Posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:20 PM PST by Pokey78
If I hear "Frosty the Snowman" one more time, I'll rip his frozen face off.
It's a scientific fact, or should be, that Christmas music can turn you into a fruitcake. It either sends you into a Pavlovian shopping trance, buying stupid things like the Robosapien, or, if you hear repeated Clockwork-Orange choruses of "Ring, Christmas Bells" drilling into your brain with that slasher-movie staccato, makes you feel as possessed with Christmas spirit as Norman Bates.
I've never said this out loud before, but I can't stand Christmas.
Everyone in my family loves it except me, and they can't fathom why I get the mullygrubs, as a Southern friend of mine used to call a low-level depression, from Thanksgiving straight through New Year.
"You're weird," my mom says. This from a woman who once left up our Christmas tree until April 3, and who listens to a radio station that plays carols 24/7 all month.
My equally demonic sister has a whole collection of rodents dressed in holiday clothes that she puts up around her house. There's a mouse Santa Claus and mouse Mrs. Claus and mice elves and a miniature Christmas village with mice, and some rat Cinderella coachmen in pink waistcoats and rats in red velvet vests and more rats, wearing frilly red-and-white nightshirts and nightcaps and holding little candles, leading you up the steps to bed. It's beyond creepy. I keep fretting that it's going to be like "Willard" meets "The Nutcracker," where they come alive and eat her like a Christmas pudding.
My mom and sister both blissfully sat through "It's a Wonderful Life" again on Thanksgiving weekend, while even hearing a mere snatch of that movie makes me want to scarf down a fistful of antidepressants - and join all the other women in America who are on a holiday high - except our family doctor is a Scrooge about designer drugs, leaving me to self-medicate as Clarence gets his wings with extra brandy in the eggnog.
I've given a lot of thought to why others' season of joy is my season of doom - besides the obvious fact that yuppies have drenched the holidays in ever more absurd levels of consumerism.
I think it has to do with how stressed out my mom and sister would get on Christmas Day when I was little. I remember them snapping at me; they seemed tense because of all the aprons to be sashed and potatoes to be mashed. (In our traditional Irish household, women slaved and men were waited on.)
It might be exacerbated by the stress I feel when I think of all the money I've spent on lavishing boyfriends with presents over the years, guys who are now living with other women who are enjoying my lovingly picked out presents which I'm no doubt still paying for in credit card interest charges.
I was embracing my Christmas black dog the other day when I read a Times article so scary it made my hair - and my genes - curl.
It was about how severe stress can make a woman age very rapidly and prematurely, looking years older than her chronological age, because the stress causes the DNA in our cells to shrink, and sort of curl down on itself, until the cells can no longer replicate. "When people are under stress they look haggard, it's like they age before your eyes, and here's something going on at a molecular level" that reflects that impression, said one of the researchers, Dr. Elizabeth Blackburn of the University of California at San Francisco.
So now, on top of all the stress related to having a president and vice president who scared us to death about terrorists to get re-elected, I have to be stressed about the fact that my holiday stress might cause me to turn into an old bat - instantly, just like it happened in Grimm's fairy tales, when a girl would be cursed and suddenly become a crone. Or just like this Christmas doll my sister brought home once that had an apple for a head; her face looked all juicy and white at the start of the week and then by the end of the week, it was all discolored and puckered.
I flipped through the hot new self-help book by Gordon Livingston, a psychiatrist from Columbia, Md., "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now."
One of them is the cardinal rule of anxiety: Avoidance makes it worse; confrontation gradually improves it.
Yep. I definitely need to rip Frosty's face off.
Does this woman find happiness anywhere ?
This should be posted in every women's magazine in America. This is what will happen to middle-aged women when they don't have any love in their life. When you have love ... when you feel loved, SIGNS OF LOVE are comforting, not an annoyance. I'm Jewish and I ADORE the Christmas season. I love the music, I love the smells and I love the movies. For the first time, I actually feel sorry for Ms. Dowd.
MoDo's columns are so awful, so depressing and so full of cries for help, that they should be considered pre suicide notes.
I hope the NYT has an employee health plan that offers psychiatric coverage and stronger locks on the 11th floor windows.
LOL! My nomination would be the average seventeen year old kid. Keep her up all night.
(Probably just me...but at 17, even MoDo would have done just fine.)
More rantings from the angry spinster.
5.56mm
Poor Mo. Such an unhappy existence.
Mo needs to find the real meaning of Christmas, and not buy in to the commercialism.
I have a friend who gets depressed at Christmastime ever since her mother died a few days before Christmas years ago. She turned it into a positive by going to shelters and soup kitchens to volunteer on Christmas Day.
Mo needs to consider that giving is not just buying gifts.
She needs to get laid...BAD.
What a poor poor pathetic excuse for a human being.
"Feels bad about no date and no kids"
You DO realize we are talking of Dowd here, right? She hates men and I bet she aborted the only chance she had at children years ago.
Bwahahahahahahahahahahah
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ha aha ha
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ha ha ha ha
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Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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.ha ha
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<snicker>
"I have to be stressed about the fact that my holiday stress might cause me to turn into an old bat."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA;snort;HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I volunteer. Its a dirty thankless job I know but banging her brains out might be her salvation and I feel that Im up to the task.
The Ghost of Christmas Past (played by Dick Cheney all jollied up in holly and fur) shows her her youth...boyfriends she didn't have time for, Michael Douglas leaving because of her bitterness, etc. She would be shown the jolly times she had while young, and how she celebrated Christmas at that time.
Then the Ghost of Christmas Present (played by George W. Bush) could show her how Christmas is celebrated at her family's house (complete with all the mice), and then show her a family of a Marine, stationed in Fallujah. The family would be celebrating with Midnight Mass and a call from their husband and father, who is also shown celebrating mass in the desert.
THEN Mo would be visited by the Ghost of Christmas yet to come, played by Helen Thomas. I think that would be enough to scare her into celebrating Christmas the right way.
I suggest that we all send her a simple "Merry Christmas", at:
liberties@nytimes.com
The Lord only knows where she got that "handle" from.
No. She's a liberal. They insist on dwelling on the negative. They complain that America is a horrible place because it's not perfect. A liberal in heaven would complain that it's not 'inclusive' enough.
You are a credit to Free Republic, and I too think you are up to this distasteful but important undertaking. A man with your confidence and sense of mission would have MoDo leading freeps of the New York Times within a few days.
It's close but it's what liberalism has to offer. Send her to Russia & OD on vodka. The sad part is these libs just can't break from their disease.
1.- Joy To The Weird 2.- Have Yourself An Artificial Christmas 3.- Oh, Little Town Of Beelzebub 4.- We Three Kings Of DisOriented Are 5.- The Holiday Song 6.- Salient Night 7.- Hark The Hate Speech Angels Sing 8.- Oh Holiday Tree 9.- Adeste Infidelis 10.- Liberals Watching Over Me 11.- A Chill Is Born 12.- I'll Be Home For Holiday 13.- I Saw Mommy Kissing That Man In The Red Suit 14.- It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Holiday 15.- Jolly Old Man In The Red Suit 16.- Have A Holly Jolly Holiday 17.- The Man In the Red Suit Is Coming To Town 18.- (I'm Dreaming Of A) White Holiday 19.- RudeDog The Red Nose Reindeer 20.- Who's Child Is This?
LOL! Boy, I like your sand! Well, just get after it, and try not to disturb the neighbors too much. (I'm thinking of "the Scream Scene" in Down and Out in Beverly Hills......"Madre de Dios!!")
Go get her!
OK OK......I'll say it.
What a pathetic bitch.
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