Dick Cheney's Gridiron Remarks

Daily Standard ^ | 3/7/04

[anniegetyourgun]

Dick Cheney's Gridiron Remarks Highlights of the vice president's remarks at last night's 2004 Gridiron dinner. by Special to The Daily Standard 03/07/2004 12:50:00 PM

Editor's note: The following are highlights of Vice President Dick Cheney's remarks at last night's annual Gridiron dinner. Although the speech is off-the-record, they were obtained by The Daily Standard.

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Thank you, President [Al] Hunt, members of the Gridiron . . . at one point during your skits, I had a little scare. I felt a tightness in my chest. I started gasping for air and breathing irregularly. Then I realized it's called laughing. . . .

Lots of familiar faces here tonight. I always feel a genuine bond whenever I see Senator Clinton. She's the only person who's the center of more conspiracy theories than I am.

But enough of this camaraderie. This is the absolute truth: my last full-blown press conference was when I was Secretary of Defense in April of 1991. . . . Although it's only been 13 years . . . I thought you might have come up with some new questions by now. And I have here some cards on which you have done just that. . . .

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Here's an unsigned question. "Mr. Vice President, don't you think it's time to step down and let someone else add new energy and vitality to the ticket?"

No . . . I don't. And Rudy [Guiliani], you need to do a better job disguising your handwriting.

Oh . . . and Rudy has a follow up. "How can you be so sure you'll be on the ticket?"

Because the CIA told me so! . . .

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Dave Broder: "How would you accurately describe your role in this administration? Be honest."

I would say that I am a dark, insidious force pushing Bush toward war and confrontation. . . .

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Helen Thomas wants to know, "How do you justify attacking innocent dictators?"

Helen, let me get back to you on that. I need to talk to Richard Perle.

Terry Hunt of AP wants to know, "Has Senator Kerry had Botox treatments?"

Terry, I have some guidance on that from Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz:

"The Administration takes this development seriously. Botox, of course, is related to the botulism toxin, which can be processed into high-grade biological weapons. We have dispatched Dr. David Kay . . . to search for the bio-warfare agents we believe hidden in Senator Kerry's forehead. If Senator Kerry has used botox as part of a wrinkle enrichment program, he is in violation of U.N. Resolution 752. Upon receiving Dr. Kay's report, the weapons of mass destruction that Senator Kerry so adamantly insists do not exist . . . may well be above his very nose." End of statement.

Susan Page of USA Today asks, "What do you think of Senator John Edwards?"

I think he's cute as a button. . . .

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Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it's getting late . . . and Nino [Scalia] and I have to get up early to go duck hunting . . . so let me say a few words in closing.

I have known some of the journalists in this room for many years. One of Dave Broder's guests tonight is my old friend and former Washington Post reporter, Lou Canon.

The thing about reporters like Lou is that he is always looking for that scoop called truth. The effort, insight, and integrity of our finest journalists, like Lou, are especially critical to our understanding of the dangers that face America. From the hour our country was attacked on September 11th, up to the present, American journalism has produced some of its finest work ever.

Some of you have been to Iraq or Afghanistan, or to a military installation at home or abroad. And as we close this evening, I think I can safely speak for all of us in expressing pride and admiration for our people in uniform.

They have seen hard duty, long deployments, fierce fighting . . . and they have endured the loss of friends and comrades.

Along the way, they have liberated 50 million souls from tyranny . . . protected this country from terrorist violence . . . and kept the nation's enemies in desperate flight. Here in Washington, we continue to have our debates and disagreements about the course of this war. Yet there is no doubting the scale of our military's achievements, or the honor of the men and women who have carried out the missions.

Tonight we can be grateful that America's cause is in good hands.

[anniegetyourgun]

What a hoot!

[gorush]

Great jokes...almost "Steven Wright" funny.

[anniegetyourgun]

You've got ping!

[anniegetyourgun]

Susan Page of USA Today asks, "What do you think of Senator John Edwards?"

I think he's cute as a button. . . .

[Seth1]

Nice words about Lou Cannon. I have read his work on Reagan. And by the way Cheney's funny answers were right on. Shows how silly the left really is.

