Posted on 10/16/2004 5:48:19 AM PDT by jamfull
Teresa Heinz Kerry Touts Secret Health Cures
Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Presidential hopeful John Kerry, revealed several alternative health remedies today while speaking in Reno. According to Teresa, better health awaits those who follow her alternative advice.
In all her remedies, Teresa advocates a strong liberal use of the sauce (not the secret 57 kind) and white raisins.
Teresa’s healthful anti-aging tips include:
Arthritis: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day.”
Bunions: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, drink three martinis daily: one at breakfast, one at lunch, and one at dinner. After each martini, spin around and do the hokey pokey for enjoyment.”
Cold: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, drink several shots of 100 proof Wild Turkey during coughing spells or when needed – no hokey pokey required.
Poor Eyesight: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, get some medical “Maui Wowee” marijuana and smoke three fat joints a day. Also, make sure you’re loaded with some good munchies. Imported Belgian Chocolate and extra cheesy nachos are my favorites.”
Wrinkles: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, find the best damn plastic surgeon who has stockpiled large amounts of Botox. Also, make sure you have some spare hooch in the cupboard for when you get the bill."
Poor Hearing: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, sip several tall glasses of Elijah Craig Bourbon Whiskey throughout the day, smoke a few fat joints of medical marijuana -- then you won’t give a crap what other idiots have to say."
When asked what happens if someone has more than one ailment, Teresa replied, "If they follow the remedy for each ailment, they’ll be so stoned throughout the day they’ll feel no pain, believe me."
Teresa, however, gave a final word of caution to those who wish to follow her plan: "please, no driving or use of any sharp objects allowed."
Teresa also plans a book tour to promote her health advice after the elections. But she wants fans to know all book signings will be in the late afternoons only. She says she doesn't like getting up before 2:00 pm.
www.fiberalmedia.com
See the recipe in reply #33 for another good laugh. (spit on monitor)
This will be Kerry's Universal Healthcare plan. White raisins soaked in cheap gin for everybody. Party on, Garth!
The only thing that raisins and gin might cure is a HANGOVER, which is something I'm sure Theresa knows something about.
A sweat hog married to a horse's ass.
She makes me gag.
TerAZa probably looked it up on the internet so as to have something to say that she thought would connect with her audience, hic hiccup, aah!
No, she listens to KDKA in the middle of the night. There is some guy who has had a talk show for eternity on there and it has nobody under 70 who listens, or at least calls in. That's where she got the recipe. Somebody called years and years ago and gave the recipe and of course, even the non-drinkers tried it since it was medicinal. Wonder if she puts a bar of soap between her sheets. That was another more recent remedy some caller suggested for some other plague that old people suffer (can't remember what it was for.)
Don't laugh at Terry Kerry's remedies. Just remember that back in old colonial Portuguese Mozambique, Terry's father, who was a doctor, and their family owned many black Africans including some who were knowledgable in ways of natural remedies.
Well, when Kerry gets elected, we can look to the government nationalizing the raisin business; then there will be a raisin shortage leading to rationing of white raisins. Only those who are in the high-risk class will get raisins.
When raisins are outlawed, only outlaws will have raisins.
That recipe is a stitch and is about as close as I ever want to get to making OR eating fruitcake!!
"What's wrong with BLACK gin soaked raisins?"
Maybe she thinks they are rabbit dropings.
My patients varied the number of raisins, depending on their symptoms. Seriously, all the little old ladies in my town were in to this 10 years ago. Probably not too bad: the oldest analgesic and a little fruit of the vine.
Cute satire.
I wonder how much gin 9 raisins will soak up after 2 weeks?
Might have to do some experimenting...
Take some gin and soak white raisins and only white raisins in the gin for nine days. Eat the white raisins and then give yourself a high colonic irrigation with the gin. You will get higher than a kite and there will be no gin smell on your breath.
....and those rabbit droppings will make good fertilizer.....they can be used to grow worms, which I'm sure Teresa can use for some other ailment. What a grand health care system we'll have!!
That may well be true. Having arthritis myself I know how it can really limit ones mobility. However that does not account for the glassy look in her eyes. She really looks like she is on drugs.
That's just what I like, a Bombay martini, 3 olives straight up. And....that's all it takes, just one. Any more and I get unpleasantly silly.
ROFLMAO!
Here's an oldie but a goodie........
FRUITCAKE RECIPE
1 cup water,
1 cup sugar,
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit,
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the dried fruit gets stuck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for consisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who likes fruitcake anyway?
Damn unsporting of you to post this as an attack on the only useful info to come out of the Kerry Kampaign.
Damn unsporting of you to post this as an attack on the only useful info to come out of the Kerry Kampaign.
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