Makeup for men? Say it ain't so

The Bradenton Harold ^ | Apr. 02, 2004 | WADE TATANGELO

[JoeSixPack1]

SEVEN RULES FOR THE RETROSEXUAL

1. Do not play with your hair: The retrosexual eliminates any unmanly morning to-do over his ’do by keeping his hair short. How short? If combing it makes a difference, it’s time for a trim. Men who fuss with parts, ponytails, pompadours, bangs or comb-overs, or even so much as look at their hair in the mirror more than once a year to see how the bald spot is progressing reveal an insecurity and a need for attention that cannot be reconciled with the retrosexual code.

2. Deal with it: No matter what the calamity, the retrosexual maintains a cool head. Melting down, crybabying, wringing hands, mewling, whining, uttering dramatic exclamations and, especially, calling your mother for advice are out. In: solving the problem and moving on.

Remember: “Oh, no!” is for Oprah.

3. Use no goops: Unapologetic self-acceptance is the soul of retrosexuality. He is who he is, and he’s fine with that. Thus the retrosexual finds hair gunks, skin potions, colognes, male makeup and other cosmetic products to be unmanly signs of weakness and self-doubt.

Worse, although his heart feels a pang for people who must resort to artificial methods to boost their self-esteem, the inherent deceit of cosmetics makes him suspicious of anyone who would stoop to their use. After all, once a man has lied to you about the color of his hair, there’s no telling what else he’ll try to conceal.

4. Be ready to kick butt: The retrosexual neither condones nor denounces violence. He merely recognizes it for what it is: the inevitable product of evolution in a violent world. Thus he keeps himself in decent shape and is prepared, should it become necessary in moments of extremity, not only to knock a noggin or two but also to wrench the lid off a pickle jar, chop the life out of a backyard bougainvillea, plunge a toilet, cut up a chicken or noogie the holy heck out of his wiseacre son.

5. Goop, however, is fine: Although cosmetics are permissible only for women and the pitiable, the well-known mechanic’s hand cleaner Goop is a staple of the retrosexual’s toolbox, and soaps and shampoos are allowed in the retrosexual bathroom as well. The rationale is clear — a clean-cut, clean-living man likes to stay clean.

6. Embrace tired gender stereotypes with glee: The retrosexual knows implicitly that it is his job to take out the trash; deal with the bug man, the mechanic and the plumber; change the lightbulbs; perform all tasks requiring tools of any kind; kill the snakes; open all potentially disgusting mystery Tupperware lurking in the fridge; and dispose of dead birds, sick possums, dog poop and any other unsightlies in the yard. He also paints the walls to order without complaint, even though he can’t fathom why one color is better than another, and rearranges the furniture whenever asked, without pointing out that chairs sit the same no matter what room they’re in.

Acknowledging the obvious truth that men and women are different is not sexism; it is the key to domestic bliss.

7. Shaving cream: The retrosexual enters murky philosophical waters over the question of shaving cream. Clearly it’s not a soap, but must he condemn it as a cosmetic?

At an impasse, a lesser man might try to cobble together a cop-out, mishmash stratagem, perhaps substituting soap suds for shaving cream and convincing himself he has slipped under the wire. But a retrosexual brooks no phony rationalizations. He would sooner order a boat drink instead of whiskey straight or sip a frappuccino instead of black coffee than endorse such a weaselly compromise.

Thus there is but one answer for the retrosexual: the dry shave. This may sting, but buck up, fellas. The pain is a small price to pay for the right to call ourselves men once more.

Retrosexual n. A man with an undeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance and lifestyle.


And when you write your name in the snow, dot the "i"'s and cross the "T"'s or you're not done!!!!!

[JoeSixPack1]

And marteeen, I seen the latest pics from your DC trip.

GET A BRA.

<|:-)~~

[Faraday]

I liked Conan the Barbarian's (Ahnold) make-up in the scene where they invade and wreck havoc in the Mountain of Doom.

[Enterprise]

Well, I will compromise but with good reason. Shaving with soap suds:

1. Saves money because shaving cream is not needed.
2. Cleans the face at the same time.
3. Helps extend the life of the razor blade, thus saving more money.

But that's as far as I will compromise!

[JoeSixPack1]

Shaving with soap suds..

That'll work!

[Centurion2000]

The only makeup REAL men need.

On a serious note I will use after shave gel ... just because I HATE razor burn.

[Joe 6-pack]

J6P1...My take on your...

"SEVEN RULES FOR THE RETROSEXUAL"

1. Do not play with your hair: That's her job...
2. Deal with it: If it's beyond your abilities to resolve, call for close air...
3. Use no goops: Napalm excepted (see #2, above)...
4. Be ready to kick butt: (see #2-3, above)...
5. Goop, however, is fine: Gasoline and a wirebrush, however, work better.
6. Embrace tired gender stereotypes with glee: Agree wholeheartedly w/ yours.
7. Shaving cream: The dry shave, but only with a straight razor one has sharpened and stropped for one's self, preferably on a leather belt from a creature one has killed and skinned.

[BkBinder]

"...daily dragging a razor sharp blade of stainless steel across our faces could be construed as an extreme form of vanity.

Does this apply to periodically dragging the dog clippers over my beard?

[sargunner]

Dualing Joes

I sincerely appreciate the beauty tips and wholeheartedly endorse the dry shave. But I find the K-Bar to be the superior implement in this operation. Once completed, I prefer to apply a generous coating of finely minced jalapena. I find that it gives me the extra edge that a true 'retro' really needs these days.

[Eddie Dean]

Does this apply to periodically dragging the dog clippers over my beard?

It depends... if you're just trying to cut off tangled matts (and the odd morsel of petrified crumb) then it's merely grooming.

If you start tapering and shaping, I think you've descended into "primping".

But that's just my opinion.

;-)

[Joe 6-pack]

"I prefer to apply a generous coating of finely minced jalapena."

You've outted yourself right there, homo....*-)

[sargunner]

LOL, I must have been in touch with my inner 'metro' when I wrote that. I MEANT to say, "a thick coating of jalopena laced Bondo". Thanks for bringing me back from the edge.

[SedVictaCatoni]

ATLANTA IS NOT "THE SOUTH"

Aw, nuts. You mean there's more stuff we gotta go burn down?

[Eddie Dean]

ATLANTA IS NOT "THE SOUTH"

Aw, nuts. You mean there's more stuff we gotta go burn down?

Bwhahahaha... that's just too dang mean and nasty.
I bet your great-great-great-grandpappy was a carpetbagger!

[thoughtomator]

"We're here... we're not queer... but we're close!

GO METRO!"

[King Prout]

be my guest - we of the south of this great state will not stop you - we will probably lend you logistical support, and teach you how to shoot.

[dagoofyfoot]

"Hai Karate" man?


Wow, you really took me back...


LOL!...I still remember!

[Eddie Dean]

Wow, you really took me back...

LOL!...I still remember!

I bet you have pics of yourself in leisure suits. ;-)

[HoustonCurmudgeon]

Will this in any way help explain that odd lipstick smear my wife found on my collar?

[Dan from Michigan]

It ain't so. No chance I'm wearing that stuff. None. Zip. Zilch. Zero.