Posted on 08/27/2004 6:05:35 PM PDT by nuconvert
Thirst-quenching Sponsorships are Aplenty in Athens
DAVE BARRY
ATHENS -- As you've watched these Olympic games unfold, a nagging question you have no doubt asked yourself many times, as an American, is: Does the U.S. water polo team have an Official Bottled Drinking Water?
Don't be an idiot. This is the Olympics! Of course our water polo team has an Official Bottled Drinking Water. According to a press release, the team chose ''Penta'' brand bottled water, because, quote, ``They gave us money.''
No, sorry, that's the real reason, which is never actually stated. The press-release reason is that Penta -- unlike whatever pathetic loser water you are drinking -- ''is an ultra-purified drinking water that undergoes a rigorous 13-step purification process, which includes a patented physics process that gives the water unique properties.'' The release states that this was the brainchild of ``Penta inventor and CEO William D. Holloway.''
That's right: This man invented water. Picture the scene. It's late at night. William D. Holloway is sitting in his laboratory, thinking. Suddenly, he has an idea: ``What if I combined one atom of oxygen with . . . two atoms of hydrogen? It seems crazy, but it just might work!''
How do the athletes feel about Penta brand water? The press release quotes U.S. water polo player Brenda Villa as saying, in the frank and totally believable style of speech that people use in press releases: ``With our crazy schedule, quality drinking water is essential in our daily life, so it is natural and very beneficial to have a water sponsor like Penta.''
As an American, I am going to drink 75 gallons right now.
Speaking of which: The Official Soft Drink of the Whole Entire Olympics is Coca-Cola (or, as it is referred to in the metric system, ''Pepsi''). The Official Credit Card That Is The Only Card You Can Use At The Olympics Which Annoys The Hell Out Of Everybody is Visa. The Official Beer is Heineken, although Budweiser is the ``Official Malt Beverage Partner'' of the U.S. team. (This is something I find myself saying a lot at the Olympics, as in: ``I'll have a malt beverage, partner.'')
Some other official sponsors of the 2004 U.S. Olympic team, which I am not making up, are: Sealy, the ''Official Mattress Manufacturer,'' and Bombardier, the ``Official Snowgrooming Equipment Supplier.''
It is not clear why the 2004 U.S. Olympic team, which is competing in Athens, which has the same average daytime high temperature as a pizza oven, needs snow-grooming equipment. The only thing I can think of is that snow grooming has been declared an official Olympic sport. Why not? It makes as much sense as ''rhythmic gymnastics,'' where the competitors run around waving a ribbon on a stick. And before I get a lot of irate mail from the rhythmic gymnastics people, telling me how much skill and discipline is involved in this ''sport,'' let me say: I'm sure it's very, very hard. BUT THEY'RE WAVING A RIBBON ON A STICK, OK?
Listen: If they keep adding obscure sports to the Olympics, it's only a matter of time before somebody gets a gold medal for making balloon animals. I think they should combine some of these sports. Like, they could combine fencing and trampoline into one sport, called ''fampoline.'' I'd pay good money to see that.
I'll have a malt beverage, partner.
So. Are the Olympics over yet?
Nope. I think Sunday.
hell, they combined basketball with trampolines, why not fencing?
Hey, maybe they can do all three!
Someone should start a "Real Games" event held every four years that only includes traditional track and field and swimming, where every athlete is tested for drugs, and everyone is an amateur. Also, no person, team, event, or entire games ever gets sponsored. A guy can dream.
Yeah, you'll have a high school team out there.
The Olympics have virtually always had pro's in them.
Don't tell me the full time Cuban or Chinese athlete is an amatuer...
I'm still waiting for camping to be an Olympic sport.
The Olympics have virtually always had pro's in them.
Ok, I'll rename it to Not The Olympics.
Don't tell me the full time Cuban or Chinese athlete is an amatuer...
State-sponsored athletes wouldn't be invited.
I know what you're saying - if you want the very best, you gotta hire the pro's. Well, I'd be willing to trade-off performance for purity.
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