The PAJAMAHADEEN COOKBOOK: Chapter One - Making a MOAB in your own backyard!

I have received many requests for directions on how to build a MOAB (aka: "Mother Of All Banners"), so I decided to write this article.

As the name suggests, a MOAB is big, bold and packs a mighty powerful punch. Best of all, they are easy and affordable to make.

When I made my first MOAB, I really didn't know what I was doing. I had an idea of what I wanted to make, but not much time to problem solve some important construction issues, namely - how in the world will these 22' long by 5' high banners be mounted on a support structure?

The first MOABs were attached to 12' tall bamboo poles (supplied by BillF), but they were very heavy (requiring 4 manly men to hold them at all times), and they were a real bear to transport. So I needed a better idea.

When members of the DC Chapter decided to make a road trip to Fayetteville, NC, to stand with NC Freepers on March 20, 2004 against terrorist-supporting leftists outside of Fort Bragg, I got some excellent construction advice from Fred Mertz and a good friend of his. They told me to leave the bamboo at home and they would construct support poles out of 3/4" PVC pipe.

When we arrived in Fayetteville we were told that the Fayetteville Police Department was not going to allow us to use any signs larger than 2' x 2' (IIRC). I later found out that the PD had been reading our threads here at FR and they were very concerned that our "MOAB" was something more than a banner.

So, after all the latenight work by Fred Mertz and his buddies, we weren't able to use the PVC poles they made for us. Not in North Carolina anyway.

On June 5, 2004 the DC Chapter had a date with Brian Becker's A.N.S.W.E.R. commies when they held a protest march to Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld's private residence.

For that Freep, we mounted the MOABs, back-to-back, on the PVC poles. But the night before I made a run to Home Depot and picked up three lengths of PVC, two elbow couplings and a couple of "T" couplings, to make a top crosspiece - to better support the MOAB and make it more readable to the unwashed leftists.

That modification worked pretty well, but still it required 4 manly men to hold the poles; and in smaller Freeps, we can't often afford to have all our manpower stuck in one place holding up a MOAB. The guys are generally very accomodating, but I didn't want to take unfair advantage of their good nature. So I decided to design a smaller version of the MOAB.

When the Vietnam Veteran for the Truth announced their rally at the Capitol, to be held on September 12, 2004, I made my first MOAB Jr.

It worked well, after BufordP cut a few flaps in it because of the stiff breeze we had that day. Hint: Don't give BufordP a knife and ask him to "make a few cuts" in something. (I think Buford's cousin is "Home Improvement" star Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.)

And our latest MOAB was used with great success this past Saturday, October 2, 2004, when the leftists again came to town; this time they showed their total lack of soul and conscience by doing a terrorist-supporting blood march from Arlington National Cemetery to the Ellipse.

Read on below, and you can learn how you, too, can make a MOAB in your own backyard...

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

*** twin size, flat, white sheets - you'll need three sheets for a full-size MOAB or two sheets for a MOAB Jr.
can be bought cheaply at a local thrift store, or at a local linen service - they toss their sheets when they are no longer "crisp and new"

*** several cans of the cheapest spray paint you can buy, your choice of color
I bought mine at Home Depot for $1.25/can. KMart or Walmart probably have similar or better prices

*** ten-foot lengths of 3/4" schedule 40 PVC, cut into 5-foot pieces - you'll need four ten-foot lengths for a MOAB or three for a MOAB Jr.

*** ten-foot lengths of 3/4" schedule 40 PVC - which you will cut to fit the sheets' lengths once you have them sewn together and know where your uprights will be attached (along the seam lines works for me).

*** 3/4" schedule 40 PVC couplings, NOT threaded - four for a MOAB or 3 for a MOAB Jr.

*** TWO 3/4" schedule 40 PVC elbows, non-threaded, for the ends/top cross-members

*** 3/4" schedule 40 PVC "T" couplings, to connect the middle uprights to the top cross-members - you'll need TWO for a MOAB or ONE for a MOAB Jr.

