Grandma, Will You Marry Me?

Jerhad!com ^ | 3/10/04 | Jeremy Robb

[jerhad]

I love my grandmother very much, and I think it’s time to ask for her hand in marriage. Since I live in San Francisco, I think there’s a pretty good chance we can get the license approved. If banning same-sex marriage violates California’s equal protection clause in the constitution, then certainly banning incest marriage also violates that equal protection clause.

I know, most of you out there are saying ''dude, that’s pretty freakin’ gross!'' Whatever. That’s really not your concern. How many people think same-sex marriage is gross? That shouldn’t be the measure of whether or not we allow people to marry. Just let me do what I want to do, since I’m not hurting anyone else. How am I really affecting any of you if I want to marry my grandmother, huh? Don’t discriminate against me and my grandmother just because you wouldn’t do it yourself.

It’s time for me to stand up for my civil rights. The government has no right to disqualify me from marrying my grandmother if that’s what I want to do. I’m guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I’m just pursuing happiness, and it’s not impacting anyone else. Who is this hurting? People might think we’ll have a rough time making it due to the lack of acceptance out there, but I’m determined to make it anyway. That’s my decision to make. Not yours or the government’s.

And don’t tell me I can get most of the same benefits of married people without actually redefining marriage and becoming husband and wife with my grandmother. Marrying my grandmother will give me several benefits that are currently only available to married heterosexual couples, newly married same-sex couples, and same-sex domestic partners (a new law in California gives certain rights to same-sex domestic partners that are not available to opposite-sex domestic partners). Once we’re married, I can mooch off her healthcare benefits, reduce my insurance rates, and transfer her estate to me without any taxes being deducted (since it will now be community property).

Gavin Newsom, the mayor of San Francisco, was so proud to thumb his nose at the law and redefine marriage for same-sex couples. I’m quite sure he’ll be just as proud to bless my marriage to my grandmother and break down the walls on yet another unfair discriminatory practice in this country. Bill Lockyer, California’s attorney general, seems content to let Newsom define marriage law however he pleases, so that’s another barrier out of the way. Since Lockyer doesn’t enforce state law, I’m not quite sure what his job is. But hey, why asks questions? I know Bill won’t stand in my way. The judges in California also seem to think that laws and public referendums don’t matter, so I can’t see how anyone can stop me. Heck, if I convince everyone that redefining marriage in this way might get more votes, I could probably get John Kerry to be my best man right there at City Hall. He stands up for the little guy, you know?

One small problem occurs to me though. I’d really like to have a family some day, and I’m certainly not planning to do that with my grandmother. Hmmmm…. What can I do about that? Wait! I know. I can just marry someone else who wants to have children as well. I know what you’re thinking. Polygamy is illegal, stupid. Not in California! Gavin Newsom is certainly not going to discriminate against polygamists. Equal protection, baby! As long as we’re all consenting adults, we should be allowed to have the same rights and privileges as those elitist monogamist heterosexual married folk.

If you think about it, why do we even have laws that prevent polygamy and incest marriages? I mean polygamy is actively practiced in many countries throughout the world and has a history dating back centuries. No such history exists for same-sex marriages. I know people have concerns about birth defects with incest marriages, but come on. I’m not having any kids with my 87-year-old grandmother. What reason would society have for preventing us from getting married?

Come to think of it, California’s constitution and the ballot measure passed a couple of years ago don’t specifically disallow my marriage with my grandmother anyway. It specifically defines marriage as being between one man and one woman. Well, I’m a man, and my grandmother is a woman. I’m half way home with my plan! Now I just need to get the whole polygamy issue resolved. I guess I can address that when I decide to marry my second wife and start a family.

In the meantime, I think I’ll just encourage current polygamists to storm City Hall in San Francisco and demand marriage licenses to put an end to their discrimination. But if you’re a conservative Catholic woman living in the San Francisco area who might want to marry me and my grandmother, I’d certainly love to hear from you. The three of us could live a wonderful life together. And hey, if you’ve got a hot friend, maybe she’d like to marry us too. Don’t worry about the legal logistics. The term ''marriage'' is meaningless now.

Jeremy is a freelance writer who lives in San Francisco (occupied territory) and has declared a jihad on liberalism. His website is at: www.jerhad.com. Correspondence and marriage proposals can be sent to jeremy@jerhad.com.

[JoJo Gunn]

I was all confused for nothing.

[tessalu]

I think that a guy should be able to set up a household with Grandma, and put her on his heath care plan and give her special rights. What is wrong with that? No one says he needs to have sex with Grandma to qualify. No should have to be perverted to get benefits.

[navygal]

Are you sure that is not Montana, where men are men and sheep are nervous?

[Monty22]

This is a fundamental issue here. Can I marry my (nonexistant in my case) sister? Or my (dead in my case) grandmother, if she were alive? How about my mother?

