Posted on 02/21/2005 4:09:16 PM PST by ParsifalCA
The Perfect Madness of "Mommy Stress" ...And the Myth of "Having It All"... [Carol Platt Liebau] 2/21/05
In last week’s Newsweek, Judith Warner – author of the new book Perfect Madness – asserts that mothers today are uniquely “stressed out” and unhappy. This phenomenon causes her to ask,
[W]hy has this generation of mothers, arguably the most liberated and privileged group of women America has ever seen, driven themselves crazy in the quest for perfect mommy-dom?
It’s a fair question. After all, women raised children for years on the American frontier – and today, throughout much of the world – with much less diversion and many fewer conveniences than even the most underprivileged Americans enjoy today. And it’s not the most impoverished mothers who are complaining the loudest – it’s the upscale, the affluent, the suburbanites.
In apportioning blame, Warner often picks the wrong scapegoats – for instance, “our country’s lack of affordable, top-quality daycare” – but she does, eventually, stumble onto the roots of the problem that is afflicting many American mothers. She writes, “We became mothers, and found when we set out to ‘balance’ our lives . . . that there was no way to make this most basic of ‘balancing acts’ work.”
Yes, women have discovered that the feminist propaganda that they were fed as children in the ‘70’s and ‘80’s just isn’t true. It really isn’t possible to “have it all.” There is no way to work a demanding full-time job and be the primary figure in a small child’s life – or even be around enough to keep in meaningful touch with a busy teenager – and enjoy a normal domestic life, all at the same time. At some level, many stay-at-home mothers know this, and resent having been assured that all their hard work could pay off in the end with a stellar career and a well-functioning family. And at some level, most working women know it, too, and they feel terribly, terribly guilty about the choices they are making.
Along with the shared experience of being raised in an age where feminists promised young women the world, today’s moms were also the first generation to have to cope with widespread divorce – and their own mothers entering the workforce. Many of them grew up without the maternal attention that their own mothers had experienced as children. And so, if they know nothing else, they know that just being there for their children matters. That’s why some highly educated women will stay home, even though they prefer to work. And that’s why most working moms suffer tremendous guilt.
From all of this derives the new phenomenon of “mothering perfectionists.” Many stay-at-home moms are making that choice for their children’s benefit. They are determined to give that sacrifice meaning through superior mothering that validates their choice. Working moms become “mothering perfectionists” out of a sense that, even if a child is deprived of his mother most of the time, the lack of “mothering time” will be compensated for by superior “mothering quality.”
It goes without saying that there is no perfect answer to the “perfect mother” dilemma. But sometimes – especially during the few short years when children are little – maybe it isn’t supposed to be about the mommies. Perhaps if Judith Warner’s stressed out mommies could muster the maturity to accept the fact that no one can “do it all” and that sacrifices aren’t always easy, at least some of the ballyhooed “perfect mother” stress would, finally, dissipate like a malodorous mist. tOR
Columnist Carol Platt Liebau is a political analyst, commentator and theOneRepublic / CaliforniaRepublic.org editorial director based in San Marino, CA. Ms. Liebau also served as the first female managing editor of the Harvard Law Review.
I just wanted to throw up.
I hated when my mom went to work when I was around 10 years old. Life was never the same and then the parents divorced.
As much as I laugh at "The Cosby Show," it was interesting that somehow they never needed any nannies or baby sitters, despite a houseful of kids at all kinds of ages (who to one degree or another were pretty well-adjusted).
Somehow, Clair was able to be a professional Lawyer who almost never had to actually be in the office.
The fantasy was, no doubt, attractive.
It was also crap and not possible.
Men today are not encumbered with the responsability of manhood. Feminism in one or two generations have turned female sex into a simple commodity to be traded off at the man's whim. Men are not anchored by their obligation to have a family (and keep it). Men have in effect been infantilized by a steady stream of boob role models from hollywood no doubt part of their assault on the traditional family!) and a continuous assault by liberalism's continued attempt at the re-engineering of western man's constitution.
"They're all bitches and ho's" has become the mantra for young adolescent men (beginning with young black men but now affecting all corners of the demographic mosaic) who have been exhausting the reservoir of common descency and respect for the opposite sex that took thousands of years of nurturing.
