Capt. Pissgums and his Perverted Pirates vs the Dykes!!!
Pathos on the high seas... below decks on his ship the Quivering Thigh.
Posted on 02/19/2005 5:36:14 PM PST by quidnunc
If you thought the Navy uniforms looked 'spiffy' now; just wait until the Navy get's the full 'make-over'. Battleship Grey will be out; replaced with Seafoam greens and lilac blues. One can only guess how the subs will be re-designed.
You remember way back in 1993 when Clinton tried his "gays in the military" wheeze? Same story. It's no more the end of the Royal Navy than Clinton was the end of the US Navy.
Regards, Ivan
Dang! Where are Gilbert and Sullivan when you need them?
How do they spell sucksess?
"The cabin boy, the cabin boy, the naughty little nipper, shoved broken glass ..." from the ballad of Barnacle Bill the sailor.
The rest would get me banned!
It's 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar.
To start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich.
But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform.
This incident inspired some wag to pen the following.
How Nelson would have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship,HMS Appeasement.
"Order the signal, Hardy." "Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on,Hardy, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?" "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.
"What gobbledegook is this?Hardy"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"Sorry Sir,This is a no wake zone.I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"OSHA have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy installing a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"ADA sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of those words. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. OSHA won't let the crew up the rigging without helmets and sun lotion with a PF of at least 60. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the CDC commercials?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of ACLU lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No,sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be suspended and subject to disciplinary action."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - OSHA. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged,sir."
"In that case - kiss me Hardy."
Tell me this is parody...please even if it isn't. I'm afraid to click on the link and see it's not.
Does EVERYTHING in this world have to be about fudegepacking???
Whar's me cabin boy?
T.S. Eliot penned this little piece about 100 years ago:
As we were putting out to sea,
We spied a German warship,
The Captain paced the quarter-deck,
Parading, in his corset.
"What ho!" we cried, "we'll sink your ship!"
And so we up and sinked her,
But the cabin-boy was saved alive,
And buggered, in the sphincter.
Capt. Pissgums and his Perverted Pirates vs the Dykes!!!
Pathos on the high seas... below decks on his ship the Quivering Thigh.
If my poor memory about history is any clue, I think there was a Britis ship captain infamous/famous for insisting that all his shipmates double bunk--ordered it. I think he also had a barrel of lard set-up with various sized holes drilled at various heights.
Doesn't sound like they've learned a lot in the centuries since.
And soon, we'll see the newest novel of the Royal Navy of the 21st Century, "Horatio Hornblower and Roger the Cabin Boy..."
}:-)4
Good times aboard The HMS Raging Queen
When Churchill tried to reform the Royal Navy in WWI he was countered with: "But Sir think of the traditions"
Churchill's reply:
"The traditions of the Royal Navy are Rum, Sodomy and the Lash."
This is EXACTLY what the Clinton Administration wanted for our military all along.
First, feminization, then open homosexuals.
The Royal Navy will have a totally different meaning to "Rear Admiral" !
Life imitates art; in this case, Cheech & Chong's "Buggery on the High Seas".
"Dang! Where are Gilbert and Sullivan when you need them?"
Oh to see their take on this development.
The phrase "Polishing knobs in the Queen's Navy" just will never be the same.
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