Retirement With a Grin

1/12/05 | Self

[zerosix]

As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes are.

Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.

After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

[zerosix]

Room service and free shampoo, sounds good to me.

[AppyPappy]

I used to work in a motel. You can get really good rates on monthly stays.

Then you can save the money for medical care which will last you about a day in the hospital.

[cynicom]

If the gubmint reads this they will pass a law that medicare does not pay if you are not in a registered "Old Fools Home".

[trustandobey]

LOL! I've had the same thought, only I wouldn't mind doing it right now, just think no more housework! High speed internet and Free Republic all day long.

[bullseye1911]

Better hope you stay healthy. You have a stroke, you couldn't tip enough to get maid to change your diaper.

[End Times Sentinel]

I like your way of thinkin'!  I would suggest a little more than five ones a day in tips, but you're on the right track.

Me, I'd hire a prostitute to come by and feed me booze from the mini bar until I expired, but we all have different goals in life.

Owl_Eagle

”Guns Before Butter.”

[DannyTN]

At $40x30=$1200 a month. That's not a bad rent, especially considering maid service is included.

But it's not fair to compare it to a nursing home, because there is no nursing care.

Of course, if you have medicare, a qualifying diagnosis and a doctor's approval, you can get a nurse to come by and check on you a couple of times a week.

[zerosix]

Gosh, I totally forgot about no housework, laundry and cooking. I'll check on early retirement this afternoon.

[robomurph]

Yes, but they have lousy towels...

Seriously, I currently spend most of my time in a corporate apartment at about $32 a day. They provide everything: furniture, linen, towels, maid service, cups, plates, silverware, microwave, 2 TVs, 2 VCRs, DVD, ministereo, pool, workout room, film library and BBQ area. Not a bad way to live!

[Fierce Allegiance]

Who is going to wipe your butt when you become incapable?

[pageonetoo]

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I'd rather be cruzin...

[Gondring]

Without medical care, you should be comparing to "assisted living" and not "nursing home," but it's true that there are nursing cruise-ship proposals.

[Froggie]

My plan is simpler....at age 80 or whenever I'm getting feeble.....rob a bank with a toy pistol....no harm intended...plead guilty....federal offense...off to a federal "correctional" facility...good food, accomodations, medical care, activities....and best of all paid for by the taxpayers !!!

[knarf]

This thread MUST continue !
I need all the ideas I can get.

I'm a classic screw-up ... bad decisions in the past, job changes ... no substantial 401K left, and I'm 56.

[highflight]

Better yet is the cruise ship option - I learned from the crew (on a recent Caribbean cruise) that a retired woman stays on board ship for a year - taking daily excursions as desired. Food, medical care, entertainment and laundry all inclusive.

Probably a little more expensive up front than the Holiday Inn - but another choice.

[plangent]

That's the ticket. And with a little extra tipping
Housekeeping will change your diapers.

[Salvation]

**With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.**

**For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.**

Sounds good to me, too!

[Salvation]

Only they will have to have Fox News Channel. I won't watch CNN!

[Atlas Sneezed]

Hate to rain on your parade, but this email has been circulating widely, and was unlikely to have been written buy the poster.

Google "Holiday Inn retirement" for a multitude of examples of it on the web.

[penowa]

When I had a hospital stay away from my home in the late '70's and my husband spent a lot of time at the Holiday Inn to be near, this idea occurred to me when I saw the hospital bill and the credit card charges for his stay. Since it was 25 yrs. ago, I can't remember the numbers, but I figured that outside of the first 2 days when I had surgery I would have fared just as well or better if I had been at the Holiday Inn too.