Posted on 11/26/2004 5:29:21 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
Don't waste your time, girls - some romances are not meant to be, writes Caroline Overington.
Is there a woman alive who hasn't sat on the couch, sobbing and saying: "Why doesn't he call?" Well, now we know: he's just not that into you.
Sounds simple, no? Yet a guide for women that explains this basic concept has taken the book world by storm. The book, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, has reached the top of the bestseller lists in The New York Times, USA Today and The Wall Street Journal.
It was born out of an incident that occurred behind the scenes of the Sex and the City television series. A bunch of writers for the program were sitting around and one woman, in particular, was complaining about the "mixed messages" she was getting from a guy in her life. He seemed to like her, but...
According to the book, all her female colleagues were helping her "pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions". After much debate, they concluded that she was fabulous and he was obviously scared and she should just give him more time.
By chance, the comedian Greg Behrendt, who often worked as a consultant on the show, was in the office. He said: "Listen, it sounds like he's just not that into you."
The women were shocked. But according to the book, they also recognised instinctively that "this man might be speaking the truth".
They gathered around him, sharing their stories of men who didn't call. Maybe he broke all the bones in his dialling finger? Maybe he had a terrible childhood? Maybe he was wary of commitment?
One by one, they were shot down by Behrendt's "silver bullet".
The way Behrendt explained it, "if a sane guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way".
"When a guy is into you, he lets you know it," he said.
LOVE'S RULES:
If you can find him, he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
Men know how to use the phone. If he's not calling you, it's because you're not on his mind.
He's not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk.
He's not that into you if he's sleeping with somebody else (including his wife).
The only way a man can say he "misses you" is if he's choosing, every day, not to see you.
"He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off you."
But aren't some guys just busy? After all, who among women has not called a guy to ask, "Why didn't you call?", only to be told: "I'm sorry, I've been, like, crazy busy."
"If a dude isn't calling you when he says he will, stop making excuses for him," Behrendt says.
"Move on, sister. Cut your losses and don't waste your time."
Behrendt's words of wisdom became the focus of an episode of Sex and the City, in which Miranda asks her friends why a certain guy hasn't been calling. Carrie's boyfriend replies: "He's just not that into you."
Miranda is initially horrified, but then she decides she is liberated by this explanation. For hours afterwards, she walks around smiling and repeating to herself: "He's just not that into me."
Behrendt wrote the book with a former colleague, Liz Tuccillo, and it has been flying off the shelves. The initial print run of 30,000 copies sold out in two weeks.
The book got another boost when the authors appeared on Oprah in September. Oprah Winfrey told her audience the book "could save you 20 years of therapy". She invited guests to share their guy stories. One asked Behrendt about a guy she had jogged with, and really liked, who never asked her out.
"He's just not that into you! He's just not that into you!" Oprah shouted, and soon the whole audience was joining in.
Now another 400,000 copies of the book are being printed.
Critics have said it's just an update of The Rules, a tome released in 1995 that advised women not to call men and never to accept excuses for tardiness. New York Times reporter Rick Marin complained that there was "something wildly condescending about the image of women as helpless creatures standing around until men come into their lives and break their hearts". But others say the book is an antidote to Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and other guides that try to help women understand guys.
"Men are not complicated. There are no mixed messages," Behrendt says. "Unfortunately, guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman 'you're not the one'. But their actions absolutely show how they feel."
There's no reason to feel glum about this. The book assures women they are "super hot" and "foxy", and don't need to "scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask them out".
If someone is treating you badly, it says, move on.
Booksellers report that women are buying the book for friends, especially those who are obsessing about why he didn't call.
"The next time you feel the need to start figuring him out, consider the glorious thought that he's just not that into you," the book says.
"Then set yourself loose and go find the one who is."
Many women find such advice hard to take. Already, there have been stories asking: "But what if He's Just Not That Into You is wrong?"
But, as the writers point out, the alternative is to think: "No, I'm going to hang in here. If I wait and keep my mouth shut, and call at exactly the right time, and anticipate his moods, maybe I can have him." The book says, actually, you can't, and nor do you want him.
