Posted on 06/13/2004 10:24:43 PM PDT by goldstategop
Vox Day
Is marriage worth it?
A reader, who happens to be a single man of marriageable age, wrote in to ask me a simple question: "Does anyone out there feel that marriage is worth it?"
After some reflection, I decided to answer him thusly: A marriage to the right person is worth it. A marriage to the wrong person is not. How does one decide who the right person is? Aye, there's the rub ...
This is not to say that one cannot determine who the right person is, only that it requires a certain amount of analytical detachment about the relationship that is difficult for most people. Some of the more important factors for a man to consider, in my opinion, are as follows:
1. Is she a woman of genuine faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament – be she Christian, Jew or Muslim – will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment she is making than will a secular or casually religious woman. As for irreligious men, I see no purpose in marrying whatsoever – why put oneself at serious risk for a sacrament in which one does not believe? If you're marrying her simply because she demands it, don't be surprised when you're forced to accede to other, even less palatable demands, like a divorce.
2. Does she accept the notion of personal responsibility? A woman who is constantly blaming others for her problems in life will soon begin to see her husband as the source of all her problems. These women always blame whoever they are around the most instead of themselves – if she's constantly complaining about her coworkers or her family, don't even continue to date her. If you do, soon enough you'll discover that she has a new target at which to aim her barbs.
3. Are you comfortable with her? Passion is no substitute for genuine compatibility. Hot sex is delightful, but there is the other 99 percent of the time to consider, too. If you and your potential wife are not capable of several hours in the same room together without talking or otherwise interacting directly, you may not be comfortable enough with one another.
4. Can she entertain herself? Men need their downtime. This becomes problematic if she sees your free time as a violation of her time with you.
5. Does she genuinely put the interests of others first? I love a beautiful, self-centered drama queen as much or more than the next guy, but I would never want to marry one. They're fun to watch ... from a distance. Keep your distance.
6. Do your friends and family think she's good for you? Those around you are not likely to be blinded by the rose-tinted lenses of infatuation and will often have a better read on her true personality than you do. If you find yourself defending her by saying things like "Oh, but you just don't know her," then you are flirting with long-term trouble.
7. Does she attempt to control you? This tendency will only get worse with marriage, so any sign of this in a dating relationship is a red flag. Women have a strong maternal instinct and have a hard time grasping that most men loathe being mothered – can she back off when you tell her to?
8. Does she treat you with respect, in public and in private? If she does, this is an excellent sign. If she's always putting you down, just "giving you a hard time" and "keeping you in your place," better find someone else. Marriage is not a buddy-cop movie.
9. Are you in agreement on the larger issues? If she wants kids and you don't, forget it. If she wants to keep up with the Joneses and you want to save for the future, there is a seed of much future conflict already embedded in the relationship.
10. Finally, do you know her? Really, truly know her? Do you know what she hopes her future will hold, even if she can't articulate it?
Marriage and family are definitely good things. But they are important and life-altering, and are not to be entered into lightly. If you are so fortunate as to find the right woman, don't let shallow concerns get in the way, pursue her and see it through. If neither you nor those close to you harbor any serious doubts about her, then marriage is likely the right decision.
Engagment ring.
Wedding ring.
Suffering.
:)
I took a look, and the site isn't entirely advocating "no marriage".
Having lived overseas, there are a lot of expats who share exactly his opinions and point of view.
That's a guy with some unique philisophies, some of which I agree with and most of which I think are asinine.
"Try not marry a woman who is more than 3 inches shorter then you."
Yeah, that's a surefire cure to avoiding divorce! I'm sure my parents - with a 6" height diffference - would find that interesting after 28 years of marriage...
"Treat women as unique but not as your equal."
Women and men are obviously different, and were meant to be different - but let's not return to the time when women were nothing but property. My life has no less value or meaning than a man, which is what is implied by saying women are not the equal of men. I find this one disturbing, frankly.
"Leave American women with nothing but dishonest and abusive men to spend their time with."
The author assumes that all American women are feminazis. Even here in the heart of suburbia, that's simply not the case. I'm certainly not, and I thank my lucky stars that my fiance didn't judge all American women based on the idiocy of a foolish, loud minority. Most women want to be married to a good, solid man and raise a family - even we "evil" American women.
