Posted on 02/18/2005 10:27:37 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
My daughter sent me this... I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
"Well, St. Peter, I was riding my exercycle on the balcony of my apartment when something happened and the resistance belt got caught in the flywheel. Before I knew it I was catapaulted over the railing and falling the five floors down. Somehow I managed to catch hold of the balcony on the third floor. I was saying a prayer of thanks when some maniac starts punding on my hands and cursing at me. Eventually I was forced to let go. But I landed on an awning and survived. I was backing away from the building when a freezer comes flying out of the third floor window and crushes me, and, well, here I am."
The second one is a bit of a body-builder. St. Peter says, "What's your story?"
"Well, St. Peter, I was pretty sure my wife was cheating on me so I surprised her one lunch by coming into the apartment unanounced. Well, she was naked on the bed but I couldn't see a man anywhere. I searched the entire apartment and I couldn't find nobody. It's then that I notice somebody hanging on the railing of my balcony so I start swearing at him and banging on his fingers. He falls, but he survives by landing on an awning. I'm just as mad as ... er ... mad as anything so I look around for something to throw at the son-of-a- ... excuse me ... cheating b ... er ... person but all I see is this stand-up freezer we have so I throw it out at him. I hit him, too, but I guess the effort gave me a heart attack. I had a serious pain in my chest and then, bam, here I am."
St. Peter turns to the third man and says, "You?"
"OK, Picture this. Here I am standing naked in this freezer..."
Shalom.
check it out
Saholm.
Ooooh, I got a new tag line
Bump fer later
Os, eht yorollarc doulw eb fi eht tirsf dna tasl setterl eerw gronw ti doulw eb enreadablu?
Thanks (-:
Os, eht yorollarc doulw eb fi eht tirsf dna tasl setterl eerw gronw ti doulw eb enreadablu?
Not if you have Dyslexia. LOL
That is a riot! Must really send auto spell-check into a tailspin.
LOL, is that your's FA
Aww, man! None of my jokes are fit for the forum!
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr!*ks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being srceewd. Darn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."
You forgot:
47. Never eat at a place named "Mom's".
48. Never play cards with a man called "Doc".
I'm not so sure about the wisdom of # 46, however - both of those can send you to the hospital (or jail)...
ROTFLMAO!!!
By the way, FA, I wanted to say that I saw this earlier and sent your jokes to my sister. Thanks for posting them. :)
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad
day, and you just need to take it out on someone -
don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I had forgotten to make. I found the number,
and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely
said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
He replied "Wrong number a$$hole" and the phone was
slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called
her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her
phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided
to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy
answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and I hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$$hole'
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every
couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It
always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling
to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled,
"NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're an a$$hole!"
So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting
ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a
black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the
first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I
thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I
dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this
the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a
yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an a$$hole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two
a$$holes to call.
But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't
as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an
idea: I called A$$hole #1. "Hello?"
"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you? " he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, A$$hole, a yellow
house with my black BMW parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you
had better start saying your prayers. "
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."
Then I called a$$hole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello A$$hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance!
I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and I
was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war
going down on West 34th Street I quickly got into my
car and headed over to 34th St.
There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of
each other in front of six squad cars, a police
helicopter, and a TV news crew.
Now, I feel better... Masquerading as a normal person, day after day,
is exhausting.
TGIF bump
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