Posted on 09/12/2004 3:09:07 PM PDT by Mark
At least you can't swim in L.A. air
By Kimit Muston
I was shocked -- shocked -- to learn that Los Angeles now officially has the worst traffic congestion in the United States. Thank goodness somebody finally did a scientific study to uncover this little-known facet of life in Southern California. You can read the details yourself online at obvious-as-hell.com.
According to the Texas Transportation Institute, which for some reason felt compelled to do this study of traffic congestion in lots of cities outside of Texas, our little pueblo is now the worst traffic mess in world history. Previously, the worst congestion on record occurred in ancient Rome right after a double-header in the Coliseum (Christians v. Lions.). The lion supporters always showed up in force, but after the second game -- Lions shut the Christians out, 42 to zip -- there was such a chariot jam on the Apian Way that one poor guy, Flabeus Lateus, didn't get home until the Middle Ages.
But now, according to the Texas Transportation Institute, Southern California is the new congestion capital of all time. Which leaves us with something we can brag about at the oxygen bar, I guess. The average commuter in Los Angeles, Ventura and San Diego counties wastes 93 hours a year stuck in traffic, according to these Texans, and that's supposed to be a world record. It certainly makes life in L.A. sound terrible.
But I did a little study of my own. And after hours of intricate and detailed calculations, I discovered there are approximately 365 days in most years. Subtract weekends (104 days) and holidays (eight days), and it turns out we commute to work only 253 days a year. No wonder our economy is in such trouble! Anyway, divide 93 hours by 253 days, and it turns out we only waste about 15 minutes a day in gridlock. Now that doesn't sound so bad, does it? Just 7 minutes each way.
And what do these Texans mean by "waste," anyway?
Look, at least we're not commuting to and from Houston. That entire trip is a waste. This is L.A., Baby. Parked bumper to bumper on the Sepulveda grade with our air conditioners blowing full blast, our satellite radios blaring and all 16 cylinders of our leased Ferraris revving to the red limit and gobbling a gallon of gas every eight seconds, we are not wasting anything. Not when you look this good. Listen up: A Volkswagen bug slip-streaming behind a mass transit bus down East 19th street in Austin, Texas, is a bigger waste of gasoline than Maria Shriver stop-and-going Arnold's Humvee to Ralphs to pick up hair spray.
Why are we trusting a study from Texans? They've never liked us. Basically, Texas is populated by people who got lost looking for California. And thank goodness they did, too. Have you any idea what California would look like if all those rodeo rejects had figured out which way was west? Orange County, that's what.
Worse -- Orange County with high humidity. Humid? The word fails to even begin to describe the climatological status of Texas. "Moist" would be a better word. "Oozy" would be more accurate. On an average summer afternoon with not a cloud in the sky, Texas has more water floating around in the air than in the Rio Grande. It would rain a lot more often in Texas if the raindrops could just get through all that humidity.
All that airborne moisture supports insect populations of unimaginable size and weight. One night in San Antonio I got jumped by four mosquitoes. I escaped with my life, but they got my wallet. And they drove off in my car. When the cops finally returned it, not only was the gas tank empty, but there were eight empty six packs of Raid in the back seat. We're talking mean mosquitoes. We don't have mosquitoes like that in California. We have condors, but they're smaller.
According to the Texas study, people in Dallas and Fort Worth "waste" only 61 hours a year in traffic jams, or about one-third less time than they claim we Californians waste in traffic. But there is productive "wasted" time and then there is wasted wasted time. Those 10 minutes Texans waste each day are 10 minutes that could be spent getting on a plane and getting out of Texas. And that is a true waste of time.
Kimit Muston lives in the San Fernando Valley and is a regular contributor to the Daily News. Write to him by e-mail at KAMuston@hotmail.com .
and another thing...for all the talk about "small government" and "less taxes", Texas is a huge recipient of federal funds...gross excess in what they get from the feds compared to what they pay in...Lonestar freeloaders!
"the worst American president texas ever spawned"
You DUmmies really are easy to spot.
New Yorkers voted for Hillary Clinton. Texans rule the world.
How are we Texan's supposed to a take grown man seriously with a name like Kimit?
I've commented on this in immigration threads, and I still have no real idea why California has such a huge racial divide along latino lines, and Texas does not. It's a mystery.
Show me. Last I saw, Texas was one of the few states that put more into the fed than it got back. Wyoming of all places was the state that got proportionally the most back compared to what it put in.
"Texas was one of the few states that put more into the fed than it got back."
Let me get this straight. Texas is supporting via federal taxes liberal bone-heads, such as yourself, and you want to get rid of it?
You may now have another meltdown.
To: Melas,
Sorry, I thought that was to Captain Photon.
Folks in Texas tend to accept people for who they are, and race is rarely brought into it unless the person shows a blatant character flaw.
If you meet a stupid Mexican, the first thing that comes to mind is the stupidity, not the fact he/she is Mexican.
Same for a 'lazy Gringo'. It's the action or inaction of the person, and just because you meet one piece of lazy white trash DOESN'T me all white people are lazy or trashy.
Having spent several years in California, I got the impression that appearance was a number one priority there.
Didn't matter how you acted or what kind of person you really were, you just had to 'look' right.
Guess it's just a long-winded way to say-
Californians look from the outside in,
while Texans look from the inside out!
How's you get back in here, Rat?
Oh just for fun, Civil war trivia.
The "Texas" general who held out was Edmund kirby Smith, a Floridian. The Premier Texas General of the war was John Bell Hood, who's most notable achievement was to totally destroy his army in the invasion of Tennesee, mostly to prove to himself it could still fight. And the Texans got a huge US army base named after this loser...Ft Hood!
Yes, Texas was never subdued like the rest of the south, but that's because the war was fought and won in the midwest and the east. If Texas hadn't surrendered, MSRS Grant and Sherman would have paid a real visit.
MamaTexan gives a very insightful response, and GOPcapitalist brings out great historical background behind the relationship between Hispanics and European settlers of Texas. When settlers made their way to Texas in the 1800's and whites were the alien immigrants, the native Tejanos people in the region helped defend the settlers against the fierce Commanche Indians. Without this cooperation, the settlers and Tejanos would have suffered the same gruesome fate at the hands of the Commanches. I think this formed a basis for a bond of trust bridging racial lines that remains today.
I don't speak spanish.
Arshloch: 'little a$$hole'
A confession? I would have thought that being as you are, you may also be homosexual. In which case, I sould not expect yours to be that little.
Captain Photon:
Re: Comment #51 Removed by Moderator
Given the off chance that you have not yet been baned from FR, you DO know that LBJ was a Democrat, don't you?
...if you canIf the guy was only bitten by four mosquitos then it must have been a slow night during off season. He should consider himself lucky.
Don't Mess With Texas. We like it just fine and if you don't then ... Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
I didn't say you spoke spanish, I said you should be learning Spanish.
You seem to have gender issues expressed as gun issues. Low wages? low self esteem?
We'll work on that in our next session.
No I'm, quite well employed, happy with life and myself.
"We'll work on that in our next session."
Now you are openly offering to sell sexual favors right here on FR? Astounding!
Allow me to point out that before we can have a "next" session, me must have a "first" one. Allow me also to inform you that I decline. However, I'm sure your clients up there are not lacking in number, so don't take it personal.
I do applaud your bravery in standing up for your beliefs, no matter how deranged or filthy.
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