THE NUTKIN NUPTIALS

05/28/04 | vanity

[genefromjersey]

I happened recently upon a boxed gift set of the beloved Beatrix Potter tales-which I promptly purchased and brought home to my wife." Imagine the fun we'll have-reading this to our Great grandson next year !"

Later, I looked through the books, and saw certain things had changed .......

Mr. Owl woke up to a terrible clatter. Blinking in the sun,he peered out from his pantry window.

"Whooo? Whoooo? Whooo'se making all that noise?",he grumbled.

"Oh,hi, Mr. Owl !",cried Squirrel Nutkin. " It's just me and Chadwick Chipmunk ."

Squirrel Nutkin put his paw around Chadwick ( who was wearing a darling little apron )and gave the Chipmunk a big kiss.

"We're making wedding plans !"

"What's that ? What's that you say ?",sputtered Mr. Owl. He climbed out on his perch,and peered owlishly at the frolicsome pair.

"You...you can't get married !", he exclaimed. "Chadwick is a boy, and so are you !"

Squirrel Nutkin laughed and laughed. Chadwick Chipmunk chuckled too.

"Oh, Mr. Owl !", chuckled Squirrel Nutkin. " You are so...20th Century ! Don't you ever perch on the Cable TV lines once in a while ? "

Mr. Owl just looked befuddled-as owls are apt to look,first thing in the morning.

Just then, Mrs. Owl poked her head out of the nest.( She still had her nightcap on, and she looked quite cross !)

"What's going on out there ?", she demanded. " I've just gotten the children to sleep,and you're making all this racket !"

Mr. Owl ruffled his feathers nervously. " It's Squirrel Nutkin and Chadwick Chipmunk ," he stammered." They're talking about getting married ! Did you ever hear of such a thing ? "

" Oh ? Indeed !", said Mrs. Owl,snapping her beak. She tilted her head and peered at the happy couple. " Chadwick, that apron is a bit "over the top", don't you think ? I mean, for a boy . One can't help but notice you are both of the same sex..."

" Of course we are !",chirped Chadwick Chipmunk. " This is Massachussetts,after all ! Don't tell me you two are ....homophobic !"

Mr. and Mrs. Owl looked at each other uncomfortably. " Maybe we should perch on the Cable once in a while,"muttered Mr. Owl. " But wait a minute ! You two aren't even of the same species !"

Squirrel Nutkin sighed. " Oh dear ! You people are so...unevolved ! I suppose you've never heard of Professor Singer ? "

The Owls looked blank,so Squirrel Nutkin continued. "Professor Pete Singer, who is very highly regarded at Princeton University,has said there is nothing wrong with inter-species sex; that it is perfectly normal ."

" In fact",Squirrel Nutkin added casually," If you folks were interested in a foursome ,we'd be okay with that. Right,Chadwick ? "

Chadwick shrugged. " I was thinking more of The Two Bad Mice ,"he said sulkily, " But, what the hey ? "

Mr. and Mrs. Owl looked at each other again.Some sort of message seemed to pass between them.

" I've always favored inter-species dining ,"remarked Mr. Owl.

"Me too !",said Mrs. Owl, as she reached out with a cruelly-taloned claw...

[bondjamesbond]

Something told me this was not going to work out well for the rodents...