Posted on 12/05/2004 10:10:24 AM PST by SandRat
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her ex-husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooooooooooooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."
(Of course... this guy is probably on the milk carton by now)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you could be attracted to me; Go made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pates, that it indeed says.......................................................................... "HEBREWS"
There are messages in here for us guys too.
ROTFLMAO!!! That's a keeper!
I really like HEBREWS
Ex-wife: I faked every orgasm!
Ex-husband: I didn't care!
Yeah, but I could still get out of that one...
I work in a brewery.
LOL!
LOL
Thanks
Congressman Billybob
Click for latest, "Appointing Justices to the Supreme Court."
From "NIGERIAN CUSTOMES AND EXERCISE DEPARTMENT"
(they are still looking for fools?)
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL & PERSONAL.
DEAR SIR,
I AM HIGHLY DELIGHTED TO BE IN CONTACT WITH YOU, FOLLOWING THE RECOMMENDATION MADE BY A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
I AM DR NWANNE NKEM THE CHIEF CONTROLLER OF THE NIGERIAN CUSTOMES AND EXERCISE DEPARTMENT. FOR THE PAST TEN (10) YEARS, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA SIEZED LOTS OF CONTRA BANNED GOODS/EQUIPEMENTS BROUGHT INTO THIS COUNTRY BY FOREIGN IMPORTERS AND MERCHANTS. THE GOODS INCLUDING THE SHIPS WERE SEIZED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA UNDER THE PAST MILITARY REGIME.
RECENTLY, THE PRESENT MILITARY GOVERNMENT ORDERED MY DEPARTMENT TO AUCTION-SALE ALL THE SEIZED CONTRA BANNED GOODS AND INVITE THE ORIGINAL IMPORTERS TO CLAIM THEIR MONEY.
1. AMONG THE GOVERNMENT MANDATES WERE THAT THE IMPORTERS SHOULD BE IDENTIFIED TO PAY THEIR IMPORT DUTIES AND DEMURAGE ACCRUED AS A RESULT OF ABATING OF THE SHIPS ON THE NIGERIAN SEA PORTS.
2. THAT THEIR MONEY RECOVERED FROM THE AUCTION SALES BE CREDITED TO THEM ACCORDINGLY WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY.
THE GOVERNMENT HAS MADE SERIES OF PUBLICATIONS IN OUR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL NEWSPAPERS REQUESTING THE AFFECTED FOREIGN/LOCAL IMPORTERS TO COME FORWARD AND CLAIM THEIR MONEY.
SOME HAVE CAME AND CLAIMED THEIR MONIES WHILE OTHERS MOSTLY
FOREIGNERS COULD NOT BE IDENTIFIED. WHEN WE CONTACTED THEM THROUGH THEIR ADDRESSES, WE WERE INFORMED THAT THE COMPANY WAS NO LONGER IN EXISTANCE. IN SOME CASES, WE NOTIFIED THAT THE CONCERNED IS DEAD.
NOW, MYSELF AND MY THREE (3) OTHER OFFICERS HAVE DECIDED TO NEGOCIATE WITH A FOREIGN PARTNER WHO CAN ASSIST US IN PROVIDING A FOREIGN BANK ACCOUNT WHERE SOME PART OF THIS FUND ?36M (THIRTY SIX MILLION UK POUND STERLING) WILL BE TRANSFERED TO FOR OUR OWN USE. THE FUND WILL BE CREDITED TO YOU AS ONE OF THE IMPORTERS. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND TO YOUR ACCOUNT, WE SHALL RETRIEVE AND DESTROY
ALL THE DOCUMENTS REGARDING FOR THE PAYMENT. SO THAT NO ONE COULD KNOW ABOUT IT.
INFACT, THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED IN THIS TRANSACTION, WHEN THE THIS TRANSACTION IS COMPLETED WE SHALL GIVE YOU ?8M (EIGHT MILLION POUNDS), ?IM (ONE MILLION POUNDS) WILL BE SET ASIDE TO SETTLE EXPENSES MADE DURING THE TRANSACTION (TAXES), WHILE ?27M (TWENTY SEVEN MILLION POUNDS) WILL BE FOR US. PLEASE SEND THE UNDER LISTED INFORMATIONS TO ME FOR IMMEDIATE REMITTANCE OF THE FUND.
(A). NANE AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK.
(B). BANK ACCOUNT HOLDERS NAME.
(C). BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER.
YOUR CONFIDENTIAL TEL/FAX NUMBERS WILL BE REQUIRED FOR THIS
TRANSACTION.
TAKE NOTE THAT THIS BUSINESS IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. IF YOU MAY NOT HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION, KINDLY NEGOTIATE ON OUR BEHALF FOR A RELIABLE FRIEND OR RELATION OF YOUR'S WHO CAN HANDLE THIS FOR US.
FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME THROUGH MY MAIL BOX FOR MORE INFORMATIONS.
I AM EXPECTING TO READ YOUR MAIL SOONEST.
REGARDS,
DR. NWANNE NKEM
Then he's bisexual.
The red X is always funny.
ROFL!
A real man would have several remotes around, and he would know how to program the VCR remote to work on the TV. If this guy was put out by this stunt, then he's a big wuss and deserves it.
Why would you need to bring a man when going shopping? He will only complain about spending too much time in a store. The only thing that a woman needs to bring to a store is his credit card.
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