Posted on 07/10/2004 2:11:58 PM PDT by annyokie
ADULT CHILDREN SPEAK OUT ABOUT SAME-SEX PARENTS
It was the TV pictures that first got to Bronagh Cassidy. Same-sex couples marrying in San Francisco: "They were so proud of themselves. And then they had these little children with them." Cassidy, a 27-year-old married mother of two, sighs. "Something inside of me wants to be able to help those kids, because I know they are going to have problems." Sound ignorant, maybe even bigoted? This week, as the Senate is expected to begin debate on a constitutional amendment to protect marriage, many voices will try to convince you that people like Cassidy are, as Cheryl Jacques, head of the Human Rights Campaign, a gay rights group, put it in a recent letter, "hate-filled people who will stop at nothing to achieve their discriminatory, offensive goals."
But Cassidy knows better: She is one of the first generation of "gayby boom" babies, raised by two moms. Adult children of same-sex parents are rare. I recently came across Cassidy's story by accident, after she e-mailed a friend of mine who is a family scholar.
Back in 1976, Cassidy's mom had a religious ceremony with a woman named Pat. To make Cassidy, they did artificial insemination at home, mixing the sperm of two gay friends "to make sure nobody would ever know who the father was," says Cassidy. (That was in the days before widespread DNA testing.) The two women stayed together for 16 years, until Pat died. Three years later, Cassidy's mother married a man.
What was it like for Cassidy being raised by two women she called "Mom" and "My Pat"?
"When growing up, I always had the feeling of being something unnatural," Cassidy says. "I came out of an unnatural relationship; it was something like I shouldn't be there. On a daily basis, it was something I was conflicted with. I used to wish, honestly that Pat wasn't there."
Why does she oppose same-sex marriage? "It's not something that a seal of approval should be stamped on: We shouldn't say it is a great and wonderful thing and then you have all these kids who later in life will turn around and realize they've been cheated. The adults choose to have that lifestyle and then have a kid. They are fulfilling their emotional needs -- they want to have a child -- and they are not taking into account how that's going to feel to the child; there's a clear difference between having same-sex parents and a mom and a dad."
Sounds judgmental in print. But up close, Cassidy comes across as fiercely protective of her mom (Cassidy is a pen name she's adopted to protect her mom's privacy). Like many children of same-sex parents, she was expected to defend and protect her mothers from society's homophobia. Her own troubled feelings about her family life were clearly unacceptable to her parents. Even now, the prospect of speaking about her own experience gives her the shakes.
Cassidy's story is not science. It's just her own feelings. Many researchers say most kids do just fine in these alternative family forms. Cassidy doesn't buy that research, though. "I don't think a fair study could be conducted because children currently in that family wouldn't necessarily be open to speaking their true feelings about it."
A few years back, she watched "20/20" interviews with children like her. "They were asked questions like: 'Are you happy? Do you love your parents?' I don't think it's fair to ask them those questions. These are their parents. They aren't going to say they are suffering, because they don't want to make their parents feel bad."
Some people will say if Cassidy's mom and "my Pat" had been legally married, everything would have been fine. Cassidy doesn't think so. "Even if society were open to it, there's just the whole issue of your self-identity. I always had the feeling I was in a lab experiment."
She feels driven to do something, say something to protect other children like her. "Whenever I see it on TV, something inside of me says NO. I don't think it's fair that the kids are being put in this situation. They don't have a choice about it."
Do any other adult children with same-sex parents feel the same way? Will we allow any space in this intense debate between adult combatants for something as simple as one child's feelings?
(Readers may reach Maggie Gallagher at MaggieBox2004@yahoo.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2004 MAGGIE GALLAGHER
Better to be alone with a crust of bread than miserable with a feast.
Heck, I didn't say that you could come out from last time!!!
Yer in double time-out!!!
I got my eye on you!
Everyone has their breaking point ;-)
It should be quite as cyborg is in time-out!
;<)
Got that right!
I found my sisters on this thread, AGAIN!
Shhh. She sneaks out.
Like a kid hiding on the stairs, god love her.
"CS Lewis says there is nothing wrong with divorce"
CS Lewis was wise, but he was not infallible. Further, I'd bet anything you like that he's looking down from Heaven right now and saying, "Boy, did I ever get that one wrong."