One day we'll wake up to a world devoid of common descency and respect. These simple and noble words in an ever diminishing capacity are still the part of the anchors of what our civilization is made of.
The reservoir finally exhausted, if men cannot step-up and assume their responsability as fathers again, then we as a civilization will be cast aside by a more pure and primal creed:
Islamic Fascism!
My husband decided he did not want to support the family anymore and wanted me to work at least part time to help out so he could cut back. That was when we had four children under age 12.
I see a number of men failing and not valuing a family at home.
That is pretty bad and certainly un-manly.
Are you still with said husband? Or is there something here I am missing?
A few Nancy boys might be hiding behind that, but I think when it comes to it, Real Men get their testosterone on and Deal With It.
And you can't feminize that.
I am right where this woman is describing. Economically, I need to work, but it is killing me stress wise. I feel a slave to my job and competing with fathers who seem to not need as much time off for kids and also feeling guilty for not being at school functions or involved more in my children's lives. As the daughter of a working 'liberated' woman, I know how much you CAN feel love in a home with a working mom. I don't feel deprived from my childhood, but I was an only child. I have three.
At any rate, I am torn because I have also been left by my exhusband with no job, no car, no resources and this court system could care freaking less. So I feel that I cannot put myself in a position to be abandoned with nothing all over again. It was horrible living in the places I had to live until I could get on my feet.
So what's the answer? Men are so quick to blame women, but never seem to hold themselves accountable. Nice church going Deacons have left their families for some floosy they met on the internet. And many other situations. A woman has to work if she has no other income and the courts are not interested in making men responsible. I see how many woman abuse the system and gain child support to have manicures and support their dead beat boyfriends, but I also see men run off and leave their children to start new families and the mother is left to make do.
Not a perfect society we live in. But I am grateful that women still have the RIGHT to choose a career if they want and are not held back by discrimitory laws. And also have the opportunity to be able to afford to raise their kids on their own if need be.
>Good for you for doing the right thing and being a real mom >to your kids.
That is an ignorant statement. Mothers who work are REAL moms.
No, you face it, instead of spewing the party "anti-feminist" (but just as anti-male) line. Feminism is about the self-obsession of women, not men. And it has not "empowered" men, but disempowered and emasculated them. No doubt this will redound to the ultimate expense of women, but it is at the immediate expense of men.
Men today are not encumbered with the responsability of manhood. Feminism in one or two generations have turned female sex into a simple commodity to be traded off at the man's whim. Men are not anchored by their obligation to have a family (and keep it).
And just whose fault is that, exactly, when men can be ejected from their families on the whim of the woman? It's hypocritical to bemoan the loss of men's responsibilities when their rights have been taken away, unless you propose that something should be done about it.
"They're all bitches and ho's" has become the mantra for young adolescent men (beginning with young black men but now affecting all corners of the demographic mosaic) who have been exhausting the reservoir of common descency and respect for the opposite sex that took thousands of years of nurturing.
Hey, guess what? If the women of which they speak really are only "bitches and hos" then these men are just stating a fact. And, thanks to feminism, they are pretty much correct. If the opposite sex wants respect they must act in a respectful and decent manner.
The reservoir finally exhausted, if men cannot step-up and assume their responsability as fathers again, then we as a civilization will be cast aside by a more pure and primal creed.
Yes. So perhaps we ought to be paying more attention to the difficulties men and fathers face in our current climate, instead of bashing them at every turn.
It would be a lot easier if you could easier re-enter the workforce after taking a few years off to raise your kids. This is not well understood or appreciated in todays workforce.
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
I think this is a myth. It's really a matter of lifestyle (I don't use the word sacrafice because that implies giving something up and it's really a conscious CHOICE that has more to do with personal values and priorities). I'm not talking about single parents here, although I know single parents who find jobs or businesses they can work around their kids school schedule and some who even homeschool. We aren't rich and neither are most of our friends. During most of my kids' growing up we'd probably be considered lower middle class. For most of their childhood we lived in a crappy little house with a gigantic yard (boys need room to run off all that energy)...even so we could barely scrape together enough for the down payment. But it was cozy and it was ours and they never had to know what it was like to play with a Nintendo instead of a mommy or spend their time at daycare with 30 other kids who didn't want to be there anymore than they did.
