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The Yankee Guide to the South
www.thebigshow.com ^ | n/a | Joel Baker

Posted on 12/04/2004 1:50:28 PM PST by chasio649

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Do not buy food at the movie store.

6. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

8. People walk slower here.

9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

19. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

20. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

21. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

22. If you hear music from your neighbors house, join in on the chorus.

23. If you are a woman with a flat tire, don't worry - someone will be along shortly to change it for you. This is the South and we don't let our womenfolk change flat tires.

24. Yes, we do have garbage pickup twice a week here.

25. While you didn't realize it, the National Anthem does end with "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!"

26. However you did it in the North is of no concern to those of us in the South.

27. Flannel shirts can be considered formal wear in the wintertime.

28. Those nice white buildings on the street corners, across from the convenience stores, are called churches! Pick one and attend.

29. Learn to play softball.

30. Learn to eat watermelon. Seed spitting is optional but distance is a virtue.

31. You have 10 days to get your Alabama tape, Bear Bryant Cup and learn all of verses to "I'll Fly Away" after establishing residency. Get your drivers license when you get time to do it.

32. Learn to visit the Space and Rocket Center at least one time each year.

33. Appreciate leaving the house 30 minutes before concert time and being seated 10 minutes before concert time.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: dixie; postitagainsam; topten
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To: chasio649

You forgot everyone saying "hello".


201 posted on 12/05/2004 3:34:31 PM PST by Beckwith (John Kerry is now a kept man . . .)
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To: chasio649

And...if your in Texas,you are expected do everything on the list 3 times better........:)


202 posted on 12/05/2004 3:36:38 PM PST by TexConfederate1861 (Sic Semper Tyrannis!)
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To: Colt .45
The Northern States don't give a sh*t about anything else but themselves

The north doesn't wallow in the sorrow of a very long ago ass-whooping. A mature stance on things.

203 posted on 12/05/2004 4:30:42 PM PST by Glenn (The two keys to character: 1) Learn how to keep a secret. 2) ...)
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To: catfish1957
I really enjoyed until I couldn't think of 15 meats

ROFL! (I reckon you could include entrails?)

204 posted on 12/05/2004 4:32:26 PM PST by PistolPaknMama (Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that -- Mark Twain)
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To: PistolPaknMama

Yep... Chicken, Beef, Pork, Duck, uhhh, uhh, Frog, Venison, Turkey, uhhh, uhh, (I don't feel so good)<><


205 posted on 12/05/2004 4:45:14 PM PST by catfish1957
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To: U S Army EOD
You make your dogs ride in the back of the pick up, you heartless bastard.

Well, my kids would be back there, but they frown on that nowdays. It's a shame: I always loved riding in the back of the pickup.

206 posted on 12/05/2004 7:11:30 PM PST by gitmo (Thanks, Mel. I needed that.)
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To: gitmo

This idea of the government trying to think for us all the time really needs to end.


207 posted on 12/05/2004 7:22:26 PM PST by U S Army EOD (John Kerry, the mother of all flip floppers.I)
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To: U S Army EOD
Actually, I was kind of dissapoint'd in the article.

First, it didn't mention the Souther'n Cross, the Battleflag. We fly it, all over, down here. When we take an oath to seve in the military, in the back of our minds, there is always a part of us saying, and for the South. I served 23 years in the Marine Corps, retired as a Lt.Col., and I always carried a Battleflag under my helmet, so I could fight under our own flag James Webb, in "Fields of Fire", and Ann Coulter, in her book "How to talk to a Liberal, if you must", noted similar phenomenon.

Second, there was no mention of guns. We, Southrons, see guns as the great equalizer between us and a tyrannical Federal government. (and, yes, we do remember we were "out gunned" in our "Second War for Independence". Nevertheless, Southerners own, and carry, more guns, per capita, than any other population of the Untied States, with the possible exception of Alaskans. (Who consider the "Lower 48" as a different world, anyway.)

