Posted on 10/22/2004 2:02:47 PM PDT by ManMountain
Hunt gives voters... Well... AN image of Kerry.
Really Unbiased Media Program (Filed by pool reporter... special to RUMP News)
BOARDMAN, Ohio Oct 21, 2:01 PM (ET)
Democratic presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry went goose hunting today in an effort to connect with the common voter.
Kerry adviser Mike McCurry said it's important in the final days of the campaign that voters "get a better sense of John Kerry, the guy. We only have 12 days to get the message across that even though the Senator may LOOK like an effete elitist Massachusetts Liberal snob, he can be just as down to earth as all of the ignorant hillbilly toothless bible-thumpers whose votes we so desperately need to fix George Bush's broken America. Look! Look!, Do you see him with the gun? Aren't the hunting clothes cool!"
Kerry stopped to engage the press pool as he and his hunting companions returned from their manly endeavors. Asked why they were returning so early, one of the guides reported that Kerry had fallen down three times while in the hunting blind, which entitled him to an early return from the hunting trip. Something Kerry was quick to correct. "I never fall down!,' he stated, pointing at the retriever who had accompanied them. "that SOB TRIPPED me!"
Asked if he had shot a goose, Kerry responded, "Yes, while I am a lifelong hunter and avid gun enthusiast, you know I would never kill an innocent animal. Luckily we were attacked, savagely, by four geese. They were obviously enraged by the destruction of our environment by the Bush administration... Probably by his refusal to sign the Kyoto Agreement... At any rate we were forced to fire at them in self defense. Luckily this action coincides with my having procured a hunting permit, so I think the legalities of the situation are well in hand. But this proves we are no safer from these vicious geese than we were since George Bush took office four years ago. I will steadfastly hunt down the and kill the geese wherever they hide. We will have the help of real allies and the United Nations to bring these fowl individuals to justice, that I promise you!" (One of the local hunting guides was later quoted as saying that Kerry had actually chased down and shot in the back a goose wounded by another hunter. This local man has since disappeared before further comment on this could be extracted.)
Kerry took the opportunity to address the American people on his "Down to earth" character.
"It gives me great pleasure to return to nature for two WHOLE hours," he said. "Getting out with my trusty 12-gauge double-barrel, crawling around on my stomach ... That's hunting! See me holding the gun? Don't I look macho? I commanded a little boat just like JFK. Did you notice that I have the same initials as him? Pretty cool hey?" Kerry paused, and after a few initial efforts, spat on the ground and flashed a thumbs up to the reporters.
"As you know it has ALWAYS been my clear, and unwavering position that all Americans have the right to keep and bear arms... provided they are soldiers or policemen or the guns don't look too scary to Ted and my friends back in..."
Kerry was hustled off at this point by his handlers, and campaign spokesman Joe Lochhrt burst out of the nearby corn field to clarify Senator Kerry's position.
"What the Senator means of course is that he fully supports the rights of anyone to own any kind of gun they want. People forget that he has ALWAYS advocated the use of machine guns and light artillery for hunters. Umm.. that's what they use right? Anyway, you can clearly see how manly and rugged he looks. Did we mention that he won three purple hearts in Viet Nam and that Bush is a pansy cheerleading boy?"
The Kerry entourage proceeded towards the double decker luxury bus that is conveying Kerry is around the state on his "Common Guy" tour, where the geese shot by the hunting party were thrown in a cooler, and the men dined on a traditional hearty Midwest post-hunting lunch of cous-cous and standing rack of lamb a la Flambé.
"There is NOTHING like a tall frosty Château Lafeet '27 after a hard day of, uhhh.. killing things. Ahh.. Thangs, I meant to say." Kerry said.
Next week he will hit Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Ohio and Iowa to begin his "Look at me I really believe in God" and "George Bush wants you to die." get out the vote initiatives. The last few days of the campaign will be spent barnstorming through the battleground states spreading the last minute "For the love of God please take me seriously and ignore my Senate record" Rock The Vote program.
"Look at me I really believe in God" and "George Bush wants you to die." get out the vote initiatives.
ROFLMAO! Very well done!
Now, THAT sounds like the reeeaaaallll Kerry--Goose Murderer!!!
What's good for the gander...is good for the...uhhh, never mind- that's another flip-flop.
"Can I get me a hunting license here?"
If this is true he was not trying to be funny/tell a joke, he was stating his opinion of average American's!
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