Posted on 11/26/2004 5:29:21 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
Don't waste your time, girls - some romances are not meant to be, writes Caroline Overington.
Is there a woman alive who hasn't sat on the couch, sobbing and saying: "Why doesn't he call?" Well, now we know: he's just not that into you.
Sounds simple, no? Yet a guide for women that explains this basic concept has taken the book world by storm. The book, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, has reached the top of the bestseller lists in The New York Times, USA Today and The Wall Street Journal.
It was born out of an incident that occurred behind the scenes of the Sex and the City television series. A bunch of writers for the program were sitting around and one woman, in particular, was complaining about the "mixed messages" she was getting from a guy in her life. He seemed to like her, but...
According to the book, all her female colleagues were helping her "pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions". After much debate, they concluded that she was fabulous and he was obviously scared and she should just give him more time.
By chance, the comedian Greg Behrendt, who often worked as a consultant on the show, was in the office. He said: "Listen, it sounds like he's just not that into you."
The women were shocked. But according to the book, they also recognised instinctively that "this man might be speaking the truth".
They gathered around him, sharing their stories of men who didn't call. Maybe he broke all the bones in his dialling finger? Maybe he had a terrible childhood? Maybe he was wary of commitment?
One by one, they were shot down by Behrendt's "silver bullet".
The way Behrendt explained it, "if a sane guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way".
"When a guy is into you, he lets you know it," he said.
LOVE'S RULES:
If you can find him, he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
Men know how to use the phone. If he's not calling you, it's because you're not on his mind.
He's not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk.
He's not that into you if he's sleeping with somebody else (including his wife).
The only way a man can say he "misses you" is if he's choosing, every day, not to see you.
"He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off you."
But aren't some guys just busy? After all, who among women has not called a guy to ask, "Why didn't you call?", only to be told: "I'm sorry, I've been, like, crazy busy."
"If a dude isn't calling you when he says he will, stop making excuses for him," Behrendt says.
"Move on, sister. Cut your losses and don't waste your time."
Behrendt's words of wisdom became the focus of an episode of Sex and the City, in which Miranda asks her friends why a certain guy hasn't been calling. Carrie's boyfriend replies: "He's just not that into you."
Miranda is initially horrified, but then she decides she is liberated by this explanation. For hours afterwards, she walks around smiling and repeating to herself: "He's just not that into me."
Behrendt wrote the book with a former colleague, Liz Tuccillo, and it has been flying off the shelves. The initial print run of 30,000 copies sold out in two weeks.
The book got another boost when the authors appeared on Oprah in September. Oprah Winfrey told her audience the book "could save you 20 years of therapy". She invited guests to share their guy stories. One asked Behrendt about a guy she had jogged with, and really liked, who never asked her out.
"He's just not that into you! He's just not that into you!" Oprah shouted, and soon the whole audience was joining in.
Now another 400,000 copies of the book are being printed.
Critics have said it's just an update of The Rules, a tome released in 1995 that advised women not to call men and never to accept excuses for tardiness. New York Times reporter Rick Marin complained that there was "something wildly condescending about the image of women as helpless creatures standing around until men come into their lives and break their hearts". But others say the book is an antidote to Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and other guides that try to help women understand guys.
"Men are not complicated. There are no mixed messages," Behrendt says. "Unfortunately, guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman 'you're not the one'. But their actions absolutely show how they feel."
There's no reason to feel glum about this. The book assures women they are "super hot" and "foxy", and don't need to "scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask them out".
If someone is treating you badly, it says, move on.
Booksellers report that women are buying the book for friends, especially those who are obsessing about why he didn't call.
"The next time you feel the need to start figuring him out, consider the glorious thought that he's just not that into you," the book says.
"Then set yourself loose and go find the one who is."
Many women find such advice hard to take. Already, there have been stories asking: "But what if He's Just Not That Into You is wrong?"
But, as the writers point out, the alternative is to think: "No, I'm going to hang in here. If I wait and keep my mouth shut, and call at exactly the right time, and anticipate his moods, maybe I can have him." The book says, actually, you can't, and nor do you want him.
If you guys would only bring home a handsome paycheck that would allow us to stay home with the kids, shop and go to the beauty salon, life would be perfect.
Bullseye! Same for me except we're on the opposite sides of the track gender-wise. I never sweated anything when I started dating my wife.
I'm guessing that's your tongue in your cheek and not some guy's tongue. LOL!
I actually had a shot at that, once.
It's an old system but it works pretty well.
I for one disagree with this premise and I get tired of this mantra that all guys are simplistic, non-introspective, buffoons. First Dr. Laura (who comes across as a smug, full of herself "conservative" feminist) with her "The Proper Care and Feeding of Men" or whatever the heck it's called and now this. The fact is some guys do have trouble expressing their feelings (an age old truth); I know I fit into that category.
There was a girl that I was head over heels for but I was unable to express my feelings to her. I was so afraid of being rejected which is kind of funny, because I don't consider myself that unattractive or undesirable on the food chain but a lot of it had to do with my childhood (Inner child VICTIM ping).
Everyone is an individual with his/her own set of experiences that shape us to some degree and affect our relationships. We all can't be neatly pigeon-holed in these broad "gender" categories.
FWIW, I'm glad that I was unable to let this girl know how I feel, because she turned out to be somewhat of a floozy and I eventually fell in love with my best friend at the time who became my wife.
I was only kidding. I've been there, too.
Well, this is a step in the right direction after those pictures of naked fat middle-aged men you posted last night (and I thought AdminModerator was going to ban your account for that.) Since you posted the picture of SJP, I will say that about two years ago I saw her about three tables away at Le Bernardin in Midtown. I never could stand her to being with, but she really is A)emaciated and B)very unattractive, to put it gently.
Why don't women understand this?
This is no different than fat women trying to figure out how to lose weight. They spend thousands on books, videos, diet fads, . . .
but, they can't understand four simple words: Eat less--exercise more.
Why do women make a mountainout of a molehill? Why do they have a hard time seeing the most basic things?
There's a classic exercise program that can prevent this problem in over 90% of cases. The woman brings her knees together until they touch ... then keeps them that way.
People want what they can't have, and if they can't have it readily, that makes it seem more valuable. But I believe men tend to be this way more than women are; it's hard-wired into their brains.
In the last century women shot themselves in the foot with feminism. First, we made ourselves less desirable with our choice of fashions and our unfeminine behavior, and then we began handing sex out casually to anyone who asked, or even men who didn't ask. How can a man treasure, respect, honor, and long for a slut who has been passed around and has more mileage on her than a '67 Chevy? It's my belief that men (good men, anyway) really do want to find some goddess and fall in love with her and give her fidelity. But it's pretty hard for a man to think of her as a goddess to be cherished when she's throwing herself at him.
Read the book, enjoyed it much. It's the modernized "The Rules" - modernized only in approach and language choice. The male writer is EXCELLENT, and right-on target. A fast read; and I highly recommend it to females who are inclined towards unrealistic attachments.
*clop* *clop* *clop* . . .
So do women.
BTT
Obviously she's a Kerry supporter.
hah thats what I thought this was going to be about :p
Actually, those are legitimate desires.
I got this close to being a normal middle class traditional guy. Ah, but when the fates intervene, they do it with humor and irony.
When was this? Where was I? Is it still happening or did I miss another trend again?
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