*** package of "Tie-Wraps" (zip-type multi-purpose ties) - don't worry, a hardware store will know what you're talking about when you ask for these.

*** roll of Homeland Defense Duct Tape (strapping tape will also work), to reinforce the edges of the sheets where you poke a small hole to run the Tie Wraps through to attach to the PVC poles.

*** hacksaw for cutting PVC to fit during final construction phase

OPTIONAL SUPPLIES:

*** cheap vinyl or latex glove (hairdresser hair-dye or medical exam type gloves), which you can get almost anywhere - Safeway, KMart, Home Depot, etc. - to wear while spray painting.

*** bandaid (for your spray-painting "trigger finger" - otherwise your finger will either get a blister or just be numbed for a week from holding the spray cans long enough to make your banner)

Instructions for assembly and construction:
Best to make at least a day before you need it

1. Sew the sheets together lengthwise.

2. a) Put the bandaid on your trigger finger and then put on the glove
b) Lay the sewn-together sheets out on the ground and spray paint your message (which you have already written out on a sheet of paper, counting number of letters and spaces, number of lines needed, and figured out how to fit your message on the "canvas" before you)

Note: Spray painting a message on a sheet is different than the usual spray painting jobs. Keep the can fairly close to the sheet, you will still have a mist of color beyond your letters, but don't worry - it is not visible from a distance. Also, you will keep your finger pressed down on the spray nozzle for the full length (or curve) of the letter, otherwise you will end up with blobs of paint in the middle of a letter. You want a smooth line (or curve). You'll catch the idea quickly.

Allow the MOAB to dry before bringing it inside.

3. Next step is to drill holes (straight through the diameter, from one side to the other) into the top half of your upright pieces - you will use these to run your Tie-Wraps through. I drilled six holes into the ones I used for my most recent MOAB Jr. You may want more or fewer; it's a personal preference thing, I guess.

4. Attach the straight PVC couplings to the ends of the uprights that you just drilled the holes in. Tap them on a hard surface, to be sure they are on fully and snugly.

5. Attach the 90-degree elbows to the two top/end uprights. These you will just have to push on as firmly as you can.

6. Attach the "T" shaped coupling to the top/middle upright(s) - remember you need one for a MOAB Jr. or two for a full-size MOAB. Be sure they are pushed on firmly.

7. Starting at the top of the banner ends, use your Duct Tape to reinforce the ends of the banner where you will poke a small hole to run the Tie-Wraps through.

8. Attach the banner ends to the top upright end pieces (the ones with the 90-degree elbows attached) with Tie-Wraps, running the Tie-Wraps through the Duct Tape reinforced holes you cut in the in the sheets (with a knife, ice pick or similar implement of destruction) and the holes that you drilled in the uprights.

9. Attach the middle upright(s) to the middle of the banners, at the seamline in the sheets - as you did in step #7.

10. Lay everything out on the ground again and cut your top cross-pieces of PVC to fit.

Note: Because sheets may not be exactly the same size and this isn't rocket science, your top cross-pieces may not be exactly the same length, so you may want to mark them for easier assembly on-site.

11. Admire your handiwork.

12. Disassemble the top cross-pieces from the top uprights, roll the banner up and include the bottom upright pieces in the last part of the roll-up. DO NOT DETACH the top uprights from the sheet! And don't forget to store your top cross-pieces with the rolled banner and uprights.

You are now ready to rock-and-roll!

(Unless I forgot some important step in the process.)

If you have any difficulty during your MOAB projects, Freepmail me. I will try to help clarify anything you may be having trouble with. I have a day job, and no internet access during the day, so you may have to wait a while for an answer, but I'll do my best to get back to you promptly.

Good Luck! I hope this post is helpful to you members of the right-wing PAJAMAHADEEN.

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