Posted on 07/28/2004 4:40:28 PM PDT by Mr. Silverback
Do men still want to get married? Or has a culture of casual sex and cohabitation made men lose all interest in marriage? A new report from Rutgers University provides some fascinating insights into a subject that’s often misunderstood.
Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe in “The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why”—part of Rutgers’s annual “State of Our Unions” report—write that we know less than we think we do about young men and their attitudes toward marriage. They note that young married men are hardly ever portrayed in popular culture, as if there are none. “Yet . . . in 2002, there were 9.5 million married men between the ages of 25 and 34. And contrary to the popular stereotype, the typical thirty-something guy is a married guy.”
Moreover, many men in the 25-to-34 age group have positive feelings about marriage. Ninety-four percent of young married men that the authors surveyed “say that they are happier being married than being single.” And although many of the young single men in the survey planned to delay marriage for a while, only one in five does not intend to marry.
It’s encouraging to know that so many younger men still hold marriage in high regard. As Whitehead and Popenoe point out, marriage changes men in ways that dating and cohabitation don’t. Being married improves men’s health, finances, job success, and other aspects of their lives. And in turn, the authors say, “marriage includes a norm of male altruism.” It teaches men to put their family’s needs ahead of their own and encourages them to work to better their society.
Unfortunately, there’s also some bad news here. Our culture still isn’t doing a very good job of preparing men for marriage. Men are freely offered alternatives, like cohabitation, that damage their attitudes toward women as well as their understanding of marriage. This may be why the evidence suggests that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce.
So it’s worth asking what factors encourage men to get married and help them build successful marriages. What Whitehead and Popenoe found isn’t surprising: Men with strong religious faith and men raised in intact two-parent families “are significantly more likely to marry and to have positive views of marriage and family life.” Interestingly, men from traditional families also had a better view of women than did young men from single-parent households.
These findings are backed up by a recent book titled Soft Patriarchs, New Men: How Christianity Shapes Fathers and Husbands. Author W. Bradford Wilcox analyzed an enormous amount of data about three groups: conservative Protestants, mainline Protestants, and those with no religious affiliation. He came to a conclusion that doesn’t surprise us: that is, conservative Protestant men come closest to the ideal of what a husband and father should be. Contrary to popular stereotypes, these men are more affectionate and more “engaged emotionally” with their wives and children. Their faith directly inspires their view of their role in the family.
So there’s no need to despair just yet about the state of marriage. There are still quite a few men out there who are “the marrying kind”—men inspired by their Christian worldview.
I know some immigrant couple who had a very hard time with their daughters, especially the mother --- the daughters wanted to listen to rock music --- and they said back home, kids just listened to what their parents listened to -- the parent's missed the whole 70's music thing in the USA -- which would have been their decade of growing up -- so they took it as some kind of rebellion --- then the daughters did things with their hair --- slightly punk --- American parents wouldn't think anything of that --- but it was difficult for this family who thought the kids were just trying to hurt them.
Glad to be single.
LOL.
I was thinking of people I've met from the third world who experienced such problems.
But I also remember a Frenchman who HAD a lovely (and obedient) wife until they became Americans.
Poor fellow.
My mother is also on my back nonstop about getting married. I keep telling her that once I find a nice young conservative that's not smoking pot and playing Nintendo all day, I just might consider it.
I've got a feeling I'm going to be in for a very long wait.
Don't worry about me. I have an aura of tentacles around me. I've seen that and also the worst wackos CA can provide. Basic Training all over again- if you will. The purpose of basic training is survival. I run. And run very fast if I have a reason. Why fight if you can disappear in plain sight? Less energy. Good post.
True, if Chinese she could work in the fields, drop a baby in birth and keep going in the fields. There are lots of great choices out there.
"I got married at 22 and it's the best decision I ever made other than becoming a Christian."
I'm glad to see someone finally say something positive about marriage. My hubby was 24 and I was 20 when we got married....we've been together now for fourteen years and it's the best decision I ever made. He's my best friend, he can read my mind, and he still makes my heart flip flop (pardon the expression). I used to think that maybe he lost out on alot of sewing his oats that I see so many young men do, but he assures me that he missed nothing at all.
I think I'll go and give him a kiss now.
AMEN! THANKS.
Yeah, California is particularly bad, and I know a number of quite marriageable guys who are extremely wary of getting married because of the practical risks to their well-being. I would swear that half the guys I know in this state have been taken to the cleaners at some point in time. The side-effect of this is that a woman in her mid-30s or later has very poor odds of ever getting married (again) because while there will be plenty of decent guys available, they are very dubious about the whole marriage thing given the number of guys who share their previous experience with it.
Given the combination of a significant percentage of the male population getting burned on the marriage deal and the fact that they can obtain most of the benefits of marriage without actually getting married, it is basically a double win for them not to. The behaviors of a population adapt to the prevailing pressures being applied to said population.
There is nothing to lose. Allow yourself to be under less stress and to have fun. Walk around like you own yourself and if you don't do well on some date or don't like the guy, no worries, just go find another. Start over, there is no price to pay here.
My sister learned to do country western dancing to meet guys having been a younger person in New York who once won all those clubs dance contests. You meet good people that way get in country western dance clubs.
Only watch out for Persians, they hang out there as well, and their culture is too different for American women. Women are cr@p in the Persian culture from what I've heard American women tell me.
I was talking to this guy once. He was nice but I wasn't moving to Ramallah (Palestinian christian) and he's since moved back home. Anyway, I actually like country music LOL
Be careful. If you can't stand the church, you might not be very successful with the church-goer, speaking from experience -- though fortunately, in retrospect, my experience in such matters ended in both cases long before marriage entered the scene. (I too dislike the "fire, brimstone, yelling and contemporary Christian 'music'"; quiet contemplation and such as Adoro Devote are more my style.)
I met my wife in a church of our mutual denomination (it was not the home parish for either of us) -- and we just celebrated our silver anniversary. We are very happy to have the grounding of a common faith.
OTOH again, our (Anglican) church today is home to quite a number of Catholic-Protestant couples who find common ground with our not-quite-one, not-quite-t'other church. So things can work out despite the differences...
What, you don't want Bill Clinton's signature of approval on your marriage?
Is that you, cyborg?
Get some blue jeans, a nice cowgirl hat, some boots and have fun.
Take dance classes!!!!
Today, unfortunately, much of the "milk" is contaminated with diseases.
LOL actually I may just do that. You never know ;-)
BTTT
LOL nope but I wish I was as skinny ;-)
It's an easy way to meet easy going people.
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