Thinking about Alaska, in my time there, I found more of a "Southern sentiment" there (20 years ago), than I have found in Dixie. Many of them have little use, for the government of a foreign power. I recall a very vibrant "Alaskan Independence movement".

Food for thought

Lourie Salley

208 posted on 12/05/2004 9:30:40 PM PST by l8pilot (<p)
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To: chasio649

I remember bailing out of LA after the riots, and driving cross country and stopping for gas in rural Georgia. A fellow came by and said "Hey, how you doing?" I fixed him hard with a gaze and said "Just fine. How are you?" Then I realized he was just being friendly.

I spoke with some southern relatives, and told them how impressed I was with the friendliness, and the "y'all come back" stuff, and they said "Well...you know they don't mean that, don't you? It's just something to say."

I thought for a minute, and said "Well, if I had a choice between "Hey, getcha frikkin' car outta the way - you think you own that gas pump?" versus "Y'all come back" - and neither one really meant it - I know which one I'd choose.


209 posted on 12/05/2004 10:11:38 PM PST by guitfiddlist (When the 'Rats break out switchblades, it's no time to invoke Robert's Rules.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy; King Prout

Ping!


210 posted on 12/05/2004 10:44:29 PM PST by bad company (I'm a new Grandpa.)
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To: l8pilot

You are right on about Alaska. As a delegate I attended Republican party meetings, remind you of militia get-togethers. Very independent folks these Republicans up here. You couldn't even get elected to dog catcher here if you were for gun control.


211 posted on 12/05/2004 11:46:31 PM PST by sasportas
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To: l8pilot

Make sure and keep the guns and plenty of ammo. The great big social upheaval might still happen.


212 posted on 12/06/2004 5:27:28 AM PST by U S Army EOD (John Kerry, the mother of all flip floppers.I)
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To: terabyte

El pingaroo. You're gonna need to know this stuff. :)


213 posted on 12/06/2004 5:30:38 AM PST by Terabitten (Live as a bastion of freedom and democracy in the midst of the heart of darkness.)
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To: Tragically Single

Thanks for the heads up :-)


214 posted on 12/06/2004 7:16:32 AM PST by terabyte
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To: TexConfederate1861

Point of clarification if I might: Texas is not a part of the South. The south begins at the border with Louisiana and Arkansas. You ignorant yankees always seem to get that one wrong. Texas is and ALWAYS will be a Republic. It would be wise for any yankee who comes to TEXAS to remember that otherwise, he might be needing the services of a good dentist.


215 posted on 12/06/2004 8:16:40 AM PST by MAWG (Arafat, Kerry and now Rather..... I'll drink to that!)
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To: chasio649
"If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do."

I grew up in Nebraska, went to college and graduate school in New England, and then moved to the DC area (I currently live in Arlington, Va).

It took me a while to understand that going to the supermarket was just something you "are supposed to do" when there is even the slightest hint of the most miniscule accumulation of snow.

216 posted on 12/06/2004 8:30:32 AM PST by chs68
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To: helen crump
This is reminding me of my dear Grandmother who lived her entire life in Oklahoma.

Bless her heart.

217 posted on 12/06/2004 8:42:33 AM PST by chs68
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To: chasio649

Here's another one:

Thank God for the south, or we'd be watching John Kerry get sworn in next month.


218 posted on 12/06/2004 8:49:25 AM PST by Preachin' (Democrats know that they can never run on their real agenda.)
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To: MAWG

"Texas is not a part of the South...Texas is and ALWAYS will be a Republic."

And who helped make it a republic? People from the south...people like Davy Crockett who made Texas' fight his fight when he fought at the Alamo. Sam Houston himself was a Tennessean.

And then there is the little matter of the civil war. Gen. Hood from Texas comes to mind, Lee relied heavily on Texans, they helped tilt certain battles for the south. They were a major state in the south's lineup against the north.

For some reason you seem to have it in for the south. Are you ashamed that your folks fought on the side of the south?


219 posted on 12/06/2004 11:22:56 AM PST by sasportas
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To: alancarp

LOL


220 posted on 12/06/2004 11:38:28 AM PST by WHBates
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