Adult Children Speak Out About Same-Sex Parents

via the Corner at NRO | Maggie Gallagher

[annyokie]

ADULT CHILDREN SPEAK OUT ABOUT SAME-SEX PARENTS

It was the TV pictures that first got to Bronagh Cassidy. Same-sex couples marrying in San Francisco: "They were so proud of themselves. And then they had these little children with them." Cassidy, a 27-year-old married mother of two, sighs. "Something inside of me wants to be able to help those kids, because I know they are going to have problems." Sound ignorant, maybe even bigoted? This week, as the Senate is expected to begin debate on a constitutional amendment to protect marriage, many voices will try to convince you that people like Cassidy are, as Cheryl Jacques, head of the Human Rights Campaign, a gay rights group, put it in a recent letter, "hate-filled people who will stop at nothing to achieve their discriminatory, offensive goals."

But Cassidy knows better: She is one of the first generation of "gayby boom" babies, raised by two moms. Adult children of same-sex parents are rare. I recently came across Cassidy's story by accident, after she e-mailed a friend of mine who is a family scholar.

Back in 1976, Cassidy's mom had a religious ceremony with a woman named Pat. To make Cassidy, they did artificial insemination at home, mixing the sperm of two gay friends "to make sure nobody would ever know who the father was," says Cassidy. (That was in the days before widespread DNA testing.) The two women stayed together for 16 years, until Pat died. Three years later, Cassidy's mother married a man.

What was it like for Cassidy being raised by two women she called "Mom" and "My Pat"?

"When growing up, I always had the feeling of being something unnatural," Cassidy says. "I came out of an unnatural relationship; it was something like I shouldn't be there. On a daily basis, it was something I was conflicted with. I used to wish, honestly that Pat wasn't there."

Why does she oppose same-sex marriage? "It's not something that a seal of approval should be stamped on: We shouldn't say it is a great and wonderful thing and then you have all these kids who later in life will turn around and realize they've been cheated. The adults choose to have that lifestyle and then have a kid. They are fulfilling their emotional needs -- they want to have a child -- and they are not taking into account how that's going to feel to the child; there's a clear difference between having same-sex parents and a mom and a dad."

Sounds judgmental in print. But up close, Cassidy comes across as fiercely protective of her mom (Cassidy is a pen name she's adopted to protect her mom's privacy). Like many children of same-sex parents, she was expected to defend and protect her mothers from society's homophobia. Her own troubled feelings about her family life were clearly unacceptable to her parents. Even now, the prospect of speaking about her own experience gives her the shakes.

Cassidy's story is not science. It's just her own feelings. Many researchers say most kids do just fine in these alternative family forms. Cassidy doesn't buy that research, though. "I don't think a fair study could be conducted because children currently in that family wouldn't necessarily be open to speaking their true feelings about it."

A few years back, she watched "20/20" interviews with children like her. "They were asked questions like: 'Are you happy? Do you love your parents?' I don't think it's fair to ask them those questions. These are their parents. They aren't going to say they are suffering, because they don't want to make their parents feel bad."

Some people will say if Cassidy's mom and "my Pat" had been legally married, everything would have been fine. Cassidy doesn't think so. "Even if society were open to it, there's just the whole issue of your self-identity. I always had the feeling I was in a lab experiment."

She feels driven to do something, say something to protect other children like her. "Whenever I see it on TV, something inside of me says NO. I don't think it's fair that the kids are being put in this situation. They don't have a choice about it."

Do any other adult children with same-sex parents feel the same way? Will we allow any space in this intense debate between adult combatants for something as simple as one child's feelings?

(Readers may reach Maggie Gallagher at MaggieBox2004@yahoo.com.)

COPYRIGHT 2004 MAGGIE GALLAGHER

[mrustow]

Men are irrelevant now in this age of sperm donation, esp. DYI turkey baster types with no money.

"Men" or fathers? Synthetically produced sperm still apears to be a ways off -- like never! (Men will have to be imprisoned on sperm farms.)

What does "DYI" stand for?

[To Hell With Poverty]

ping

[cyborg]

DYI means do it yourself... I meant fathers but I forgot that not all men who produce sperm behave like a father should. No need to imprison men though. Predatory sperm clinics pay man hundreds of dollars to do what they do for free on lonely saturday nights so no need for sperm farms ever.

[To Hell With Poverty]

Do It Yourself

[Ophiucus]

Do you have any links to sources? This is going to be an issue for members of my family in a few years, I'd like to keep up on things.

Sure thing.

Cameron and Cameron was one of the first studies.
Cameron P, Cameron K. Children of homosexual parents report childhood difficulties. Psychol Rep. 2002 Feb;90(1):71-82.