A guy who dates a known feminazi does so at his own risk (and if I were a man, I'd stay FAR away!), but that's no reason to lump all women together under the radical feminist banner.
Having a good sense of humor should be on that list.
later
Is marriage worth it?
What a question. Worth what? Folks, this is one man who will state the following without qualm:
Marriage is a religious act. It is NEVER worth 'it'. Talk about pain and suffering!!
OTOH, to become a man, marriage is an inevitability. A boy evades responsibility. A man embraces it, ready, prepared, compatible, or not on all three. In other words, should we as men fail to attempt what marriage is intended for, we WILL fail to acquire wisdom, manhood. Mostly, we have to marry her, whoever she is, to figure this out. Very rarely, we have to marry, consciously, something else.
Thus, this 'list' is basically hogwash. A successful marriage does not come about b/c of checkmarks beside any list. It comes about b/c love, that weird four letter word, is recognized to be something that has little to do with feelings in the long run, and a lot to do with identity. To marry, in the end, is to be able to name something, to give an identity.
Too many 'men' fail to acquire the selflessness required to name and maintain a gerbil, much less a dog. So when, gasp!, a woman walks into the picture, well, the mess of today becomes evident.
That all said, I deeply love my wife and can't imagine the blackness my life would be without her. Lately, I'm just struggling to keep my love for God to be properly greater than my love for her. It is too easy to fall to the knees, and just want to please her....too tempting. Thus Adam discovered to all shared miserableness today....
It would have been selfless to drive off the snake, protect Eve from the nonsense, and love God enough to avoid that fruit from that one tree. But no .... wimp Adam had to be silent, had to let her stumble without his help, had to let her run the guantlet of his own temptation ... and then, do later what so many, many do ... blame her very existence when confronted. In short, we men need to understand, and be willing to NOT model Adam's silence.
Then, marriage can become what He intended.
Thank you!
I'm no femocrat. In fact I am probably their worst nightmare.
I married the wrong guy - he was the opposite of everything on the list for this thread.
I have a strong sense of personal responsibility, but I have to say I am tired of being the honorary male. If I ever do marry again, I would like to be the wife. (Yes, I would gladly sign a prenup)
Oh please, put down the Kool-Aid. Pubbie chicks can be just as psycho as 'Rats, Greenies, Libertarians, or any other woman of any stripe in this nation. The problem is that feminism and hedonism have become so entrenched in our society that every woman under the age of 40 has grown to accept it as part of the natural order of the universe.
A better rule of thumb is never marry a woman who's ever watched Oprah, Dr. Phil, American Idol, E!, "Beaches", or any other such drivel. Since that pretty much rules out every woman my age or younger in this country, I guess I'll have to find my future wife overseas.
Scouts Out! Cavalry Ho!
Good advice.. Thankfully I can say I found the "right" woman...
Are we sure that wasn't authored by Bill Clinton?
This is a great article. All these things can be said for men as well.
Rush and Marta...boy there's a real shocker
100% correct. If sex is the only way a couple 'communicates' and shows love, the marriage is doomed.
You have got a good point! Our popular culture (Oprah, and all women magazines) stresses that women must be catered to, worshiped, showered with gifts and affection, never criticized, obeyed,....and then you may earn the right to get laid as a reward for being a good dedicated fool to the queen. When these prerequisites do not materialize, then disappointments, and sense of failure is overtaken the foolish women and divorce comes.
I know several divorced 40 year old women with attitude, they still look at the 27 years old muscle guys. When the young guy with the 6-pack abdomen spends the night with such woman for pure sexual reason, she immediately dreams that he loves her, and consequently gets rejected and even more bitter. If Oprah and her ilk never existed, the divorce rate would not be as high in the US.
Scouts Out! Cavalry Ho!
Indeed, good luck to them, but also, good luck to single women, who have the same hopes and fears upon marriage as you men have!
My own wedding is in less than five days, to a man I met right here on Free Republic.
*save & file* bump
A father and son were talking one day and the son says to the father "Dad, is it true that in some cultures, the groom doesn't know the wife until after they're married?"
The father replies "That's true in all cultures, son..."
Well, it's an ~okay~ article. To be excellent, the author should change all the "is ~SHE~ _______ enough?" themes to "Are ~WE~ ______ enough?"
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