Posted on 12/17/2004 9:25:01 AM PST by John Robertson
My wife and I just got word from my daughter's college that we will be shocked when we see her tonight, when she gets home for Christmas break. We were fairly shocked at Thanksgiving, at the weight she'd dropped. Her personality is off, she has lost her sense of humor, has mood swings, her menstruation has stopped, she can barely sleep. She's eating, but not much. A few granola bars a day, and water. She is not skeletal, certainly, but way too thin, and her "spark" is gone. She may or may not be taking some vitamin supplements we got her. Though she is not officially diagnosed, she exhibits enough signs of the syndrome that saying, "Let's wait and see" is simply major denial. She's got it. My wife is scrambling right now, looking for the right local program or specialist in our area (Pittsburgh) to deal with her. The situation is dire.
30 - "A message board is the wrong place to get the help that you probably seek right now."
How did you manage to stay on this 'message board' for 4 years?
You certainly don't seem to have learned very much about FR.
True! Spanish TV rocks! It must still be controlled by heterosexuals, unlike Anglo TV.
To make matters worse, a lot of obese-in-denial women (either in denial about the fact that they're obese, or in denial about how unattractive it is, or both), use the descriptors once correctly applied to healthy women, to falsely describe themselves: "curvy", "pleasingly plump", "voluptuous", etc. to describe themselves. Hence those terms have been ruined for their original usages. (Just try saying on a matchmaking site, "Looking for a curvy woman...", as I once did when I was still single -- you will be deluged by messages from the pathologically obese.)
I believe it was CS Lewis who pointed out that Satan tries to bring sin to us in pairs of opposites, trying to use our extra dislike of one to make us fall into the other. This is clearly the case with weight. The moderate healthy category of physique -- the norm generations ago (see old movies, for instance) and still in Europe -- no longer seems to exist in people's minds in this country. Partly this is due to the hijacking of language above, and partly to the gay media problem I noted in post 78.
At any rate, American women are presented with a false choice: anorexia or obesity. Both are wrong, the victims of both are often in deep denial, and both are at epidemic levels.
falsely describe themselves: "curvy", "pleasingly plump", "voluptuous", etc. to describe themselves
copy paste error... but you all know what I mean
And, it's often paradoxical.
If, rightly or wrongly; with reason or absolutely near none . . . a young person has merely 'insufficiently' *****FELT***** [MAY OR MAY NOT have a LOT to do with TRUE REALITY from the perspective of those around said individual] IF THE PERSON HAS FELT INSUFFICIENTLY HEARD or BONDED with; CONNECTED with heart to heart over a significant time period . . .
then they will tend to consciously and/or unconsciously behave in whatever ways get the most attention UNTIL WE BEGIN TO FEEL THAT MAYBE WE DO EXIST, BREATHE, TAKE UP SPACE; HAVE SUBSTANCE, and maybe even are worth something
after all.
AND UNTIL that desperate very common human need is very significantly met; until those maybe never filled buckets are mostly or at least more filled
it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that jumping through all sorts of hoops and directives to get the person to focus on others will work well or very lastingly at all.
YES, IT'S A WONDERFUL AND OFTEN KEY, CRUCIAL SOLUTION to get the person to do that. And it's WORTH A LOT of efforts and creativity to achieve it.
But it's very challenging to difficult to impossible unless the underlying causes are addressed--at LEAST in tandum.
If you've NEVER felt like you were the last whiff's of smoke from a massive pile of an acres large burning garbage dump, count your blessings. But many people have--whether rightly or wrongly and some from the seemingly best of families.
When such a person is feeling rather nonexistent and the extreme opposite of worth something . . . they can't even imagine that they'd ever have something to give anyone and they are likely so depressed they'd have no energy to give anything to anyone with.
imho.
I trust John's prayerful discrimmination skills A LOT. He's far from being an idiot.
I think that's very wise. And most good schools are keenly aware of the problem and usually have a LOT of built-in therapeutic responses ready and waiting. They HAVE to the problem is so sadly common.
I think I MIGHT seriously CONSIDER butting in a bit more as a parent and asking for a profile of each of the helping professionals likely to contact your daughter. I'd want personality variables as well as treatment strengths and weaknesses and tendencies. Then, I might set down with her and talk through her personality etc. and the various profiles and then insist on the best match being the one that's made. IF THE SCHOOL IS RESISTENT TO THIS, then I'd ask them who will make the assignment of your daughter to which professionals and based on what criteria. I'd insist that it be made on the above variables and NOT on convenience issues.
just imho.
I think you can have a lot of confidence in such school programs if they are ran even half way right. And you should be able to detect that within a few hours of exploration and contact.
Thanks for your kind reply.
FWIW, I'd factor that key issue/those issues this way . . .
The tail does NOT need to wag the dog and would end up counter productive if it did.
Nevertheless, SHE IS THE ONE IN A CRITICAL STATE AT THE MOMENT and will reasonably and rightly be the focus, center of attention. That's unavoidable. And, it's not automatically all bad at all.
