Posted on 12/10/2004 2:44:08 PM PST by CHARLITE
Accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
When I arrived at the airport to stand in line, I watched others with worried expressions and realized that they also wanted to get to their destinations safely. I started thinking about the thousands of flights which take off and land safely every day without incident, each flight loaded with passengers just like me.
On one flight a man sat behind us, sat down and rather abruptly shut his window blind. I smiled and asked if this was his first flight.
He said that he was in the Marines, and had flown much but could not overcome his fear of flying. He was home on extended leave where he had planned to marry his childhood sweetheart and enjoy a few weeks together. He and his bride had married and had spent just one day together when his orders were changed which sent him for deployment in the Middle East.
Instead of taking the nap I so desperately needed, the serviceman and I started chatting about his concerns about flying, about leaving his bride behind, about the sudden change in orders, through most of the flight.
He said it was strange that he was more afraid of flying than facing the unknown in the Middle East. As we headed East I described the landscape below to the Marine. A couple of times I encouraged him to raise his window blind to see the beautiful sites. He seemed to relax a bit.
Perspective and prayer helped me. I hope it helps you too. :)
One of the guys in the hangar brought up his handheld in one hand with his beer in the other, and called ground, "Cessna 1234X taxi for takeoff with information bravo".
Ground gave him clearance, and after an appropriate period of time the guy in the hangar called "Cessna 34X ready for takeoff, closed pattern".
The Tower gave him clearance, and after a bit the hangar guy calls, "Cessna 34X downwind", and got a prompt "34X cleared for the option".
This went on for a couple of patterns until the "Cessna" requested full stop and a taxi back to the hangar from ground.
The last call from the "Cessna" was "Ground, are you guys watching the game?". Ground called back with the score and the "Cessna" answered, "Yeah, I figured".
LOL!
Great stuff!
ping
I could see that happpening (c8
ROFL! These are great, Charlite. Thanks for posting them.
Reminds me of an afternoon when we were walking out to pre-flight our (USAF) F-4. The pilot climbed to the front cockpit, stopped, and climbed back down.
Crewchief: What's the problem, sir?
Pilot: There's no seat, and I'm not sure I want to stand the entire sortie...
One night years ago I was one of the few passengers on a commercial flight. The stewardess asked me to fasten my seat belt as the pilot "said that there was some weather ahead." I told her that I certainly hoped so. She hurried to the cockpit and a few minutes later the copilot came back and introduced himself and sat next to me. He started up a rambling conversation to try to see what kind of nut I was. He finally mentioned my remark to the stewardess and I told him that I was just happy to know that we weren't flying toward a vacuum. He said "oh" and went about his duties.
Ha ha ha!
LOL!
I can belive it... some pilots have a wonderfully dry sense of humor.. I think they have too.
Lol! Yes, that does sound like a native Texan.:)
As a retired FAA/ATC, I feel I have to make an entry. When I was being trained in New York Center, in the early '70s, my instructor told an Eastern flight on approach to JFK Airport to reduce to 1-8-0 knots. The pilot responded with, "Center, do you know the stall speed of the aircraft?" My instructor fired back,"no, but if you ask the guy next to you, he probably does!"
More good air traffic control stuff here.
http://www.avweb.com/cgi-bin/texis/scripts/avweb-
search/search.html?query=short&publication=avflash&category=shortfinal
As a retired FAA/ATC, I feel I have to make an entry. When I was being trained in New York Center, in the early '70s, my instructor told an Eastern flight on approach to JFK Airport to reduce to 1-8-0 knots. The pilot responded with, "Center, do you know the stall speed of the aircraft?" My instructor fired back,"no, but if you ask the guy next to you, he probably does!"
bump
As a retired FAA/ATC, I feel I have to make an entry. When I was being trained in New York Center, in the early '70s, my instructor told an Eastern flight on approach to JFK Airport to reduce to 1-8-0 knots. The pilot responded with, "Center, do you know the stall speed of the aircraft?" My instructor fired back,"no, but if you ask the guy next to you, he probably does!"
I heard that while flying in LA Center.
I told the guy that the "Kitchen" wasn't my best room.
I still laugh at that.. Another Empty Kitchen... Devoid of the smell of chocolate chip cookies - because I learned to fly! HA!
It's very helpful when the pilot tells you what rivers, towns, etc. you are passing over. To me, it's fascinating to watch the "great American desert" begin as you cross from DFW to California.
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