Skip to comments.Moses Must Go: A Vision For the Future (Humor Break)
Posted on 10/18/2004 1:50:39 PM PDT by Keyes2000mt
The following scroll was found in the Sinai desert and claims to be an op-ed written by Dathan, a Hebrew opponent of Moses. What follows is "Dathan's" opinion of the leadership of Moses.
Where does one begin in describing the failures of Moses? He led us out of the land of Egypt in an ill-prepared and ill-thought out exodus. We've already been faced with shortages in the necessities of life as we journey towards the "land flowing with milk and honey."
From the beginning, Moses' plan for the liberation of our people was ill-planned. He lacked a comprehensive exit strategy for leaving Egypt with enough food and water to sustain us through our journeys. At least in the land of Egypt, we had leaks and onions, rather than this unmitigated disaster in the desert.
First, he came to the Pharaoh in the name of the God of Abraham demanding that he let us go to hold a feast to God in the wilderness. The problem with Moses is that he can't open his mouth without bringing up God. He could have worked through diplomatic channels and asked the Pharaoh in a secular way to allow us to go into the wilderness for a "team building exercise," but his failure to grasp that Egypt is not a Hebrew nation led to the Pharaoh sanctioning us with the requirement that we make bricks without straw.
Moses could have chosen to seek help from the International community, by going to the King of Edom or his Midianite in-laws, but instead Moses began to send plagues on the Egyptians. Now, many have claimed that I've taken an inconsistent position on the plagues, but I have not. I've had one clear position. These were the wrong plagues in the wrong places at the wrong time, and the result was only to harden Pharaoh's heart.
When the Pharaoh finally relented and let us go, we found Moses wasn't prepared to deal with several million people going through the wilderness. We ran out of food and Moses announced that bread would rain down from Heaven. I'm very concerned about the long-term effects of "manna" on people. There have been no scientific studies proving its safety and shouldn't we be suspicious of anything that goes bad overnight?
We then ran out of water and Moses hit a rock and water came out, but let me ask you a question? How many rocks with millions of gallons of water in them are there in the wilderness? How long until the poor planning of Moses leads to a disaster?
This isn't to say Moses hasn't had his moments. I admired his leadership at the Red Sea and had I known that in a matter of several hours, we'd cross over to the other side and the Egyptians wouldn't drown, I wouldn't have suggested stoning him at the time. Regardless of what we may think of Moses personally, it's time to move on. While Moses fasts on the mountain to figure out his next move, I have a better plan to bring us to peace and prosperity and make us respected in the world.
First, we need to realize that Moses led us with his promise of a "a land flowing with milk and honey." I got some honey and it doesn't flow, it can't possibly flow. In fact, more often than not, it gets stuck in its jar. So, we are to believe that honey is magically flowing through this so-called "land."
We must seek allies among the nations around us. Moses' disastrous policies have damaged our standing in the international community as we Hebrews are now known for bringing plagues. To be a successful people, we must be like the nations around us.
As a show of our international commitment and good-will, let us make god of Gold, a golden calf. We need to get back to the bargaining table with the Egyptians. Slavery isn't great, but it's better than wandering aimlessly in the desert in search of magic rivers of honey. I have a plan to negotiate with Pharaoh and get better working conditions for us. I'm a realist and I know how to get things done.
The Hebrews need new leadership that understands we can't go it alone in search of dreams of freedom, we must work with the International Community to secure our prosperity and reputation. I'm Dathan and I approve this message.
You can eat a leek, but nobody in his right mind would eat -- or drink -- a leak.
KERRY: He won the "war" but failed to win the "peace".
I've often used the Moses story to make a point about Bush vs Kerry.
I think Bush will win, no matter what the demon-rats throw at us, Egypt thought Moses had been "licked" as well.
KERRY: If Bush wins and cuts social security, our elders may be forced to drink their leak.
There's black humor and then there's day-old Pepto-Bismal.
KERRY: Bush will draft your children and make them leak.
Did Moses do an Environmental Impact Study before parting The Red Sea? And what about the introduction of Manna to the the Egyptian Eco-system where it has no natural preditors? Will Manna destroy the Sinai the way Zebra Mussels are destroying the Great Lakes?
This is hilarious. I just sent this to my email list and I'm taking it to Bible Study tonight, too!
This is straight KerrySpeak btw.
I'm not sure....it's a SEEEEEECRET plan!!!!!
Good story. lol. ... Moses supposes his toes are roses
moses humor ping
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