Posted on 03/18/2004 6:32:06 PM PST by DeFault User
The old saying about men and women being from different planets isn't always a joke: You may really be married to someone from outer space!
"As many as 5 million aliens are living in the United States after taking on human form," says Dr. James Kune, a physicist and former government UFO expert. "They're evenly split between male and female, and most of them are married though childless.
"My research has determined that the average person has a 50-50 chance of being married to one."
Dr. Kune says he has researched human-alien marriages for the past 10 years and uncovered at least 1,000 cases of aliens passing themselves off as humans -- so convincingly, few spouses have the slightest clue.
"Their motives for coming here remain unclear," he says. "World conquest, the desire to live on a strange planet, overcrowding on their home world -- take your pick. We will know the answer eventually."
Dr. Kune says aliens mate with us for both practical and emotional reasons.
"In the early years of alien visitation, many E.T.s were looking only for cover -- marrying a human man or woman took suspicion off them as outsiders. Eventually they realized that not all humans marry, that they could just as easily pass as 'confirmed bachelors' or 'old maids.' "
But most aliens actually did end up marrying. "For most other species, it's unnatural NOT to pair off with someone. The longer they stayed here, the lonelier and more eager for companionship they became. And so they began developing actual loving relationships with humans.
"One of the most surprising findings in my research is that these alien-human relationships are among Earth's strongest marriages. While the overall divorce rate for U.S. marriages is hovering around 50 percent, almost 90 percent of alien-human marriages last well beyond the so-called 'seven-year itch' that often marks the end of human-to-human marriage.
"I can only theorize that the aliens are working harder to make their relationships succeed, probably to protect their true identities. Or maybe they just like being married -- which," he says with a smile, "really should be our first clue that they're not human."
Getting serious again, Dr. Kune has several signs that point to your spouse being out of this world.
Alien husbands:
Love to fix things around the house -- and actually repair what's broken instead of making it worse. "This is obviously a function of their highly developed mechanical and scientific skills," Dr. Kune says. "They usually have every high-tech power tool they can get their hands on, and keep it all compulsively organized."
Do not use the TV remote to "surf" at lightning speed through channels, but stop at each program to absorb the information before moving on.
Are energized and stimulated by physical contact with their wife. They often initiate long conversations after a lovemaking session, in order to better understand the experience.
Will ask for directions when they're lost -- sometimes. "A significant number are just as stubborn about it as human men," Dr. Kune says. "I suspect that a lot of aliens are on this planet only because they couldn't find their way to their planned destination." Alien wives:
Are fascinated by sporting events, especially those on TV. They become very quiet during a game and do not question their husband about it, preferring to focus on the game and tune in telepathically to the coaches and players.
Approach housework and meal preparation as research into human labor, which they prefer to conduct on their own. "When their husbands offer to help them with these duties, several alien wives reported feeling hurt and insulted," Dr. Kune says.
Work hard at being fit and attractive by getting regular exercise and practicing good nutrition. "I have not found a single instance of an alien wife asking her husband if she looks fat," Dr. Kune says.
Are analytical and logical in arguments with their husband, "although we are beginning to see the early development of the skill of weeping," Dr. Kune says, "as alien women become more assimilated into our civilization."
That's just a cover for his illegal space-alien spy activities. He has to blend in with the other Leftist morons.
The space aliens have very high tech. Unfortunately for them they are also poor drivers crashing on earth. Could be more like 90% of Americans and most of everyone else is space alien.
Yes, but they come from Mexico, not Mars.
So9
ROTFLMAO! I at least know my fiance isn't an alien - we both say "that was great, g'night" and initiate the snore wars.
You have to go to WWN to get the real scoop such as:
We may soon have to stop calling Mars "the Red Planet" and rename it the Red, White and Blue Planet - because the far-flung world is turning the colors of the American flag, astonished scientists say. . .. the change to the new color scheme, believed to have begun in late September, is baffling even to rocket scientists.
"The best our geologists can come up with is that recent storms may have exposed ice and water just under the surface," said the insider. "The melting ice would appear blue, like Earth's oceans, and the evaporating water would form clouds, explaining the white. "But what is mind-boggling is that the red, white and blue aren't in random patches, but distinct bands -suggesting they are the product of intelligent design. "As crazy as it sounds, many of us now believe that the inhabitants of Mars are doing this deliberately as a symbol of their solidarity with the United States."
The French always stab you in the back. The Germans waffled and the Spaniards cut and ran, but at least the Martians are with us.
I at least know my fiance isn't an alien - we both say "that was great, g'night" and initiate the snore wars.
Ah yes. The one man on earth who searches his spam email for a remedy to make it smaller!
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