Play clothes came from thrift stores and most of the time we only had one car. But really, our lives, ALL OUR LIVES, not just our boys, were less stressful than most of our neighbors who both worked and were constantly having to coordinate schedules for work, daycare and their kids' activities. Peace, contentment and closeness are more than adequate trade-offs for the things we couldn't buy. My 6' tall 20 year old has a black belt in Karate and would rather be hunting than practically anything else, lives at home while he's going to college and he still gives me hugs and kisses and says prayers with me before he goes to bed and still holds my hand in the parking lot while we're walking into a store like he did when he was young (I joke with him that in this day and age, people are going to get the wrong idea...he says he could care less what other people think).
This same son, who has had to deal with his first real rabid feminists...they teach at his school...and I were talking about this last night. It's not that he doesn't know any strong, independent women, since we homeschooled he knows plenty of them. However, these women he just doesn't get. He thinks they've become exactly what they were supposed to be fightning against. They feel like they've been put down, "victimized" by men their whole lives, but they spend most of their time putting down men. If women are supposed to be "better" you'd think they wouldn't resort to the same tactics they accuse their "oppressors" of using. He also said he thinks they don't want real "equality", they really want to be better than or above men. He thought it was ironic that they are trying to become exactly what they hate.
No, no longer.
Today my kids were not in school because of a vacation day. I worked with them this morning on homework and chores, then took them to the Y for a swim. We went to a restaurant for lunch. I walked in and saw some peopel I used to teach with before I quit to raise my children. They were on a lunch break from an inservice day. I was so happy I wasn't with them today! I remember inservice days as colossal wastes of time. I got to spend the entire day with my three kids instead of listening to experts lecturing me how to interact with other people's children.
I am grateful everyday that I have a great husband who understands how important being home for the kids is and that his job affords us this luxury.
Amen!
My cousin started teaching 5 years ago. She described her first class of second graders to me and a quarter of them were being medicated for ADD or ADHD! I asked her if she thought something was weird about that and she didn't!
So often we expect children to be little adults and when they don't sometimes we look for something wrong in the child instead of what is wrong with what we are asking them to do.
You have my utmost respect. Raising your children alone is one of the most difficult and rewarding things a woman can do.
Did I have to work? Yes, I did. The Lord has truly blessed me in that from the earliest age of my first son, I was able to be self employed. Now I take the kids to work because I own the office. We homeschool weekends, evenings and during the day. I still feel envious of the moms who take the kids to swimming, music, and French classes, but I will say that my kids are personable, can answer the phone politely, and know their way around a courthouse. There is always something better, I know, but the education I was blessed to have has really helped the whole family.
I wish I could say "good" but mostly I can say "I am sorry."
But good for your for making the clear choice.
My Mom, God rest her tired soul, raised 7 kids as a "single Mom." Dad did the same thing your xh did and pretty much skipped out. She wasn't single by design, but that's what happened.
WHILE she raised the 7 of us (and I was the worst), she went to school, got an accounting degree, got a job, GOT OFF WELFARE (which we were on for only not that many years).
She gave us HER values, which I am proud to carry forward.
Please don't die young like my Mom (in her 60's, because she smoked and was too tired to muster the ability to quit). Hang in there and remember your legacy is your values.
>You have my utmost respect. Raising your children alone is >one of the most difficult and rewarding things a woman can >do.
Thank you very much. I have been blessed with a wonderful man in the last couple of years, who unfortunatly doesn't make enough to support my kids and his. He also raised his boys alone for six years before we met and he knows what it's like to struggle. Maybe one day one of us can make enough for one to stay home. I think it's just as good for a dad to be stay at home. I know his boys give him a "Mother's Day" card and have for years. They said he was mother and father so he got one for each holiday, LOL. I love those guys.
It was hard for those years. I was in the ghetto (literally) and begged for a buy here pay here car, eventually moved out in a rental house and worked long enough buy my own home. I felt like "That girl", wanted to throw my hat in the air the day I walked out of that closing with MY name and my name only on that deed.
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