Don't forget she married a husband cursed with not just sexual ambiguity, but complete dorkiness. Talk about the worst of both worlds.
Wha.....? Was I supposed to call?
No offense to guys. It does go both ways. (wanting what we can't have...) I phrased it this way to keep in line with this book that has been written by a woman to other women.
I remember having to give this same advice to male acquaintances of mine also.
I have a feeling they both got what they deserved. Two very unsympathetic people.
you need to be very clear to her about boundaries. She does not want to hear about your new car when she wont be riding shotgun. She cannot clean your room, call you incessantly and you tolerate because you "don't want to be mean."
Explain that the relationship has ended and she needs to move on with her life without you. Invitations to hang out shall end. Casual dates will end. Phone calls will go into voicemail.
Allow her dignity. Unfortunately, relationships bring pain. And she will need to experience pain that you cannot take away. But she will grow and learn and move on in her own time.
This is from your mother, who many posted gave common sense they ignored when young.
Love ya dear.
Ain't that the truth? It seems like so much obvious, common sense, but sometimes people delude themselves and need to be slapped back into reality.
I am glad I'm not either of them.
That's what I'm counting on -- and, with luck, one of those classic gender wars to break out. I'm easily amused, what can I say? :D
I was raised by people who lacked commonsense. I basically had to learn from doing the opposite of what I witnessed.
And for the best dating advice for *guys* I've ever seen, check out the "Doc Love" archives -- and it's free online.
Don't let the author's cheesy pen name scare you off, nor the fact that he makes sales pitches for his compiled advice under the name "The System".
Most of what's likely in the "pay" package is available in his weekly free columns, and there are a ton of them on that website.
I've been married over sixteen years now, but while reading those columns I kept thinking two things a) "wow, this guy's saying stuff it took me *decades* to learn about women and dating the hard way, and b) where in the *hell* was he when I needed him thirty years ago?
Take it from an old married guy, the author *really* knows his stuff, and his advice is dead-on -- and just like the "get over it" advice in the article which started this thread, a lot of it's common-sense cut-through-the-BS stuff that seems incredibly obvious once you stop to think about it -- the problem is that most people never *do* actually stop to think about it. Or think about it and, like the women in the article, would rather cling to their illusions.
One thing the author does that puts him above all the other "dating advice" authors is that he has interviewed countless people, especially women, and instead of just asking women questions like what they think they want in a guy, he also asks them what kind of guy *actually* won them over. And it's interesting how different the two answers are.
And like a lot of folks in this thread have pointed out, one point he makes is that almost above all else, what gets a woman's interest is a guy who's a challenge (a variant of "wanting what they can't have").
The "Doc Love" columns often assume that the reader has read the points explained in the earlier columns, and the first page at the link is actually the most *recent* columns, so it's best to follow the "More Archives" link to walk through the past pages (all 25 of them) so that you can start reading from the first columns, then hit the "back" button to work your way chronologically through them.
While you're at it, don't forget the manicures, pedicures and trips to department store cosmetics counters! :D
I respect your view, but disagree. This premise is dead on right.
I've got a book full of all-time great quotes about love, sex, and romance (entitled "Was It Good For You Too?"), and one of the most memorable ones was:
"On your wedding day, say goodbye to your best friend -- unless your best friend is of the opposite sex and not your bride, in which case you just married the wrong person."
Well, I feel stupid now. I just assumed the author was a woman. My bad.
I don't think it's so much a matter of calling guys "simplistic, non-introspective buffoons" (although I did meet more than the average share of them in the past), so much as that perhaps most guys don't overanalyze relationships, dates, etc., to death the way women have a tendency to do.
The guys in the pics were covered! Did they get removed or something???
Right! Women need to know the three "s"es of men. Sports, sex and sandwiches. It really isn't much more difficult than that.
Obviously she's a Kerry supporter.
Actually, she probably is -- she's been a longtime Bush-hater. So has her husband, apparently, in another context. ;)
No. A well-muscled pool boy would be good, too. And a charge account at a good jeweler.
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