UK taking back USA. NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

by e-mail | some time ago | Basil Fawlty (or John Cleese)

[anotherview]

Subject: UK taking back USA
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
by Basil Fawlty (or John Cleese)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
   
   > Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
   
   You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
   
   Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
   
   There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
   
   While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. 6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

   
   
   Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
   
   You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
   
   Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
   
   All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
    
    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."
    
    The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly US$6/gallon - get used to it).

14. 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

[asp1]

No my city friend, I am just sick and tired of all of the criticism, put downs, and sarcasm that come from Europe. Sick and tired of the hate that flows to my country, my people, and my president from that soon to be third-world cesspool called Europe.

P. S. I was born in Brooklyn and grew up in Queens. Nothing too soft here. LOL! :o)

[steplock]

any such action would simply merit instant death to the perpetrator.

[IronJack]

I guess by Great Britain I meant the nations of the Commonwealth. Frankly, I've felt for years that we should simply annex Canada and use it for cold storage anyway. And Australia looks like a fun place to hang out during North American winters.

I suspect the Scots, Irish, and Welsh might have some misgivings about tossing in with the English this time around.

[asp1]

That reminds me I have an appointment for the 25th. Thanks for the reminder! :o)

[Billthedrill]

OKOKOK, I'll go salvage your dang tea. You can keep Boston, though. Except for the "rounders" team.

[anonymoussierra]

I do not know that is good what you write that is like write my country Poland do not know what is light :}} America good country know what is good what is not good I do know what you write I do not know why Thank you

[ABG(anybody but Gore)]

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

Hear, hear! Both of those shows were absolutely hysterical, while the Hollywood version of "Men Behaving Badly" was atrocious. Another one that was disastrously redone was "Coupling". The BBC version is pretty funny. NBC's knockoff was canceled after two episodes it was so bad.

And God forbid they should try and redo "Red Dwarf"! That's the day we should nuke Hollyweird and be done with it. ;^)

[RinaseaofDs]

It is funny.

The brits really can't cook. I agree with Mike Myers that all Scotish cuisine seems based on a dare.

I'll also point out that the airplane, the phone, the light bulb, the transistor, the sewing machine, the assembly line, and the car were all products of us stupid gits.

I'll give up football if they can justify multiple 8 hour days spent at a cricket test. Grown men protecting tinker toys with a flat bat, and other lazy sods drunk in what little summer sunlight the UK actually gets puking in appreciation.

We may like fast food, and we may have small vocabularies, but something we don't have here that they have there:

Soccer hooligans.

Soccer, a game where 0-0 ties are considered classic.

Alas, I do feel despite our differences a kinship with our yellow-toothed fore fathers from across the pond, and so I loudly grumble my approval of them from the back bench during the question period.

[Uncle Fud]

4 and 14 sound like pretty good ideas to me.

[trisham]

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

********************

I recall with fondness the days when I thought John Cleese to be amusing.

[Gucho]

"To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today."

Easy to answer - "BITE ME TURKEY"

[TASMANIANRED]

Notice to John Cleese and all the rest of the Euroweenies.

We didn't ask permission.

[Plutarch]

This is comedy. I'm beginning to think American conservatives can't take a joke.

I like Cleese. This is funny stuff. He singes, but doesn't burn.

[Codename - Ron Benjamin]

Of course you realize, this means war...

[Dog Gone]

It's reasonably amusing, but I imagine it was intended for a British email audience.

[spodefly]

As long as we don't have to start eating British 'food'.

[mhking]

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

[Porterville]

How gay. What a very Euro-pu$$y thing to write.

[Grut]

Couldn't find anything about this specifically in snopes.com but they do say that a similar message attributed to John Cleese was a hoax and that he doesn't write political satire. So this is probably an internet hoax.