Posted on 12/07/2004 6:21:19 AM PST by indyreb
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Posted on Sun, Dec. 05, 2004
CARL HIAASEN FEMA A windfall of dubious hurricane payouts
What a relief.
Apparently you don't have to get hit by a hurricane to get hurricane money from Uncle Sam.
The Federal Emergency Management Agency has paid out $28 million in storm funds to more than 12,000 Miami-Dade residents, none of whom were in the path of a single hurricane this year. Many live where there was little, if any, weather damage.
Among the items replaced so far are 5,260 TV sets, 1,440 air conditioners, 423 personal computers, 1,091 microwave ovens, and two boat anchors.
FEMA also paid for a funeral and for hurricane-related dental work.
The government's extraordinary generosity, splendidly detailed in the Sun-Sentinel, has brought a predictable outcry.
Some legislators have blasted the Miami-Dade hurricane payouts as disgraceful, and Gov. Jeb Bush has asked the feds to investigate for possible fraud.
While so many FEMA workers performed heroically during this crazed hurricane season, it does appear that some who were handing out the money went slightly mad.
Yet before assuming the worst, let's consider the possibility that these storm claims -- no matter how bizarre or suspicious -- might be legitimate.
Most stem from Hurricane Frances, a Category 2 storm that came shore ashore at Stuart, three counties north of Miami-Dade, over the Labor Day weekend.
FEMA inspectors cited ''tornado-wind'' damage as justification for paying to replace more than 195,000 personal items in Miami-Dade, even though Frances spawned exactly zero tornadoes there.
In fact, the highest sustained wind in the Miami area was barely 47 miles per hour, not even tropical-storm strength.
But let's say you accidentally opened all your doors and windows, and suddenly that 47 mph tempest roars into your house and begins swirling in circles. Before you can say, ''Run, Toto, run!,'' you've got a mini-tornado in your living room.
There goes the plasma TV, then the microwave, maybe your favorite anchor -- the one your father-in-law gave you last Christmas.
These things happen.
Among other controversial, though not impossible, hurricane claims are the ''ice/snow'' damages noted in several cases by FEMA inspectors in Miami-Dade.
Now, we all know hurricanes don't bring ice or snow, so these reports on the surface seem ludicrous and indefensible.
But let's say you wanted to fix yourself a gin-and-tonic while that 47 mph tempest was whorling through your house.
And let's say you opened the freezer door and tugged on an ice tray, which went flying out of your grasp and crashed into your plasma TV, your microwave or that anchor your father-in-law gave you. . .
These things happen. Consider the $2,800 FEMA paid one Miami-Dade resident for ``dental injuries received during the disaster.''
It sounds like a ridiculous, infuriating waste of money -- until you stop and imagine what it's like to get smashed in the teeth by a bottle of Bombay gin hurtling at 47 mph.
These things happen.
Like the FEMA-financed funeral, following ''a death caused by the disaster.'' Cost: $4,500.
True, the Miami-Dade Medical Examiner reported no storm-related deaths from Hurricane Frances. Technically, that might be accurate.
But let's say you were so bummed about losing your microwave and breaking a perfectly good bottle of gin that you sat down the next morning and gobbled three cold Sarah Lee walnut-cinnamon coffee cakes, then keeled over dead.
These things happen.
You might still be among the living if Hurricane Frances hadn't sent that ferocious 47 mph tempest all the way from Martin County into your living room, 100 miles away.
Maybe the hurricane didn't kill you directly, but the hassle caused by the hurricane didn't help -- and that's good enough for FEMA.
Some lawmakers have complained that the $28 million paid out in Miami-Dade should have been saved for counties such as Brevard, Charlotte, St. Lucie and Indian River -- places that actually got struck by hurricane-force winds. FEMA Director Michael Brown said that the agency has been fair and diligent with its emergency disbursements.
''We're going to pay all legitimate claims, everywhere. It's not like money from here is not going to get there,'' he told The Herald.
That was a week before the November elections. Since then, Brown has been rather quiet.
Investigations of Miami-Dade's mystery windfall are underway, the theory being that disaster-relief funds ought to be spent strictly where disasters occur. Picky, picky.
Meanwhile, the tumultuous hurricane season has finally ended, though the claims keep rolling in.
Personally, I could use some dental work myself. The nearest hurricane missed our house by 75 miles, but I spent lots of anxious time watching the Weather Channel and grinding my teeth.
Maybe FEMA would buy me some new molars.
Sounds insane, but these things do happen.
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© 2004 Herald.com and wire service sources. All Rights Reserved. http://www.miami.com
Good post.
Carl Hiassen's one of my favorite fiction writers, and it appears he does also have some small talent with respect to journalissm...
Hiaasen!
Hiaasen
Hiaasen
Hiaasen!
---if you toss taxpayer dollars into the wind, so to speak, there are plenty of people willing to pick it up---
Hiaasen
Hiaasen
Hiaasen!
God bless you - care for a kleenex?
;-P
I hope Carl is correct and that there will be some consequences to be paid for those who turned their garden hose on their appliances in order to manufacture a claim.
Along with winds, hurricanes often produce lightning. My home in CA was hit by lightning once. It destroyed every piece of electronic stuff in the house. Everything was fried. TV's, Microwaves, Computers, Radios...everything.
Methinks some of this damage was lightning-related, thus legitimate.
In my area about 3:00 P.M. every afternoon from mid June till the end of October.
Not legitimate, that is what my home owners Insurance is for.
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