Posted on 06/23/2004 1:36:23 PM PDT by John Lenin
By DAVID CRARY, AP National Writer
NEW YORK - While most single young men aspire to marriage, about one-fifth are deeply skeptical of the institution and their prospects of making it work, according to a new national survey which closely links men's marital outlook to their upbringing.
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The survey, released Wednesday by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, found that the men with negative attitudes were far more likely than the rest to have been raised by a divorced parent in a non-churchgoing family.
"Most young men are still 'the marrying kind,'" said a report accompanying the survey. "Moreover, the men who are the best 'marriage bets' are those who are more traditional in their family and religious background."
One critic said such assertions were too broad, fostering illusions about traditional families and overlooking the nuanced attitudes of those raised by divorced parents.
Of the 1,010 men aged 25-34 who were surveyed, 569 were married. Of that group, 81 percent said they got married "because it was the right time to settle down." The desire to have children was a major factor for 35 percent; only 15 percent said they married sooner than they wished because of pressure from their partner.
The survey was part of the annual "State of Our Unions" report authored by Marriage Project co-directors David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead.
Their report avoided making specific recommendations, but Popenoe, in a telephone interview, counseled women seeking husbands to "take into consideration the guy's background — don't avoid the traditional guys."
"A huge percentage of the men say they'll marry when it's time to settle down, which a lot of women don't quite understand," Popenoe said. "A word of advice to women — make sure you're getting the guy at just this time."
Survey responses from the married men painted a positive picture of marriage — 94 percent said they were happier married than single, and 73 percent said their sex life was better.
"For men, even more than for women, marriage is a transformative event," Popenoe and Whitehead wrote. "They work harder and do better financially than men who are not married. They are less likely to hang out in bars, to abuse alcohol or drugs."
According to the survey, married men are roughly twice as likely as unmarried men to go religious services regularly. Three-quarters of the married men said it was important for children to be raised in a religion, compared to 59 percent of unmarried men.
Regarding parenting, married and single men had similar views — about two-thirds of each group said having children shouldn't be the main purpose of marrying.
Among the single men, those interested in marriage were more likely to have had a father fully involved in their upbringing than those who were skeptical of marriage. The unmarried men raised by two parents also were more likely to be trusting of women than those raised in single-parent homes.
Stephanie Coontz, a history professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., and author of several books on families, questioned the utility of such findings.
"There's this endless stream of correlations that seem designed to convince people, 'By golly, we'd all do better if everybody got married and stayed married,'" she said. "That's unrealistic in the modern world."
She said researchers should conduct more detailed surveys, for example, comparing the outlooks of men whose parents divorced amicably with men whose parents endured in an unhappy marriage.
Of the unmarried men who were surveyed, 53 percent said they were not interested in getting married anytime soon. Most agreed that "at this stage in my life I want fun and freedom"; 47 percent said they wouldn't marry until they could afford to own a home.
Well, there you go! I don't see why meeting in a bar, or visiting bars, would make a big difference. (I drink too much at home :-).
My husband and I met when we were doing medieval reenacting, which is a much weirder scene than the average bar ... but somehow we've been married for 15 years and seven kids. (Pictures available on the Tax-chick page.) We weren't religious when we got married, either, although we are now.
If that's the first thing on a man's mind, then don't get married at all. Don't have any sex either because 'accidents' happen. Who goes into a marriage thinking about divorce?
Sometims you learn from your parents mistakes also. I know my husband does not want to get divorced because he came from a divorced family. He hated it.
He does everything to try to keep our marriage together, and so far we've been married for 12 years.
Thanks for your thoughts, makes me think....
Well, in the minds of some fuddy-duddies, women don't like to go to bars or stay out late. My feeling has always been, there is no reason why a woman shouldn't enjoy beer, play pool or throw darts, if that's what she enjoys.
but somehow we've been married for 15 years and seven kids
Woah! 7? Are you trying to put together a football team, or will you settle for having enough kids for baseball?
My husband is the same way. He was much more "committed" in the early years of our marriage than I was; my parents have been fighting for over 40 years now, for better or worse :-).
Some guys have been taken to the cleaners in family court sad as that is :( But I'd not go into a marriage thinking about it.
Well, being as divorce statistics are so high I doubt that any man or woman doesn't consider it before they get married. Single womens attitudes make it real easy to find sex if thats all a guy is interested in.
We've got a pre-nup, so if it ever came to that, it might not be as combatitive as it otherwise could be.
Well, the Big Van seats 15, so we could have 6 more kids without having to buy a semi-trailer :-).
But seriously, my husband will decide whether we have more; he's less emotional. Sometimes I think I'd like to have 15, and sometimes I think I'd rather be shot ... sometimes on the same day! One of my friends recently had her 9th child at 50, which I just can't conceive (pun intended).
bump
Love is Grand!
Divorce is 10 Grand!!!
Only 10k ? You got off cheap !
I find the title of the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" downright insulting. It lowers man to the level of an animal, and some men are not quite as shallow, and simple as Dr Laura apparently thinks. I could only love a woman who respects me, and does things for me out of love instead of being manipululative, and controlling which is problably why I am still single. This book sounds like a feminist's guide on how to pretend to be a good wife.
"Only difference - having kids was an essential part of marriage for me."
For a long time I figured what's the point in getting married unless we were going to have children. Things didn't really change much after I got married. I'm wondering if marriage really makes much difference without children. (My wife's expecting soon.)
"One thing I find depressing about these surveys is that the young people seem to have such unrealistic expectations of marriage. You'd think they spent their formative years reading Barbara Cartland novels!"
I went for years looking for the 'perfect woman'. That was until I finally figured she doesn't exist.
"Who goes into a marriage thinking about divorce?"
Very rich people who don't want to lose their shirt if things don't work out.
Every day is something new and every day it gets even better.
All the people who warned me about tantrums, teething, midnight wakeups etc. - it's all worth it. Like paying a nickel for a Maserati.
You would probably throw a parade for Dr Laura if you read her book. Basically it says to have food in the house your husband likes, make sure he has enough sex, and don't nag him...praise him when he helps out instead.
I think I'm highly sensitive to being manipulated. Funny, I don't *mind* being manipulated if I'm in love but I guess the trust level still has problems.
When it comes to women, my heart is a bad decision-maker. So I don't trust women and I don't trust myself. Therefore, I stay single which is easy because women don't trust me.
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