Posted on 06/27/2004 12:21:34 AM PDT by goldstategop
Sat, June 26, 2004
[Ten Good Reasons To Vote Liberal June 28th]
By Michael Coren -- For the Toronto Sun
THE BIG day approaches. I don't usually tell people how to vote, but on this occasion I feel I have to do so. It's so important. There are simply too many reasons why we all have to vote Liberal and why Paul Martin has to remain prime minister of this great nation.
First, legions of bureaucrats will not lose their jobs. Men and women all over Canada, but particularly in Ottawa, will continue to move paper around -- in both official languages -- and, as a consequence, the country will remain proud and free.
Second, friends of the Liberal party in Quebec will not suddenly feel lonely and depressed, and their extraordinarily important advertising agencies will not lose money or even go bankrupt. Their children will not starve and they will be able to enjoy that basic human right of buying a new car every year.
Third, speaking of basic human rights, a Liberal victory will make sure that the right for anybody to marry anybody, or everybody, will never be threatened or even debated. Consider the alternative. Tens, if not hundreds of millions, of gay and lesbian Canadians living in agony.
The basic human right to abort your child will also be protected, and will be paid for by the tax dollars of hard-working Canadians. As all good citizens know, only a fascist or a lunatic would oppose such a policy.
Fourth, the long gun registry will continue. Without this project we know Canadians would be murdered in their beds by crazed Albertan hunters or taken at gunpoint to watch the burning in effigy of Margaret Atwood. Oh, the horror!
Fifth, the CBC will be able to continue to provide balanced, objective and broad-minded coverage of Canadian affairs. Shows such as Help, I Pay Far Too Little Tax and The Transsexual History of Manitoba will remain on our screens. Without this, we might as well just give the country to George Bush.
Sixth, enlightened MPs will be able to scream thuggish abuse at Americans and then threaten journalists who try to write about it. Members of Parliament need this sort of freedom if democracy is to flourish. They must also be able to confuse Vimy Ridge with Vichy France and Normandy with Norway.
We're simple people
Seventh, a Liberal win will allow our judges and courts to continue telling Canadians what is right and what is wrong. It's not that Canadians are bad or stupid. It's just that they need help in understanding these things. They're a simple people. Rather like those men who gave their lives on the beaches of, to quote our glorious leader, Paul Martin, Norway in World War II.
Eighth, the military can be kept in working order. Easily done. With only one soldier, one Jeep and half a ship we can reduce spending even further and make sure Capt. Canuck is the best-equipped one-man army in the world. He may be unable to fire a gun, but he's fluent in both languages. Priorities matter.
Ninth, Western Canada will receive the kick in the pants it so richly deserves. They're getting a bit noisy out there, and the constant electing of Conservatives shows a nasty lack of patriotism. They should act more like real Canadians, like our brothers and sisters in Quebec. I wonder how many westerners stormed the fjords of Scandinavia to help smash Hitler's empire? (See point Seven).
Tax system protected
Tenth, the great taxation system of this nation will be protected. A survey by the CBC -- see above -- has proved beyond doubt that most Canadians love paying income tax and would willingly pay more if it helped struggling Canadian Marxist poets, paid for canoe museums in rural Quebec or helped Adrienne Clarkson buy nicer clothes.
If the Liberals fail to win, all this could be challenged or even obliterated. It is a proposition too ugly to even contemplate. Forgive me, I'm becoming emotional just considering it. My tears cascade onto the page and moisten my prose with my pain. Golly, time for a government arts grant for that one, I think.
Ten good reasons. But most of all, if we don't vote Liberal, Paul Martin will have to take the shipping company away from his kids and learn to recognize the flags of Liberia and Panama all over again. Not fair.
that's a good one, thanks.
OMG, this was so great I couldn't even pick out a favorite passage, they were all equally hysterial.
Bwahahahah! I was just complaining on another thread I was VERY confused by the election. What did it really mean? This is a brilliant synopsis.
Its quite funny. With a few editorial changes, you can pretty much tell as well why American liberals vote for the Democrats. Hey bring on the government grants; I'm getting misty-eyed at the plight of poor Lefties being left to wither on the vine without kindly taxpayers pitching in to save them from their own stupidity.
hell thats good enough to use for the US - change the Martin references to Kerry
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