Planned Abortion-hood's 'Marketing Strategy'

Multiple ^ | Dustin Hawkins

[Dustin Hawkins]

In what would be a day of reflection for feminists everywhere, Planned Abortion-hood saw its leader set off for greater things. Gloria Feldt, who helped shape the organization into the mean green killing machine it is today, has left the multi-million dollar a year “non-profit” for bigger and better things. We just hope those plans don’t include starting “Planned Retirement-hood.” Oh, you are 80 now are you? Do you mind if I stick this needle here? Sorry we were 8 decades late.

Feldt, who helped popularize ‘death by vacuum’ is well on her way to becoming a feminist legend. On John Kerry, failed presidential candidate (and failed human being in general), she said he “ceded the moral ground to the other side.” He didn’t have to cede the moral ground insofar as “the other side” already had it and never lost it. But what Feldt helped create was so much more interesting than mere infanticide. Indeed, with abortion sales for Planned Abortion-hood in excess of 250,000 a year (new slogan: We’re #1), her strategy for marketing a product and running a successful organization should be commended.

But how did she do it? It’s easy with a 5-step plan.

Step one: Know whom your marketing to. Under her wise leadership, the proponents of life began marketing to… kids! Indeed, a website called TeenWire is there to answer every twelve year olds questions on how to “do it right” and to help with all the many ways in which to “do it.” The site, which uses the color scheme of the kids network Nickelodeon, is marketing sex more impressively than Super Bowl ads market beer. My personal favorite section: “The Condom Talk.”

Step two: Offer “protection.” Nothing says abstinence like: “Hey don’t forget your free Honeydew scented condom!” To be sure, the Squadron of Death offers a free assortment of pretty colored condoms. The only problem, according to a February 2005 Consumer Reports study, is that these condoms rank dead last in a strength-rating test. (New slogan: Free Condoms… See You in 6-8 Weeks).

Step three: Oppose sonograms. After the powder blue freebie breaks, make sure that the opposition is not allowed to speak with the pregnant woman/girl. In this case, the opposition may be clinics that offer free sonograms. Apparently, when a woman sees her living child inside of her, she is less likely to decide to detach its brains from its skull. This is, of course, evil. After all, these centers let you know there are alternatives, like adoption. A spokesperson for Planned Parenthood - it’s almost as amusing a name as: People for the American Way – said this about the “fanatical anti-abortion crowd”: "From the time they walk in to these centers, they are inundated with information that is propaganda and that has one goal in mind. And that is to have women continue with their pregnancies." No, say it isn’t so!

Step four: Perform abortion. After giving out handy advice, condoms that break, and silencing the opposition (although not like in the “pre-human” phase as they are accustomed to), it is now time for them to do what they do best: Abort! In this, the organization is at its best. Under the leadership of Feldt, Planned It’s-Not-A-Baby-Hood grew out of the financial hole it was in and began ruining lives in historic proportions.

Step five: Sell t-shirt. Now that the moneymaker has nabbed its client and killed her “cluster of cells,” it’s time to tack on that last buck or two. Hey, sell an “I Had an Abortion” t-shirt! Inasmuch as they claim abortions are only “necessary” because of incest and rape (apparently, more than a million instances a year!), it may be a little harsh. If that’s the case, just buy the teen-friendly “Kiss Me: I’m Pro-Choice” t-shirt. (New Slogan: Coming to a High School Near You.)

[Blood of Tyrants]

"From the time they walk in to these centers, they are inundated with information that is propaganda and that has one goal in mind. And that is to have women continue with their pregnancies."

And they actually believe that this is BAD for some reason.

[JoeFromSidney]

Just remember, the abortionists missed you, but the euthanasists are still trying.