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Why I want to date John Kerry
Chips (Student Newspaper of Luther College) ^ | 9/23/2004 | Emily Holley

Posted on 09/23/2004 7:57:31 AM PDT by Area Freeper

John Kerry, you are my dream man. You have experience both at home and abroad, and I want a man with actual experience. Some people say you’re just a smooth talker, but I know you mean what you say.

With all of your years of public service, I am certain that you would show the same commitment to me as you have to our country.

John Kerry, if you and I were ever to have children, I know that your policies would fully fund their education. From after school programs to their college tuition, your plans would ensure that a good education is more important than the cost of one.

As parents, we would not have to worry about our children gaining possession of assault weapons because you would have banned them. You would teach our children that even though it is a constitutional right to own a gun, with that right comes tremendous responsibility. Your support of laws that hold gun owners accountable will keep our children safe.

Our children will get sick from time to time, but with your health care plan they will be well taken care of when they fall off their bikes or catch a cold from the kid sitting next to them who keeps sneezing on them.

When our children reach the age where our medical insurance no longer covers them, they will not have to worry because your plan for health care will still take care of them.

You would not only care for our children’s minds and health, but you would encourage an appreciation for nature as well. Your love for the natural world, which you have always fought to protect, would serve as a model for them.

Your support and funding for scientific research to find alternative sources of fuel and other ways to improve the environment would ensure that our children would be able to enjoy nature for years to come.

Thanks to your ban on oil drilling in the national parks and forests, we would be able to vacation with our children in Yellowstone National Park. We could take them camping and fishing. We could also hike and look for wildlife.

Then, John Kerry, when the vacation was all over, we would drive off into the sunset in our hydrogen-powered car.

Sounds like a wonderful fantasy, doesn’t it? I suppose that the idea of you and I is a little unrealistic. I can deal with that because if I cannot have you all to myself, the least I can do is vote for you and share you with the rest of the country.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: barforama; collegesophmore; emetic; flushingtuitionmoney; futurekneepadder; ifyourerichimsingle; kerry; lunacy; luthercollege; ninaburleigh; ninaburley; stalker
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1 posted on 09/23/2004 7:57:32 AM PDT by Area Freeper
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To: Area Freeper

That's a brilliant satire of the typical knob-headed Kerry supporter.

It was satire, right?


2 posted on 09/23/2004 7:58:45 AM PDT by Numbers Guy
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To: Area Freeper

Oh, you've GOTTA be kidding...


3 posted on 09/23/2004 7:58:52 AM PDT by TheBigB (I'm 100% correct. I have documents that say so.)
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To: Area Freeper

This is the dumbest thing I've ever read. Wow.


4 posted on 09/23/2004 7:59:27 AM PDT by Shryke (Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl.)
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To: Area Freeper

What?


5 posted on 09/23/2004 7:59:27 AM PDT by beyond the sea (Free Martha Mitchell......... and Jail Teraaaaaayza - let them run around naked, at least the kids)
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To: Area Freeper

That makes me want to vomit.

Are people really that dumb?


6 posted on 09/23/2004 8:00:28 AM PDT by KansasGirl
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To: Area Freeper

Every Geek Every Girl Has Ever Dreamed Of Marrying. That's it in a nutshell.


7 posted on 09/23/2004 8:00:30 AM PDT by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives On In My Heart Forever)
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To: Area Freeper
Dear Emily,

What's your net worth? Also, are you in the habit of telling people to "shove it"?

Interested,

John

8 posted on 09/23/2004 8:00:33 AM PDT by conservonator (Blank by popular demand)
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To: Area Freeper
Sounds like a wonderful fantasy, doesn’t it?
Except for the part where you have to sleep with the guy.

Yikes.

And are you sure you are rich enough to afford a John Kerry? Teresa Heinz only barely manages and she's a ga-zillionaire.
9 posted on 09/23/2004 8:00:43 AM PDT by Asclepius (protectionists would outsource our dignity and prosperity in return for illusory job security)
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To: Area Freeper

Anything in there about defending the nation...?


10 posted on 09/23/2004 8:00:48 AM PDT by THX 1138
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To: Area Freeper

I can only imagine what this chick looks like. ......and it's not a pleasant thought this early in the morn'.


11 posted on 09/23/2004 8:00:52 AM PDT by Mr. Mojo
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To: Area Freeper
What, no Barf Alert? Or is this a joke?!

g

12 posted on 09/23/2004 8:01:24 AM PDT by Geezerette (... but young at heart!-)
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To: Area Freeper

Look what happened the last time Kerry dated!


13 posted on 09/23/2004 8:01:32 AM PDT by The Hammer (Don't put the hammer down!)
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To: Area Freeper

He drives SUVs, not hydrogen-powered cars.

But it's a spoof, right ?


14 posted on 09/23/2004 8:01:35 AM PDT by somerville
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To: Area Freeper
Is this from Scrapple face or the onion?
15 posted on 09/23/2004 8:01:39 AM PDT by HuntsvilleTxVeteran (Rather calls Saddam "Mister President" and calls President Bush "bush")
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To: Area Freeper

... we would be able to vacation with our children in Yellowstone National Park. We could take them camping and fishing."




That is the only thing the writer got right about John Kerry. What is it about those dems and taking off on vacation every day.


16 posted on 09/23/2004 8:02:39 AM PDT by ArmyBratproud (all)
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To: Area Freeper
Thanks to your ban on oil drilling in the national parks and forests, we would be able to vacation with our children in Yellowstone National Park.

Ummm, drilling for oil was gonna occur in the northeast corner of Alaska. Not sure the last time anyone took their children for a vacation there.

17 posted on 09/23/2004 8:02:55 AM PDT by Always Right
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To: Area Freeper
"Thanks to your ban on oil drilling in the national parks and forests, we would be able to vacation with our children in Yellowstone National Park."

I've been to Yellowstone a couple of times and have never seen any oil drilling.

18 posted on 09/23/2004 8:03:42 AM PDT by Mr. Mojo
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To: Area Freeper

Emily, babe, all you have to do to win the heart of John F'n Kerry is become a really, really, really rich widow. Get back to me once you've done that, as I might then be available if he isn't.


19 posted on 09/23/2004 8:03:43 AM PDT by Larry Lucido
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To: Area Freeper

I'm guessing the source for this, CHIPS, is the Center for Highly Intensive Psychiatric Services?


20 posted on 09/23/2004 8:04:01 AM PDT by Horatio Gates
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