any less.
And yet, he says I am wrong. He says he loves me as I love him. Every so often we escape from the children for a few days. We talk about our love, about how much we love each other's bodies and brains, about the things that make us happy in our marriage.
During the course of these meandering and exhilarating conversations, we touch each other, we start to make love, we stop.
And afterward my husband will say that we, he and I, are the core of what he cherishes, that the children are satellites, beloved but tangential.
He seems entirely unperturbed by loving me like this. Loving me more than his children does not bother him. It does not make him feel like a bad father. He does not feel that loving me more than he loves them is a kind of infidelity.
And neither, I suppose, should I. I should not use that wretched phrase "bad mother." At the very least, I should allow that, if nothing else, I am good enough. I do know this: When I look around the room at the other mothers in the group, I know that I would not change places with any of them.
I wish some learned sociologist would publish a definitive study of marriages where the parents are desperately, ardently in love, where the parents love each other even more than they love the children. It would be wonderful if it could be established, once and for all, that the children of these marriages are more successful, happier, live longer and have healthier lives than children whose mothers focus their desires and passions on them.
BUT even in the likely event that this study is not forthcoming, even in the event that I face a day of reckoning in which my children, God forbid, become heroin addicts or, God forbid, are unable to form decent attachments and wander from one miserable and unsatisfying relationship to another, or, God forbid, other things too awful even to imagine befall them, I cannot regret that when I look at my husband I still feel the same quickening of desire that I felt 12 years ago when I saw him for the first time, standing in the lobby of my apartment building, a bouquet of purple irises in his hands.
And if my children resent having been moons rather than the sun? If they berate me for not having loved them enough? If they call me a bad mother?
I will tell them that I wish for them a love like I have for their father. I will tell them that they are my children, and they deserve both to love and be loved like that. I will tell them to settle for nothing less than what they saw when they looked at me, looking at him.
Ayelet Waldman is the author of the novel "Daughter's Keeper." This essay is adapted from "Because I Said So: 33 Mothers Write About Children, Sex, Men, Aging, Faith, Race and Themselves" to be published by HarperCollins next month.
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I'm a guy, 40-something, married to the love of my life and my best buddy for almost 21 years. We've got a 19-year-old son, who is indeed the pride of our lives. But, I've got to tell you...as much as I love and have loved our son from the time he was born, I love his mom even more! She is truly the love of my life, and I'm pretty sure she'd say the same thing about me!
I'm also a pastor, and when I talk to couples who are planning to get married, I always, always tell them that their relationship with each other is the MOST IMPORTANT relationship next to their relationship with God. Always!
Call me crazy, I guess, but I'm saving this article on my home page!
...I wanted to hear what men thought about this....
I'm not really sure what the problem with this is, other than that it's in the NYT and it isn't anyone else's business.
But not all women go passionately crazy over kids, even if they do love their own.
And quite frankly, I don't think it hurts the kids one bit if Mommy is passionately in love with Daddy. I wish more mothers remembered that the family is based on the relationship between the husband and a wife. Why should that passion and level of caring change just because there are kids?
I have always looked forward to being a wife and having a husband I feel this way about. I never really wanted children although I think I'd be a good mother. But I'm rather introverted, independent thinking-type and can only nurture so many people. If I do have children I will love them, but my man is still gonna be the one for me.
Aw, I'm so touched. She loves her metrosexual boytoy like he's some kind of appliance. Nowhere in this entire self-absorbed panegyric does she mention one single thing that she does for him out of her great love and gratitude. It's all about what he does for HER, HER, HER.
What is she going to do when the kids grow up and move away, and he's a bald, wrinkled, potbellied old geezer with a weak weener who can't service her anymore? Is she going to buy herself a new one?
I have five kids.
I love God first, then my husband, then my kids.
But I love them all very differently.
The Love that I have for God is different than the love I have for my husband which is different than the love I have for my children.
I know that I am a good wife. Does that make me a bad mommy? I certianly don't think so.
I wonder why this author feels guilty about this.
"This can only be considered an improvement."
OK, I'll give you a solid 'maybe' on that!
I love God first, then my husband, then my kids. But I love them all very differently.
The Love that I have for God is different than the love I have for my husband which is different than the love I have for my children.
I know that I am a good wife. Does that make me a bad mommy? I certianly don't think so.
I wonder why this author feels guilty about this.
BING..BING...BING!!! I think we have a winner!!!!
You know, my late husband used to lament about how disposable men had become, what with a society that now encourages and celebrates single motherhood.
I'd be interested in hearing what the guys think about this as well. :-)
You mixed your metaphors.
Don't confuse "No soup for you"
with
"If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
Why thank you.
Our children came before my hubby and he knew it. Now that they are grown, (5 of them) and moved out. He comes first now. And they know it.
Is this what our society has come to? Are we really at the point where a major metropolitan newspaper prints a story about "putting out"? Are newspapers now considered "adult" entertainment? There was a day, not too long ago, when there were things that "couldn't be said in a family newspaper". It's no wonder circulation is dropping like a rock. The New York Times has taken the baton from "Penthouse Forum". Sad.
EXACTLY! And I quote: "I could check my watch to see if I have time to stop at Good Vibrations to see if they have any exciting new toys. "
You're crazy.
When my (ex)husband left...he took the kids. Kids are home with me now...(ex)husband is STILL gone...LIFE IS GOOD!!!!
Ex-husband is clearly an idiot.
He is married now to a real control freak...I guess the saying is true...you reap what you sow!! LOL
Couldn't have happened to a better man!!! :)
I am single and plan to stay that way til my youngest is 18 and my kids will not be able to be hurt by my bad choices in men!
I love my husband but I didn't realize how absolutely and deeply a human could love until my son. Wait till you have kids, and then tell me you love your spouse more!
My love for my child is so overwhelming that it brings me to tears sometimes. It has also brought me closer to God.
I have five kids.
I love my spouse more, in a different way.
I happen to agree with you. Here is how I see it. Your kids leave you when they are grown and they should, this is the way it works. If you put them first in your life then when they are gone you have nothing left.Lots of divorces occur because of this syndrome. Your spouse should be the main love of your life because they will be with you until you die, or they should be at any rate!
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