Posted on 11/26/2004 5:29:21 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
Don't waste your time, girls - some romances are not meant to be, writes Caroline Overington.
Is there a woman alive who hasn't sat on the couch, sobbing and saying: "Why doesn't he call?" Well, now we know: he's just not that into you.
Sounds simple, no? Yet a guide for women that explains this basic concept has taken the book world by storm. The book, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, has reached the top of the bestseller lists in The New York Times, USA Today and The Wall Street Journal.
It was born out of an incident that occurred behind the scenes of the Sex and the City television series. A bunch of writers for the program were sitting around and one woman, in particular, was complaining about the "mixed messages" she was getting from a guy in her life. He seemed to like her, but...
According to the book, all her female colleagues were helping her "pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions". After much debate, they concluded that she was fabulous and he was obviously scared and she should just give him more time.
By chance, the comedian Greg Behrendt, who often worked as a consultant on the show, was in the office. He said: "Listen, it sounds like he's just not that into you."
The women were shocked. But according to the book, they also recognised instinctively that "this man might be speaking the truth".
They gathered around him, sharing their stories of men who didn't call. Maybe he broke all the bones in his dialling finger? Maybe he had a terrible childhood? Maybe he was wary of commitment?
One by one, they were shot down by Behrendt's "silver bullet".
The way Behrendt explained it, "if a sane guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way".
"When a guy is into you, he lets you know it," he said.
LOVE'S RULES:
If you can find him, he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
Men know how to use the phone. If he's not calling you, it's because you're not on his mind.
He's not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk.
He's not that into you if he's sleeping with somebody else (including his wife).
The only way a man can say he "misses you" is if he's choosing, every day, not to see you.
"He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off you."
But aren't some guys just busy? After all, who among women has not called a guy to ask, "Why didn't you call?", only to be told: "I'm sorry, I've been, like, crazy busy."
"If a dude isn't calling you when he says he will, stop making excuses for him," Behrendt says.
"Move on, sister. Cut your losses and don't waste your time."
Behrendt's words of wisdom became the focus of an episode of Sex and the City, in which Miranda asks her friends why a certain guy hasn't been calling. Carrie's boyfriend replies: "He's just not that into you."
Miranda is initially horrified, but then she decides she is liberated by this explanation. For hours afterwards, she walks around smiling and repeating to herself: "He's just not that into me."
Behrendt wrote the book with a former colleague, Liz Tuccillo, and it has been flying off the shelves. The initial print run of 30,000 copies sold out in two weeks.
The book got another boost when the authors appeared on Oprah in September. Oprah Winfrey told her audience the book "could save you 20 years of therapy". She invited guests to share their guy stories. One asked Behrendt about a guy she had jogged with, and really liked, who never asked her out.
"He's just not that into you! He's just not that into you!" Oprah shouted, and soon the whole audience was joining in.
Now another 400,000 copies of the book are being printed.
Critics have said it's just an update of The Rules, a tome released in 1995 that advised women not to call men and never to accept excuses for tardiness. New York Times reporter Rick Marin complained that there was "something wildly condescending about the image of women as helpless creatures standing around until men come into their lives and break their hearts". But others say the book is an antidote to Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and other guides that try to help women understand guys.
"Men are not complicated. There are no mixed messages," Behrendt says. "Unfortunately, guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman 'you're not the one'. But their actions absolutely show how they feel."
There's no reason to feel glum about this. The book assures women they are "super hot" and "foxy", and don't need to "scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask them out".
If someone is treating you badly, it says, move on.
Booksellers report that women are buying the book for friends, especially those who are obsessing about why he didn't call.
"The next time you feel the need to start figuring him out, consider the glorious thought that he's just not that into you," the book says.
"Then set yourself loose and go find the one who is."
Many women find such advice hard to take. Already, there have been stories asking: "But what if He's Just Not That Into You is wrong?"
But, as the writers point out, the alternative is to think: "No, I'm going to hang in here. If I wait and keep my mouth shut, and call at exactly the right time, and anticipate his moods, maybe I can have him." The book says, actually, you can't, and nor do you want him.
Hell no! Not after those pictures in the tabloids!
Sssh! Don't talk about that anymore, otherwise they're going to find the URLs!
You two wanna get a room already?
No I mean it, let's us three get a room...
Now you've done it, ha ha!
Now this will get good......gonna go get the pop corn and another beer !
Nah, they didn't get removed (despite lots of requests that they should be!!). You definitely know how to get high-response rate threads going.
I don't think that any rule in dating is universal. People are all different, and what works for one won't always work for another. However, I think there is a great deal of truth in the assertion that usuall a guy who never calls just isn't interested.
Don't count on it!
Was that you furiously hittin the Abuse button??? ;D
That's alright.......I'm outta beer................burp !
I don't think that any rule in dating is universal. People are all different, and what works for one won't always work for another.
I've come to learn that just being truthful and upfront about what you feel, etc., is the best way to go.
However, I think there is a great deal of truth in the assertion that usuall a guy who never calls just isn't interested.
Well, like many women, I learned that one in college. I remember early in my senior year, walking to class behind a couple of freshman girls who were trying to decipher the crap out of a guy. One was nearly in tears because he *said* he'd call, but never did and she just went back and forth between thinking that "something came up" and believing that something was wrong with her. I felt bad for her, but I didn't to be the one to tell her that if he really wanted to call her, he would have called her. When someone wants to call, they go out of their way to keep the slip of paper with the number and make sure they actually do call. Where there's a will, there's a way.
Well, as long as you're being so dignified about it... ;D
No way. I've been around FR long enough to know that one of the people no one should EVER antagonize is you. You have an overabundance of wit, and I don't want you aiming it at me!!
LOL.........scuse me........:o)
Hope ya had a nice turkey day with friends or family young lady !
Stay safe !
LOL! Little me?! :D
I'd never aim it at you anyway!
Yes, it was -- and I hope you had a good one too. :)
I think Little You can take on the world quite handily. I know you're basically a sweetheart, but I'm still making sure I stay on your good side by sucking up whenever possible. Geez I miss New York. Well, things shut down earlier in Beantown, including me -- goodnight, and always fun to get involved in your mischief threads!!
Who's the Transgender....lol
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.