Clinton Gives 900-Page Memoir to Editors

AP ^ | 5/11/04 | Devlin Barrett

[anniegetyourgun]

WASHINGTON -- President Bill Clinton has finished writing his memoirs and has submitted the completed manuscript to editors. The book's cover was sent to retailers Tuesday as the publisher begins taking orders for the expected best seller.

[SkyPilot]

Mash Here

[My2Cents]

876 pages of pictures.

[JennysCool]

An excerpt:

I stood in the Rose Garden, as I did each evening, pondering the questions of man's inhumanity to man, which occupied my thoughts both night and day.

I thought about my sweet Hillary. How could I have wronged her so?

I looked to the heavens. "Just let me do the work that the American people have sent me here to do!"

Suddenly, I heard a rustling in the bushes. A black-cloaked figure quickly emerged, and hit me in a flying tackle.

I tasted the Rose Garden earth, then flipped the attacker off and regained my feet.

He pulled the mask from his face. "At last!" he cried.

"Osama!"

I lunged at him, but he parried me and struck me in the side with his deadly ninja star.

I pulled the weapon painfully from my body and threw it back, grateful for the martial arts training I had heretofore used only to gain peace of mind for my important work for the American people.

I skillfully whirled the star back at my attacker, my arch-enemy, the man who had troubled my sleep for years. The star struck the dark-cloaked figure in the shoulder. Blood began to pour.

"Bill Clinton!" Osama gasped, staring at the wound. "This is not the end! We shall meet again!"

And he was gone in the night.

"Damn you, Osama!" I cried. "Damn you to hell! Your day will come!"

But when? I wondered, holding my injured side. Dear God when?

Then consciousness left me.

[My2Cents]

Yeah, ya think?!

[Califelephant]

It's titled "Bill Clinton: How I Survived Newt Gingrich, Kenneth Starr and the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy to Become the Most Admired Horn-Dog President of the 20th Century"

[My2Cents]

Given Clinton's tendency to lie, I hope the editors do some serious fact checking before they release it.

Especially that chapter about how Bill singlehandedly saved earth from the evil intergalactic race of mutant sponges.

[blue_nova]

pages 1-899
various definitions of 'is'

[Howlin]

[HannagansBride]

Wait a minute!

How can he write his memoirs?

Isn't this the guy who couldn't recall a thing during the impeachment procedures.

So when did he regain his memory?

[anniegetyourgun]

Imagine the amount of coke this guy had to have to stay up and get this done....

[Howlin]

I imagine he picked that picture for the cover; what could he have been thinking?

[Tacis]

Well, I'm torn! I certainly don't want to BUY it but I need to check if I've won the pool. There is a pool: total number of lies told! Must bettors know that it will be about one a page, so most of the squares 850 to 950 went first.

The really high numbers are also mostly taken. This, after all, Willie's very best shot about salvaging his legacy so he's got to tell some really outrageous lies and make some claims that will be beyond belief, all without telling the truth about his wife.

He also has to avoid the truth about any of the old issues, why he got thrown out of Oxford, how much dope he did while being photographed in Moscow, how much he got for the US military secrets he sold the Chinese, who actually pulled the trigger on Foster, and so on.

He will only be able to claim victories where none have so far been apparant and blame disasters on folks already dead. Thus, we will not hear of Notso's stupidity and Reno's criminality. Identify about 10 world leaders who have died in the past six years; we'll hear a lot about them.

[Maceman]

LOL. If you haven't already written a novel, you should. That was terrific.

You should change your Freeper handle to Jenny is WAY cool.

[Paul Atreides]

Bill Clinton, ever the blowhard (pun intended).

[Carolinamom]

Probably "Look how rich I am."

[TheBigB]

So when did he regain his memory?

When the check cleared, obviously.

[bmwcyle]

Chaper 6 Women I have Raped

[Pagey]

Knopf has already received over 500 requests for personal signing appearances by the former president, and are trying to schedule signings and media appearances to promote the book

Well, heeeeeere it comes. I may have to just refuse to watch any TV for the next 5 months, right? I'll bet Billy Jeff is looking forward to every single one of those appearances too. He gets to wear that "Aw shucks, thank yew" smile for a little while longer. It's going to be one 'dogbarf' of a summer, isn't it. Just what have we done, as Americans, to deserve such a fate as 2 Clintons still clinging to power and regularly getting face time in all facets of the media,hmmm? I really have to know.

[steve-b]

I shall waste no time in reading it.

[anniegetyourgun]

I'm absolutely certain he is looking forward to the female groupies...