CONTROL IS A HUGE issue with such problems. And, it's necessary to sort through with the professionals involved, what are fitting areas and ways for her to have control and what aren't. Those are very tricky issues with such individuals. A meat axe approach is not wise or likely to be productive.
I've known of some BEHAVIOR MOD folks to empty a child's bedroom except for a mat on the floor and minimal covers and the child had to earn absolutely everything back with the desired behaviors. That's enormously drastic. It's called for in some cases and can be massively effective. I suspect it'd be the absolutely WRONG first, 2nd or 3rd approaches in anorexic cases.
I think firmness is fitting where your personhood or core values are involved. Avoid compromising those without extremely good reason and then extremely rarely and briefly, if at all.
A *LOT* of things must needs be very, very negotiable--up for grabs--grist for the mill in arriving at THE MOST PRODUCTIVE SET-UP FOR REDEMPTIVELY RETURNING OR MOVING YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOUR FAMILY TO MAXIMUM AVAILABLE HEALTHINESS. No biggy. Life can get like that. Just some people don't notice or pay attention or realize it until it's way too late. Thankfully, you're paying attention early-ish.
And here I am running off at the fingers again. I'll hush.
We are not there.
We have not interviewed the daughter or parents or dorm mates.
We have no realistic appraisal of the school's treatment options and resources.
We have no realistic appraisal of the degree of the problem.
We have no realistic appraisal of the degree of cooperativeness of the daughter.
We have no realistic appraisal of the daughter's degree of desire for help and change.
We have no realistic appraisal of the daughter's degree of teachableness generally.
We have no realistic appraisal of the strengths of the daughter's relationships with each of her parents.
We have far, far, far, far too little information to make such a flat statement about residential treatment.
Many schools have clinics which have inpatient beds that would be plenty adequate for a week or two of assessment etc. They also have a host of professionals in-house as well as on call for such problems.
BESIDES ALL THAT, I trust John's prayerful discernment tons and tons. Especially since he's been so startlingly awakened on this issue.
Just don't be afraid to challenge the touchy-feely type professionals. It will help you to figure out whether they're really going to be helpful or not. Example: years ago, I read an article in a magazine or newspaper, which included an interview with a "professional" who specialized in treating eating disorders. She had it all figured out that the girls' problems derived from low self-esteem and similar issues. One of her "treatments", in group sessions, involved having the girls trace an outline of each of their bodies with chalk on the floor. Then she'd tell them to draw what was "inside them" inside their outlines -- meaning their identities, feelings, etc. This "professional" made a big deal out of the fact that most of the girls couldn't seem to think of anything to draw inside themselves. SEE, she said, they feel EMPTY inside. Naturally, the interviewer didn't push the obvious question: What do normal teenage girls draw when put through this exercise? Think about it -- would YOU be able to think of things to draw in this situation? And that you would be WILLING to draw and explain in a room full of your peers. Don't be afraid to ask these questions about any treatments or theories that sound a little odd to you.
Another "test question" for therapists should be: "Tell me about the different kinds of eating disorders; what types are most common in our society, and what causes them?" If the therapist goes on and on about anorexia and bulimia, and talking about cultural pressure for women to be thin, etc., but never mentions that the most widespread eating disorder in our society, which will cause many times more premature deaths than anorexia and bulimia combined, is chronic overeating (without purging), then you are dealing with a therapist who is mired in a psychobabbly socio-political agenda, not a sound scientific fact-based agenda. Such a therapist is unlikely to be able to objectively analyze and deal with your daughter's eating issues.
Good luck!
And one more thing. Since you'll invariably have a wide array of professionals to choose from, try to involve your daughter heavily in the choice -- both the first choice(s), and the choice to make changes. Rule out any individuals who really strike you as inappropriate, but then present her with information and your thoughts on the rest. If at all possible, she needs to own the treatment process -- have a sense of control over it. Of course, if she's too far gone to acknowledge that she has a problem, and commit to fixing it, this won't work. But hopefully, you've caught this early enough that she'll listen to reason, at least to some extent.
May God give you guidance in this area.
Beautiful reply and advice, thank you so much.
Beautiful, thank you.
Thank you for your help and advice, and tips. You describe a scenario we are far from--thankfully!--but we will be on sharp lookout.
Is there an update on your daughter.. have you picked her up from school yet?
Our situation, thank God, is not extreme yet. In fact, we have caught this rather early, it turns out. Treatment and monitoring are underway. She is eating. No tricks. Eating! She attends a Catholic university. There is much help for this sort of thing...and there is, comparatively, not that much of this sort of thing there. Thanks.
Thanks. Kind words, good thoughts.
She has a family that cares and is trying to help. That will help tremendously. I do not have any answers for you my friend but I can offer my prayers.
Good Luck
Glad to hear she is well. Give her a hug for us.
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