Posted on 02/21/2005 4:09:16 PM PST by ParsifalCA
The Perfect Madness of "Mommy Stress" ...And the Myth of "Having It All"... [Carol Platt Liebau] 2/21/05
In last week’s Newsweek, Judith Warner – author of the new book Perfect Madness – asserts that mothers today are uniquely “stressed out” and unhappy. This phenomenon causes her to ask,
[W]hy has this generation of mothers, arguably the most liberated and privileged group of women America has ever seen, driven themselves crazy in the quest for perfect mommy-dom?
It’s a fair question. After all, women raised children for years on the American frontier – and today, throughout much of the world – with much less diversion and many fewer conveniences than even the most underprivileged Americans enjoy today. And it’s not the most impoverished mothers who are complaining the loudest – it’s the upscale, the affluent, the suburbanites.
In apportioning blame, Warner often picks the wrong scapegoats – for instance, “our country’s lack of affordable, top-quality daycare” – but she does, eventually, stumble onto the roots of the problem that is afflicting many American mothers. She writes, “We became mothers, and found when we set out to ‘balance’ our lives . . . that there was no way to make this most basic of ‘balancing acts’ work.”
Yes, women have discovered that the feminist propaganda that they were fed as children in the ‘70’s and ‘80’s just isn’t true. It really isn’t possible to “have it all.” There is no way to work a demanding full-time job and be the primary figure in a small child’s life – or even be around enough to keep in meaningful touch with a busy teenager – and enjoy a normal domestic life, all at the same time. At some level, many stay-at-home mothers know this, and resent having been assured that all their hard work could pay off in the end with a stellar career and a well-functioning family. And at some level, most working women know it, too, and they feel terribly, terribly guilty about the choices they are making.
Along with the shared experience of being raised in an age where feminists promised young women the world, today’s moms were also the first generation to have to cope with widespread divorce – and their own mothers entering the workforce. Many of them grew up without the maternal attention that their own mothers had experienced as children. And so, if they know nothing else, they know that just being there for their children matters. That’s why some highly educated women will stay home, even though they prefer to work. And that’s why most working moms suffer tremendous guilt.
From all of this derives the new phenomenon of “mothering perfectionists.” Many stay-at-home moms are making that choice for their children’s benefit. They are determined to give that sacrifice meaning through superior mothering that validates their choice. Working moms become “mothering perfectionists” out of a sense that, even if a child is deprived of his mother most of the time, the lack of “mothering time” will be compensated for by superior “mothering quality.”
It goes without saying that there is no perfect answer to the “perfect mother” dilemma. But sometimes – especially during the few short years when children are little – maybe it isn’t supposed to be about the mommies. Perhaps if Judith Warner’s stressed out mommies could muster the maturity to accept the fact that no one can “do it all” and that sacrifices aren’t always easy, at least some of the ballyhooed “perfect mother” stress would, finally, dissipate like a malodorous mist. tOR
Columnist Carol Platt Liebau is a political analyst, commentator and theOneRepublic / CaliforniaRepublic.org editorial director based in San Marino, CA. Ms. Liebau also served as the first female managing editor of the Harvard Law Review.
I read the article in Newsweek and thank God that I raised my kids when it was "easy".
If I had to keep up with the ridiculous schedules that kids are forced into today I would be a total basketcase.
No wonder there is so much ADD and ADHD----the kids don't have time to just mellow out,dream,imagine, and relax.
Great article.
Shameful that they should expect to be the perfect mom! Just chill out and have fun.
Back in the old days "mommies" had many duties, washing in the wringer washer or tub, getting the eggs, cooking from basic materials. I truly believethe one's that are homeschooling, cooking, quilting, canning have very enjoyable existances. I think the one's with problems are the ones who try to look good and take their kids to soccor, ballet, have spotless houses. They aren't mommies, they just want to show the world how good they are. Being a mommy isn't glamorous as many of todays sububanites think.
Further, no way in 2005 that junior goes to school on his skateboard or rides a bike like the old days...he is liable to be kidnapped or molested. No siree, it has to be door-to-door, safe and protected mom's SUV service, to and from the school, day in and day out...(not to mention shuttling to all other events)...when in the old days kids just made their way around town on their own. No shortage of liberated American women have also found the "freedom" of divorce, putting little patience into the marraige and bugging out w/ that quick fix at the slightest marital problem... only to be saddled alone later with all the kid-raising without the absent fathers present. It's sad how America in many was has become.
What is ironic is that rags like Newsweek are largely responsible for creating that very myth.
I guess they don't count somehow, since they made an effort in life and have certain horrible values, like loving their children...
I don't find it selfish at all to choose to not have a family. I think it shows that you put a lot of thought into a huge life decision!
Hahahaha! I like it! Whether on purpose or not. Just say it out loud. Hahahaha!
BTW, this "problem" is, of course, Bush's fault.
FMCDH(BITS)
IMHO, the reason so many children (including my now college-aged son) have been diagnosed with this so-called disorder is that over-stressed schools and homes absolutely require kids to stay focussed on a series of changing tasks. Failure to do so may result in visits with teachers, administrators, nurses, doctors, and psychologists and often as not a recommendation to medicate so that little Timmy can "stay on task".
My son and I have very similar cognitive and learning styles, but I had the advantage of growing up in a very small town with small schools and plenty of time in the day to just head out the door and play/walk/daydream until dinner time. Difficult to be diagnosed with "ADD" if there are only birds and dogs around to assess whether or not you "suffer" from an inability to pay attention in the prescribed manner.
Thank you!
"You should hear the ridicule I get, even from my own sister for choosing to be a mother who stays home."
How cruel. She must be a very unhappy person. Good for you for doing the right thing and being a real mom to your kids.
Kudos to you!! That's the way I would have wanted to do it, but knew I couldn't. I'm happy you were able to.
The problem as I see it is that motherhood is not supposed to be a "sacrifice". It is the highest calling bestowed upon women by Him. It is their God given ability and nature to bear and nurture children that is His gift. The feminist (satan driven bowel) movement is what has driven women to cast aside their rightful and most honorable place on His earth.
This is my opinion and I'm sticking to it.
FMCDH(BITS)
FMCDH(BITS)
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.