Hogs and Kisses from Teddy

Hogs and Kisses from Teddy

January 20, 2005

The first time I realized that people like Teddy Kennedy were, at best, amusing minstrels and, at worst, self-serving class warfare elitists was my Freshman year in college. As I uploaded a few meager possessions from my very used Chevy into my very new dormitory room, I came upon a very curious fellow sipping a Bass Ale with a technique that would eventually give him a repetitive motion injury and staring at the flat tire on his new BMW.

With my nonchalant New England practicality, I introduced myself and asked if he would like some help putting the spare tire on. Malcolm (as I learned from his lock-jawed reply) informed me that, “This is a very expensive imported BMW and I have called a repair mechanic.” “Hey Malcolm,” I told him, “This is a flat tire and no big deal. We’ll have that spare on in a minute and then you can take the flat for a patch.”

A laughing Malcolm handed me a Bass and explained that, “BMW’s are made for people like us to drive and people like mechanics to fix.” “Come on,” he invited, “Let’s sit down and watch the mechanic sweat while he repairs my BMW. It will be a hoot.” “Yeah, whatever,” I replied as I went back to unloading my car. As I walked away, I felt like Nick Carraway after his first encounter with Tom Buchanan.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that the “Malcolm’s” of this world were C-students from renowned boarding schools who viewed their presence in a prestigious university as a right of passage...an entitlement similar to their trust funds. The “Me’s” of this world came from unknown high schools and were proud of the hard work we did to earn the privilege of paying for a great education. I wonder if Teddy has any cousins named Malcolm?

And speaking of Teddy.... In another fusillade from his over-soused brain, the murderer from Massachusetts made it clear that he has no vision beyond the pandering of a trust fund bon vivant. In his speech before the National Press Club, A Democratic Blueprint For America, Kennedy sounded like Louis XVI placing a foie gras order on his way to the guillotine. I always wondered about the outcome when surrealism, stupidity and arrogance collide.

While accusing the Bush administration of exploiting “the politics of fear and division”, Kennedy ran in circles like Chicken Little screaming “The sky is falling”. I’m surprised he didn’t accuse the President of being a Nazi when Kennedy warned that W intended to pursue “reactionary measures like privatizing Social Security, redistributing the tax burden in the wrong direction, or packing the federal courts with reactionary judges.” This would leave one believing that Kennedy wants to: (1) Continue robbing the Social Security Trust Fund blind; (2) Protect his family’s trust funds from inheritance taxes; and (3) Assure that the courts will continue to discover unwritten “rights” like gay marriage and infanticide in the Constitution.

With the same mouth that issued the words “Mary Jo who”, Kennedy comforted his audience with the assurance that Democratic “...values have moved us closer to the ideal with which America began - that all people are created equal.” He failed to mention that Democrats stray from equality for all when it comes to paying taxes, obeying the law, gaining college admission or any number of everyday inequities created by progressive, affirmative or preferential liberal stratifications.

Kennedy’s speech was so laced with ignorance of basic economics that, for a moment, I almost forgot that Teddy was tossed out of Harvard for cheating on a Spanish exam (as opposed to Econ 101). It’s little wonder that a trust fund brat like Teddy thinks that every problem can be solved by digging into infinitely deep pockets for wads of funny money.

Perhaps Kennedy’s most glaring omission of intelligence came with his proposal “...that as a 40th birthday gift to the American people, we expand Medicare over the next decade to cover every citizen - from birth to the end of life.” Has Teddy ever bothered to read the Social Security and Medicare Boards of Trustees’ A SUMMARY OF THE 2004 ANNUAL REPORTS? Has Teddy ever bothered to read?

From the report, the Trustees conclude that, “Medicare's financial difficulties come sooner--and are much more severe--than those confronting Social Security.” More to the point, the Trustees find that the Hospital Insurance Trust Fund component of Medicare will be broke by 2012. In keeping with Teddy’s desire that “...We should encourage many more students to pursue advanced degrees in math”, I have done the math and, for all practical purposes, Medicare will be insolvent in 7 years without (again from the Trustees report) “an immediate 108 percent increase in program income or an immediate 48 percent reduction in program outlays”.

When Kennedy pledges that “...it will free all Americans from the fear of crippling medical expenses and enable them to seek the best possible care when illness strikes”, he fails to mention that, like all government giveaways, there is no free lunch. Somebody has to pay for this program and by traditional Democratic standards...their mouths will say to tax the rich while their hands will be reaching deeper into the pockets of all taxpayers.

In analyzing the British and Canadian universal healthcare systems, former Health Care Policy Analyst at The Heritage Foundation, James Frogue, concluded that “In Canada and Britain, access to treatment is far from guaranteed, care is rationed by government bureaucrats, the rich and well-connected receive better care, fed-up doctors flee the system, and patients are left to suffer.” Wouldn’t it be nice if access to healthcare became yet another pound of patronage in the political pork barrel?

It is impossible for Kennedy to understand the lives of average taxpaying Americans because he has never been one. His entire life has been devoted to manipulating scotch bottles, women and the political process. The man can’t even be trusted to drive a car. His latest inspirations are nothing more than hogwash and pork that would increase the dependence of already overtaxed Americans on the conditional largesse of idiotic and self-serving beltway boobs.

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