"HI, I'M WALTER CRANKCASE AND I WAS THERE"
-- The Old Fuddy-Duddy Has A Plan!
By Denis Schulz
Hi, I'm Walter Crankcase and I was there. When Krakatoa erupted in 1883 spewing hot ash and molten lava and a cloud of debris so fuliginous it obscured half of Mount Helena, I was there; when the United Nations drew its first breath at Dan Burton Oaks in San Francisco in 1944, I was there; when Michael Jackson walked backwards on the moon, I was there; when Harry met Sally, I was there; when Harry divorced Sally, I was there...um...
Where was I? Oh, yes, I've been many places, seen many things, met many famous persons including every President since Alf Landon, and I know words like fuliginous and bathyscaphe.
And I know Hillary Clinton. Yes, I do, the next President of the United States. That counts for something. So why don't people listen to me? I've got lots to say. Is it my destiny to fade away like that old soldier who never died? What was his name? It wasn't General Halftrack. It was Douglas Dugout something. McClellan? McArthur? McIvor--something like that.
Where was I? Was I wandering again? Oh, yes--I have a plan that will save the world from people like George W. Bush and Don Quixote; a plan that will bring peace and prosperity to our time; a plan to cure AIDS and Old Timer's Disease; a plan for a World Federation, an international court......