This marriage between any 2 humans is insane. It's more than just insane. It's maybe the most evil and disgusting social force out there.

[McGavin999]

Hey, this is a great answer to all those wills and things. You just have to find a rich relative to marry and you eliminate any possibility of being cut out of a will.

I have an Irish Wolfhound that just about eats me out of house and home, and vet bill? Whew! If I married him, I could get a deduction for him on my taxes and could include him on my insurance. I'm in!

[jimt]

Excellent !

[Eva]

Heck, if why stop at marrying your grandmother. Some churches are offering communion and other sacraments to pets (according to a WSJ article), why not marriage too. It shouldn't surprise you that it is an Episcopal church that is doing this, but there are others in blue states that are mentioned, including a Jewish Temple which sings a prayer for pets.

[Gator113]

This entire subject flat cracked me up!!!!!!!!!!!! I am on the floor here..... I might have broken a rib on the way down. The fall frightened me and I was laughing so hard that I wet myself. When I tried to get up...I slipped on the puddle and went crashing through an open window and landed on the ground near the hot tub. The neighbor lady had been trying to catch a tan in her bikini when she heard all the ruckus and came rushing over to see if she could help me.

Unfortunately and most embarrassingly, just before all this happened, I had been in the hot tub, so I was not dressed for company..heck, I wasn't dressed at all. The worst part of the entire event was my Bride arriving home early from work.

Well, she sent the 25 year old hard body neighbor lady home and helped me back into the house. Then she wanted an explanation, so I told her that I had lost myself in laughter over the thought of marrying my grandmother.......bang.....I hit the floor again. This is when I think I broke the second rib. My Bride might have left me ( she has all the money in this family) and I can hardly breath now......

You will be hearing from my lawyers!!

Oh, one question....Would it be required that ones Grandmother actually be alive at the time of the marriage???

[battlegearboat]

My cow is dead so I don't need your bull.

I don't need anybody!

[NaughtiusMaximus]

I don't see why we should start discriminating at that point. We wouldn't want LiberalScorpion to accuse us of being (get ready) . . . NECROPHOBIC.

[tessalu]

Take that old aunt right down to city hall, quickly.

[boothead]

Grandma, Will You Marry Me?

Go to it jerhad, then you will be

your own grandpa.

[jolie560]

True story--

When I worked in the Food Stamp program many years ago, I was assigned to do a yearly re-certification of a man and his son, who had been receiving Food Stamps as a household of 2 (two) for 10 years.

The man told me he was now living alone as his son had died last month. I expressed my condolence. He said: "Yep--that old Rusty was a damn good dog. I miss him."

When I wrote up my "Food Stamp Fraud" report, the guys at the Fraud Unit laughed. The man was disqualified from the Food Stamp program for awhile, then he re-applied as a household of ONE, even though he had since gotten a new dog.

[CholeraJoe]

Hey! I live in Montana. Our sheep are not nervous, they're cute.

[GOPJ]

Here's another reason to marry your grandmother-unemployed sister-in-law, or child. Free health benefits and a dependent to claim.

Parents are often forced to drop children off health insurance when the child reaches majority. Sometimes the child is left uninsurable. "Marriage" could end this. Why should a 6 month "partner" count more than a child or a parent or a pet?

San Fran offers the solution. Marry the grandmother, the child, the pet. Free health care and equal rights for long standing loved ones. A sick parent or child should have an equal claim to "partners" group insurance.

A simple "marriage" license keeps grandma on the group plan for life. Those who live alone, can marry a pet. Free vet bills for life. Anyone?

[Villain]

If people who are gay 'because they are born that way... etc' can marry, they why cant people who are related, they are after all 'born that way........'

[NaughtiusMaximus]

Good point. Now have fun kids. But remember, "If you do it for LOVE then its just fine. But if you do it for LUST it's just plain nasty!"

[Gottwnz]

When you think about it, it would be a great form of rebellion. If brother-sister, father-daughter, mother-son,3way,4way,dog,cat,you name it, went to the courthouses that are conducting these gay weddings and demanded equal protection under the law. Just like to see if the rats try to defend them. I bet the A.C.L.U would,but it would wake the nation up to the fact that we do need a constitutional amendment protecting marriage.

[GOPJ]

You said it much better than I did. Thanks. Why give special rights to a person for having sex with the same person for 6 months (the usual level of insurance requirement) over someone known and loved for a lifetime? Dump the child off group insurance, but add a 6 month lover? Odd.

We can save a bundle on evading Medicaid liens on the property if she needs to go into a nursing home. After we're married, the house and property will be exempt since I, as her spouse, reside in the home.

Trying to comply with Medicaid's "Transfer-of-Assets" provision takes 5 years and Attorney and Legal costs.

[P.O.E.]

As long as it's for love and not for the money.