Timothy Daley wrote a slightly outdated but excellent review on refuting pro-gay arguements and the early evidence of harm in gay parenting at:
http://www.frc.org/get.cfm?i=IS01J3

Stacey and Biblarz have made a bit of a stir in the news challenging the "no effect" bull even though as good liberals they favour homosexual parent "rights": Fox News article

That will do for a start. Bear in mind that of the last 49 studies in favour of homosexual parenting, 48 were published by those in activist groups that support homosexual parenting "rights" (Nidal).

[mrustow]

Ah. Thanks.

[Windsong]

So you're a homosexual too, huh?

[annyokie]

Not me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. ; )

[Doc On The Bay]

NO.

She Wishes she had a REAL "Dad!!"

There is a Genetic Program in Humans that REQUIRES the "Input" of BOTH Male & Female (OR, if You Prefer, Both Female & Male) to produce a Stable "Human Being."

Despite Tens of Thousands of years of "Experimentation," we Have YET to find a "Substitute" for this Recipe.

Some Traits are "Hard-Wired" into our Species; "Mom & Dad" are among them.

Doc

[cyborg]

Yes but we don't always get what we wish for. That is my point. She's already born and grown up.

[NYer]

Great article! Thanks for posting it.

The adults choose to have that lifestyle and then have a kid. They are fulfilling their emotional needs -- they want to have a child -- and they are not taking into account how that's going to feel to the child;

Recently, on one of those morning programs, a young lady, accompanied by her mother, sat anxiously, waiting to meet her 'biological' dad. She was the product of 'donor' insemination, and was able to track down her 'biological' father, through the sperm bank. Anticipation built as the big moment approached.

The program host turned to her and asked if she was ready to meet her 'Dad'. Her smile spread from ear to ear as she eagerly awaited the next camera shot. On the TV monitor, a smiling man, accompanied by his wife and young son, suddenly appeared. After a series of questions by the program host, the girl was now given an opportunity to 'meet' her biological father. Tears flowed freely. She was so excited! The program host then asked the 'Dad' about his 'contribution' to the sperm bank. As the conversation progressed, it turned out that his 'donations' had resulted in more than one thousand births. THIS child just happened to be the first one to step forward and use whatever laws are in place to identify her biological father.

As the camera shot towards the young lady, the grin had gradually sunk into a deflated smile. She now understood perfectly what society knows only too well. There are no substitutes for a mother/father relationship.

Catholic Ping - let me know if you want on/off this list

[livius]

No, I realize this wasn't your statement! I just think that the whole problem lies with "gays" converting any situation into something about sex (whether it is or not). What kid wants to consider that aspect of their family? Yuck.

[annyokie]

I'd certainly have to agree. Since I was born on Christmas Day, I figure I was immaculately conceived. The alternative is too cringe-worthy to entertain!

; )

[netmilsmom]

What a horribly sad story.

Nothing in the world beats my relationship with my dad and my girls with my hubby.

As my Dad used to say, "Any dog can father, it takes a real man to be a Daddy."

I have been blessed with two great ones. One for me and one for my girls. (LU, my hon)

[netmilsmom]

My husband is a lesbian. He really likes women and I'm glad. ;-).

[annyokie]

LOL Mine too!

[Paradox]

Thanks a bunch! I want to be informed when this issue comes up.I had heard of the "pro" side, but I figured there was "the rest of the story". Thanks again!

[Smartass]

If God wanted homosexuals, he would have created them!
The very thought is obnoxious and evil.

                  

[Polycarp IV]

It is on the level of child abuse to allow homosexuals to adopt or have children through artificial means. But that is un-PC "hate speech."

Fortunately, there are still churches willing to be un-PC:

As experience has shown, the absence of sexual complementarity in these unions creates obstacles in the normal development of children who would be placed in the care of such persons. They would be deprived of the experience of either fatherhood or motherhood. Allowing children to be adopted by persons living in such unions would actually mean doing violence to these children, in the sense that their condition of dependency would be used to place them in an environment that is not conducive to their full human development. This is gravely immoral and in open contradiction to the principle, recognized also in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, that the best interests of the child, as the weaker and more vulnerable party, are to be the paramount consideration in every case.

--CONSIDERATIONS REGARDING PROPOSALS TO GIVE LEGAL RECOGNITION TO UNIONS BETWEEN HOMOSEXUAL PERSONS
Rome, from the Offices of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, June 3, 2003, Memorial of Saint Charles Lwanga and his Companions, Martyrs.

[dsc]

Since nobody has, yet, I guess everybody thought it was too obvious to point out that "gay parents" is an oxymoron.

What these poor children have is one parent and that parent's live-in accomplice in habitual sodomy. Sodomy being one of the sins that cries out to Heaven for vengeance.