Andy Kaufman Lives?!

It's just not as easy to be a mad hermit as it once was--there aren't any good caves or ice fortresses or deserted islands left, plus, there's the Internet. And it's really hard to maintain your mythic isolation if you're checking your email every 20 minutes. The Internet sucks everybody in, including, apparently, missing person extraordinaire Andy Kaufman.

You remember Andy Kaufman? The mad-cap performance artist whose antics, life and (presumed) death were depicted in the movie Man on the Moon? Well, Andy (best known to most as Latka Gravas from TV's Taxi) once promised to fake his own death and return 20 years later to accept the accolades for having pulled it off.

The 20th anniversary of Kaufman's death was last week, and while the comic hasn't emerged from seclusion yet--he didn't attend a welcome-home party thrown by his friends and family at the House of Blues--he has taken up blogging.

The Andy Kaufman Returns blog (andykaufmanreturns.blogsport.com) appeared on the Internet early last week, and Andy (who, in 1984, tried to convince the world that he was dying of lung cancer at the age of 35) has been softening up the streets for his forthcoming national tour. The transition from wandering mendicant to global celebrity would be rough on anyone though, so he's taking it slow while keeping his public apprised of his baby steps toward a re-emergence as a beautiful, sparkling, slightly older and balder butterfly.

"It's not easy being bigger than Jesus right now. I'm actually getting death threats from a few of the non-believers. Don't worry, I forgive you. If I ever mysteriously stop posting anymore, it's either because one of them got to me, or I'm just too busy on my national Starbucks and Wal-Mart tour. Hopefully I'll get to make my first public television appearance before I would have to go into hiding or permanent touring of the country again," wrote Kaufman in a May 22 entry.

Kaufman is also using the site to publish pictures from his victory lap--his recent visit to Las Vegas' Bunny Ranch is remembered with several snapshots of alter ego Tony Clifton (who also bears an uncanny resemblance to Kaufman's former partner in crime Bob Zmuda, who has so far suspiciously remained mum about the Website) in the arms (and bosoms) of the, uh, ranch hands.

He's set up a FAQ for anyone curious as to his whereabouts during the past 20 years, the truth about his relationship with Ann Coulter (they are the same person, apparently) and what drugs he thinks the kids oughta try. (Crack, is the answer, by the way. Andy Kaufman thinks your kids should try some delicious crack.)

But what about the central questions of "Is he or isn't he?" (Is he or isn't he enjoying the fruits of the greatest comic scam of all time? Is he or isn't he just plum crazy? Is he or isn't he actually dead?) Well, maybe the answers don't matter, because wherever Andy Kaufman is hanging out these days--on the Internet, on the Las Vegas Strip or on a higher plane of existence--he's definitely having fun.

US special forces make startling discovery! Comedian Andy Kaufman is alive and well and living a comfortable life as the dictator of Syria!

I am Andy

We are both Andy!

Denk you berri much

Eebee da! Eebee da! Denk you berry much.

Freep Exclusive...

Friday 5AM Washington-As impossible as it may seem, sources at the Pentagon have indeed confirmed to Freerepublic.com earlier this morning that Syrian Dictator Bashar Assad is none other than the late legendary comedian Andy Kaufman, the mega superstar of such hit TV shows as "Taxi"and "Saturday night live"

Kaufman, whose meteoric rise to mega stardom and world domination was the basis for the movie "Man on the Moon" that starred a ridiculously miscast Jim Carey a few years back instead of the obvious choice of James Earl Jones, was found alive and well yesterday living in opulence as "Bashar Assad" ruler of Syria.

Bashar Assad, a name Kaufman claimed was initially suppose to be pronounced "Bash your ass hard" explained that he indeed faked his own death and hid out for years in shame after losing his Intergender World Wrestling Championship belt in a secret match with Janet Reno. "Janet was a lot younger and more masculine back then" explained Kaufman, "Back then she had a full grown beard and a deeper voice and she pinned me to the floor in a matter of seconds like I was a French man in full battle mode which humiliated me to no end."

In what has got to be one of the greatest hoaxes of all time, Kaufman explained that he couldn`t bear to show his face in the public arena anymore after being so humiliated, so he devised an elaborate scheme whereas he would fake his own death and escape to the tranquility of the middle east. "It sounded a lot better than Manhattan at the time." he expained, "I had this strange premonition that this vile witch from Arkansas was going to become a Senator in New York even though she never lived in New York, never worked in New York, or was even elected to a public office, and had more scandals than vandals with sandals. I think I was just a little too neurotic at the time because obviously no one would ever vote for a person like that, I mean could you imagine if people ever got that low on the IQ scale? Impossible, but I just had this terrible Armageddon like feeling so I went to Syria."

How Kaufmans ruse was discovered is a story in itself that`s stranger than a fictitious Michael Moore movie. While US special forces were conducting searches with their deck of cards in Syria for the "Iraqs most wanted" gang who may have fled over the border, members of the team were shocked when closing in on the quarters of the Syrian dictator Bashar Assad. Coming around a corner they suddenly heard the theme song from the "Mighty Mouse" cartoon . Thinking it odd that such a rare and old American cartoon theme song should be playing in of all places Syria, they closed in with cards ready. What they saw they was shocking to say the least.

"We couldn`t believe what we were seeing when we looked in the window" said squad commander Vic Ferrare. "There was a man standing by a record player playing the old Mighty Mouse song, doing absolutely nothing but just standing there still and staring at us looking like a little kid. But suddenly when the "here I come to save the day" part came up, he suddenly flew into action, swinging his arm up and miming the words like he was a super hero or something!. It was just totally insane! We were thinking to ourselves "Oh another dictator who thinks he`s Superman, what a suprise!" It was then that special agent CIA operative Tony Clifton remembered seeing something similar to this years ago on a Saturday night live show. "And then it just hit me.." he said. "It was Andy Kaufman! I couldn`t believe it, but I was sure of it!" Special forces then immediately told Mr. Kaufman aka Bashar Assad to hit the deck as they checked their decks to see if they had a card on him. It was confirmed. Andy Kaufman had pulled one of the greatest hoaxes of all time, and now it was over.

Later in one scene that was not at all suprising, as expected, Jacques Ch-Iraq of France came barging in making kissing noises at the dictator but then seemed to get visibly annoyed when Kaufman pulled his world renowned "Latka Gravis" act on him.

"What eez theez "eebee-dah"? I don`t understand theeze "eebee-da"! `Ow can I properly kiss zee Dictators arse if I don`t know what ze "eebee da" eez?

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