CU Board of Regents
Posted on 03/14/2005 8:04:35 AM PST by freespirited
Dear Tenured University of Colorado Faculty Member:
Are you tired of lecturing to kids more interested in cellphones than scholarship?
Did the last round of state budget cuts leave you with classes the size of a Sudanese refugee camp?
Worry no more.
As your board of regents contemplates paying your obnoxious colleague Ward Churchill hundreds of thousands of dollars to leave his CU job, Roasted Chickens Press announces its opening.
For a mere 15 percent of your settlement, the insult-happy crew at Roasted Chickens will create and publish works bearing your name that are guaranteed to offend as surely as Churchill's.
Our company takes its name from the subtitle of Churchill's controversial essay, "On the Justice of Roosting Chickens," and the CU regents' cowardly reaction to it. But we swear not to plagiarize or steal anyone's artwork.
At least by Ward Churchill's ever-so-loose definition.
Honestly, we at Roasted Chickens Press aren't copycats; we're copywriters. We don't need to call some civilian victims of the Sept. 11 World Trade Center attacks "little Eichmanns," as Churchill did.
World history offers an endless cast of despicable despots with whom to draw politically incorrect comparisons. From Pol Pot to Papa Doc, from Idi Amin to Osama, from Chairman Mao to Uncle Joe Stalin, butchers abound to meet our customers' unique needs.
So if a comfortable early retirement like the one Churchill may get appeals to you, be in touch.
We'll publish your name on an essay describing the fools in the Colorado legislature who gutted public college budgets as "heavy-handed Himmlers."
Or maybe you want to be rewarded for linking Laura Bush to Eva Braun.
Need a seven-figure settlement? You pick the politician; we'll liken his personal life to Jack the Ripper's.
Remember, if you're a tenured professor, you can't be fired for your speech.
Of course, as Churchill found, you can be investigated as if you topped the FBI's Most Wanted list. But if you can stonewall against your own skeletons, blushing regents may actually discuss rewarding you, courtesy of the taxpayers or perhaps the privately funded CU Foundation.
Any buyout for Churchill would skirt questions about how he got tenure or whether he lied about being part-Indian or if he copied a painting or printed the words of others. It also would not answer questions about First Amendment rights in academia or witch hunts sparked solely by offensive speech.
What it would create is an amazing economic opportunity for every tenured professor at the University of Colorado.
We at Roasted Chickens Press sit at word processors plumbing poor taste to make dreams come true.
If you've worked for CU for more than 20 years, as Churchill has, you know that between your state retirement and the annuity you could buy with a six-figure payoff, you can live decently without working another day.
That's an amazing deal just for talking smack. For a simple fee, we at Roasted Chickens Press can help you cut it.
Sure, if everyone had simply let Ward Churchill spew his venom, any sympathy for him would have vanished, and his 15 minutes of fame would have lasted 15 seconds. Once upon a time, he was a powerless leftover radical from the past.
But with Gov. Bill Owens calling for Churchill to be fired and guys like Republican Rep. David Balmer - who lied on his own résumé - threatening to pull funding for CU if Churchill remains on staff, a latter-day free speech demagogue was born.
And a legacy was created.
Professor, there's room for you on this gravy train. Just give Roasted Chickens Press a call at 800-BUYOUTS, and we'll put Colorado's meddling politicians and CU's spineless regents to work for you.
Operators are standing by.
Jim Spencer's column appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He can be reached at 303-820-1771 or jspencer@denverpost.com
Roasted Chickens Press bump
"Money for nothing and the chicks are free" alert
Funny stuff. The poor guy has no future in journalism though.
This wouldn't be so funny if it wasn't true!
Wonder if they've gotten any calls?
CU Board of Regents
THE BOIGRAPHY OF A BUM........
The life and times of Professor Ward Churchill
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