[OldFriend]

Gasping for air........as in hitlery's response to the news that slick willie had been having lewinsky's in the oval office and it wasn't a right wing conspiracy after all!!!

LOLOLOL

[UnklGene]

funnyfunnyfunny! Thanks, Annie.

[breakem]

thanx

[OESY]

Thanks for the posting. Cheney has a great sense of humor and comic timing.

[July 4th]

Very funny! I wonder if it will be on C-SPAN.

[Feiny]

Do you know if it was filmed?

[Wild Irish Rogue]

"We have dispatched Dr. David Kay . . . to search for the bio-warfare agents we believe hidden in Senator Kerry's forehead. "

Priceless.

[EllaMinnow]

Terry Hunt of AP wants to know, "Has Senator Kerry had Botox treatments?"

Terry, I have some guidance on that from Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz:

"The Administration takes this development seriously. Botox, of course, is related to the botulism toxin, which can be processed into high-grade biological weapons. We have dispatched Dr. David Kay . . . to search for the bio-warfare agents we believe hidden in Senator Kerry's forehead. If Senator Kerry has used botox as part of a wrinkle enrichment program, he is in violation of U.N. Resolution 752. Upon receiving Dr. Kay's report, the weapons of mass destruction that Senator Kerry so adamantly insists do not exist . . . may well be above his very nose."

LoL!!!

[anniegetyourgun]

I'm guessing it was not because otherwise there would be clips all over the media tonight, and I've seen none. Also, check out the "editor's note" at the header of this thread. Perhaps that too is an indication that it isn't taped.

[cyncooper]

That is hilarious!

LOL!!

As is the "cute as a button" remark for Edwards. hehe

[johnb838]

Cheney is such a good man. I just can't understand why the left has demonized him so. Same with American Hero Colonel Oliver North. Though I had a liberal friend tell me SHE remembered Iran-Contra and She didn't consider North to be an American Hero.

[anniegetyourgun]

Well, I'm old enough to remember it, and I consider him to be an American patriot.

[eureka!]

bump

[Feiny]

Too bad, it sounds hilarious. I wonder what Hillarys face looked like when he made the conspiracy joke. Even she MUST have laughed.

[Feiny]

Posted on Sun, Mar. 07, 2004

Gridiron show combines hard news, soft shoes

The Associated Press


WASHINGTON — The serious news — from Saddam Hussein's spider hole to Medicare to gay marriage — served as fodder for song, dance and silly dress-up Saturday night at the Gridiron dinner.

In the most unusual turn of this year's satirical script, syndicated columnist Robert Novak — who sparked a federal investigation by printing the name of an undercover CIA officer — was to take the stage as that CIA officer's disgruntled husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson.

Dressed as Wilson in top hat and cutaway coat, Novak was to sing: “Novak had a secret source … so he outed a girl spy the way princes of darkness do … Now John Ashcroft asks Bob who and how, could be headed to the old hoosegow.”

A federal grand jury is investigating whether someone in the Bush administration leaked the CIA officer's identity, possibly a felony. Novak hadn't commented on the investigation — until the Gridiron, in song.

Founded in 1885, the invitation-only Gridiron Club exists solely for its annual white-tie dinner, attended by Cabinet secretaries, congressional leaders and the like. The show has been visited by every president since Benjamin Harrison, except one: Grover Cleveland.

President Bush spoke at the first three Gridirons of his term, but planned to skip this year's show in favor of a summit at his Texas ranch with Mexican President Vicente Fox.

Gridiron president Al Hunt, a columnist for The Wall Street Journal, spun that into a pun about conservatives' fondness for Fox News Channel: “That pretty much sums up the White House philosophy: Why waste time with newspaper reporters when you can spend quality time with Fox?”

Vice President Dick Cheney agreed to take Bush's place and was scheduled to appear with two New Yorkers considered possible contenders for the 2008 presidential race: Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, a Democrat, and former mayor Rudy Giuliani, a Republican.

The humor relies heavily on outlandish costumes: Ralph Nader as a skunk at the Democrats' garden party; vegetarian presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich as a giant carrot, and Bush adviser Karl Rove as Oz's Scarecrow, singing about his boss, “If he only had MY brain.”

The “Hallelujah Chorus” became “Halliburton, Halliburton, Halli-i-burton.”