I'm sure you're aware that all denominations of Christianity rejected divorce until the 1930s, right?
"Why be chained to misery?"
That's a long, long explanation, and I doubt that I'd be able to pursue it to your satisfaction unless we were marooned on a desert island. Half of the short answer, which I'm sure you won't buy, is "duty." You make your bed; you lie in it. The other half is, "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder."
"If your family were some of the thousands who were too chicken to blow off a faithless husband or wife"
No, my mother was widowed by Kim and Mao. Never remarried.
"Gee, I have that new Pontiac, I can put up with Bob banging his secretary on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Okay, firstly, adultery has always been accepted as one of the very few valid grounds for divorce, so mocking an extreme that never existed doesn't speak to the argument.
Secondly, your answer seems to reflect an attitude that is both widespread and distressing among American women--that attitude being that it is heroic to refuse forgiveness.
I've never cheated on my wife, but if I thought she'd take that attitude, I might do it just to defy her.
Well, no, I guess I wouldn't, but it's a pretty obnoxious attitude.
And most of today's 15 year olds are on the maturity scale of 6 year olds,100 years ago...maybe.Have them marry,without recourse to divorce? TO WHOM?
Thank the hippies for today's "culture".They,with their American lefty,KGB funded overlords,brought down and shredded America's moral roots.Going back,to the way things used to be,will take a mass CULTURAL REVOLUTION.This will happen;it always does,when the pendulum has swung far too much to the other side.
"Duty" is a nonsensical excuse that cowards make for themselves for not leaving thier alchoholic abusive or adulturous spouses.
It just makes coward "feel" better and give him/her something to whine about on the sly to family and friends. Any amn or woman with stones will stand up and say "Be gone" and take the kids and find a better father/mother figure.
If you think hanging in there is making you a plaster saint, then you are sadly deluded.
And if we were marooned on a desert island, you better get over to your own side where you can revere your sainted mother.
"Duty" is a nonsensical excuse that cowards make for themselves for not leaving thier alchoholic abusive or adulturous spouses. It just makes coward "feel" better and give him/her something to whine about on the sly to family and friends. Any amn or woman with stones will stand up and say "Be gone" and take the kids and find a better father/mother figure."
Clearly you have a metastasized cancer of the worldview that it is beyond my powers to heal here. And since I can't heal it, I might as well not irritate it. Outta here.
It will be interesting to see if Qerry and Edwarts show up to vote on this admendment........
Apparently you have a big bone in your head like the moron I went to college with who thought it was okay that his doormat mom mopped up his alky dad's blood after he blew his brains out in front of three of their kids.
Both of our children are married and straight. My Granddaughters like boys. At the present, thank God, that's a bridge we don't have cross. Although, we feel sorry for people that do.
I've read an enormous amount of CS Lewis's writings - doubt he ever said there was nothing wrong with divorce. That is an openly anti-biblical position.
He MAY have said it is sometimes preferable to the alternative. It IS biblical that divorce is an acceptable option under some circumstances.
I encouraged my son to get a divorce. He married young & over our objections to a woman who habitually lied. Right after the marriage, he found out the woman also believed she had the right to beat her husband. He refused to fight back - she would beat him with her fists & he would leave the house as she threw things at him
We found out a few months later (lived in another state). He called at midnight one night. I can still remember her screams of obcenities because he dared to call his family.
We offered to pay for them to go to counseling. She refused - said there was nothing wrong with her behavior. So I encouraged him to get a divorce. I saw no future in a very abusive marriage. The violence seemed likely to escalate - and if he ever responded, HE would be the one in trouble. They had no kids, and it seemed wise to get out before they did - can't imagine what she would do to a child.
After 5 months, they divorced. He still feels bad about it - that HE failed to be a good enough husband.
There is a LOT wrong with divorce - but it was allowed in the Bible because it sometimes is better than the alternative.
"Women who stay with alcoholics who beat them,aren't doing so out of "duty" and should NEVER be looked upon as doing something good."
You also are taking the most extreme example and trying to portray it as applicable to all cases. I don't see that there's any reasoned discussion to be had here. Bye, now.
I thought you were leaving. Go away, already.
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